Trauma, Pt. III ~ Mastering It

In the last two articles on trauma we talked about how wrenching experiences affect us all, in big ways and small, and how not dealing with them impacts present and future mental health as much as past emotional wellbeing. But we’ve only covered trauma in general terms. To really understand how trauma affects you personally, it’s important to be familiar with the actual process, from event to reaction, response, and long-term effects.

Depending on your level of sensitivity, past traumas, and openness to dealing with the resulting shock and grief, what actually triggers the trauma response varies from person to person. The death of a loved one, near-death experience or severe accident for instance, are likely to be intensely trying for just about anyone. But for many of us, even more insignificant-seeming incidents can compromise us emotionally. And because those cuts and bruises can’t actually be seen, they usually aren’t properly cared for.

The stages of trauma, grieving or bereavement are: Flight, Fight, Freeze, Forget, and Fabrication.

In FLIGHT, we attempt to bypass or escape from the assaulting event.
In FIGHT, we stay and wrestle with the problem or antagonist.
With FREEZE, we remain still, hoping the trouble will pass us by or that we won’t be seen.
With FORGET, we try to disassociate and not remember, or repress it in order to not become attached to the event.
And with FABRICATION, we reframe the event or our part in it by telling a story about it.

If we are “successful” in any of these stages – fleeing from the trauma without major injury, winning the fight, avoiding trouble, gaining a healthy distance from it, or creating a higher story or self, we avoid becoming traumatized, and thus return to a healthier state of functioning. As well, we don’t have to go through all the stages for the best outcome. Often, finding some healthy resolution within one of the stages is enough for us to not get “stuck” in the trauma. Getting stuck means the pattern repeats without a positive resolution, making thriving an ever-elusive entity.

While we call them the five stages of trauma, they can happen when we’re simply overwhelmed. And this is what so many of us miss. If past traumas aren’t worked through constructively, “lesser” situations can trigger the 5-Fs response. And with today’s hectic, overwhelming lifestyles, there seem to be a lot more landmines out there. So if you continue to feel like you have to flee, fight, freeze, forget or fabricate through something in life, then you’re likely stuck in one or more stages of the trauma-response process.

For instance, it’s common for people to become stuck in the last stage, telling a false story about not just the event, but who they are. They may blame themselves for the occurrence happening in the first place and/or shape their identity around it, believing that they are inferior or unworthy. But there’s real freedom in allowing the process and getting through it constructively, thereby integrating the experience into your life as part of your growth.

There’s a common misperception, however, that we have to “let go” of hurtful experiences. But we can’t really rid of them in the sense that we have full control. There’s no magic process, spell or pill that will extract them altogether from the sum of our life experiences. And if they do go away, it’s more likely that they somehow and mysteriously let us go.

Not becoming stuck requires “digesting” the painful experience as an active process of integration. Meaning, it’s a part of you but it doesn’t define you, nor does it control your future responses and reactions. In attempting to learn from it, to gain wisdom and greater compassion for yourself and others, the trauma then doesn’t become an obstruction to your emotions or healthy engagement with life.

Letting the impressionable experience and your reaction to it move through you – while observing, learning, and exercising self-care – is a healthy, constructive way to deal with what threatens your peace of mind. And the more you learn to do this, the easier and faster it becomes, as you hone the craft of dealing with life’s turbulences.

Trauma II: Spring Cleaning

Traumas happen to all of us throughout our lives, from so small that we hardly notice them to so large that they affect our every interaction with the world around us. And there’s a lot in between as well. But how many of us are actually aware of how the trauma response operates and where we are emotionally in the process?

Traumas can be physical, as in injury to the body, but there is also always an accompanying mental component. Most traumas, however, are strictly emotional, which makes them even harder to detect and heal. While none of us is immune to trauma, the question is how – and if – we deal with it. Learning to identify traumatic experiences and understanding how the internal process works is one giant step in the direction of self-healing and empowerment.

When any kind of experience occurs that triggers a traumatic response, the initial - almost instantaneous - reaction may be one of non-judgment. Like witnessing a violent or disturbing scene in slow motion, a part of you knows it’s not going to have a good outcome, but you haven’t yet formed a solid judgment around it or experienced the full flood of resulting emotions.
This means the trauma reaction has not yet kicked in. And for some, it never does kick in (a form of denial). For most people, however, they never get past one of the stages of trauma.

Basically, the trauma response is being impressioned by something that happens and imprisoned by the fight or flight. Our only options are remaining stuck in one or multiple stages… or getting through the process, out of its shackles, and on with our life.
A common reaction to the trauma response is armoring up. But this won’t help us get around the trauma because the trauma will always find a way in. It’s already in, in fact, attached at the core, and this is why it can have such a powerful hold on us if not dealt with.

Getting to the healthy wisdom place amidst trauma involves seeing the big picture, including how it all unfolds inside you – the traumatized part as well as the untraumatized part – and how the balance forms between them. Meaning, what is it inside you that can see both the pain and the logic at the same time? Getting to the place where you can feel the pain or grief while saying it’s ok is a healthy form of acceptance and letting go. The wisdom mind can re-create a place of nonjudgmental awareness and stabilize/embody it anytime.

Trauma is especially common in caregivers, rescuers and the like. But it’s not just the traumatic experiences that cause problems; it’s also our reactions to them. For instance, feeling overwhelmed, trapped, helpless, or like you really screwed up can cause PTSD (which truly is a trauma prison). You may be angry with yourself or someone else, and this is trapping you further, being obsessed with trying to change it or ruminating over it. Some people even let the trauma become their defining identity.

The only way back to a balanced state is getting out of the vicious cycle (which becomes the trauma story you live within). When you can talk about one of life’s battle scars while allowing the feelings to come through and express themselves - without being sucked back into the drama - this is healing. Getting back to positive emotions can break you of the negative cycle because they are constructive and you can use them to better your life rather than break it down.

The good news is that actively working through trauma and adding a spiritual element can lead to a real deep resolution! But… most people aren’t going to go there. Why? Fear and denial. Fear of the intensity of the feelings, fear that the pain will never end, and fear of loss of control. As for denial, it’s a powerful self “protective” mechanism that actually does quite the opposite: It doesn’t allow us to heal, to fully engage in our lives, or reach our potential as human beings.

Hey, we’ve all experienced overwhelming, upsetting or traumatic events. But some of them just might be prohibiting us from accessing all the wisdoms, joys and triumphs in life. The best way to rid of monsters (real or symbolic) is to face them and shed a light on the fears they bring up. The best way to free up sacred healing space is to clean out a closet once in a while, and maybe donate the old bones to science. The stories we live with then can at least be honest, and maybe even helpful for others.
Trauma can be accessed and worked through via talk therapy, writing therapy, hypnotherapy, shamanic healing, or meditation and mindfulness, all of which are offered at Middle Way Health. Want to know more? Watch for part 3 where we’ll get into just what the five stages of trauma are.

Trauma: Bringing it to Light

TRAUMA
Traumas are common, possibly as common as sneezes. The problem is that we can’t see them, nor do we have a magic phrase that heals them. Perhaps it is their mysterious nature that makes us so uncomfortable with them. Obviously, their ability to cut so deep, imbed, infiltrate and immobilize adds to our cultural attempts to keep trauma underground.

There are little traumas and there are really big traumas. The big ones can seem so overwhelming that we try everything to deny them. The little ones most often go unnoticed, but can add up overtime and unconsciously affect the present quality of our lives.

I used to think I hadn’t experienced much trauma in my life because there was nothing ‘really big’ shadowing part of my past. But the more I began to learn about the nature of trauma and what makes something traumatic, the more I realized I had plenty. Some were obvious, like the deaths of grandparents and friends, but so many others had gone under the radar for so long (like pets disappearing, mean childhood pranks, the condescension of others, etc.)… And I realized that by not acknowledging them, I was denying a part of my own innocence and delaying part of my own growth.

We’ve all had traumatic experiences, and we’re all affected differently by them. What may be traumatic to one person might roll off another’s back. We can’t judge another’s emotion, pain or turmoil, but we can learn to face and manage our own. All feelings are valid and yet they should be explored so we do not become slave to them. We all have wounded parts. Those wounds should be tended to without over or under-exaggeration to let the healing begin.

Our own personal healing may be exactly what the world needs now.

Writing a Book, pt. III – Re-creating Our Stories & Creatively Journeying Through Life

The ‘Something So Obvious’ Healing Journey Workshop

Something So Obvious is about how people heal, how they become enlightened, and what they do with that awareness. It’s a lifelong process that we can learn to accept and improve upon as we go. We’re all on a journey of self-discovery as we discover the world around us, and that includes experiencing setbacks and uncovering vulnerabilities. So we must as well heal as we go or else our growth will be limited and true satisfaction fleeting. Seeing our lives as a journey of healing, growth and joy – while overcoming occasional blockages and traumas – is different from pursuing happiness and stopping reluctantly to deal with one crisis after another. Incorporating the challenges into the journey, they become inspirations and catalysts for self and life improvement.

In putting this book together – characters, experiences and growth opportunities - we’re also creating a program for journey work at Middle Way Health. The Something So Obvious storyline mirrors anyone’s story. It represents our struggles and growth. It even exemplifies how we at Middle Way Health lead people through their own healing and growth. Because the only way to talk about and envision the whole journey is via a relatable story or biography which people can identify with. Then we go from healing (feeling safe, comfortable and empathized with) to learning healthier living (a new way of being). We’re not just solving problems but moving beyond them by visualizing and practicing new ways of experiencing life. As well, we re-write our own stories as we choose.

Why is the story so important - becoming aware of our personal stories, or what Stephen sometimes calls our ‘inner screenplay’? It’s important because we will usually stick to our previously-written script whether it’s working for us or not, whether we’re aware of doing this or not. Becoming conscious about the story we’re telling ourselves - the novel where in, the big screen we see ourselves on - allows us to question who really wrote the story, what it’s based on, if it fits us, and whether we believe we can change it.

The kind of “story” we’re talking about involves the assumptions, beliefs and unconscious patterns we developed long ago, the basic building blocks that frame our current actions, reactions and emotions. We get tricked into thinking that if we just keep doing the same thing over and over again, a new outcome will eventually occur. As well, we’ve become so accustomed to our dysfunctional patterns that we choose the broken record over the effort it will take to make a new one.

And yet, sometimes it’s not enough to just write down our story and then reframe it in a positive light. We have to dig deeper and then evaluate who, what and where we actually want to be. Stories stick with us because we haven’t checked them for accuracy or validity. It’s hard to make change at that level because we’re not trained on how to go about doing it. That’s why we need others to help us, a healing team to access the story from different angles. We need help getting out of the crash-and-burn-and-heal habit, and into an engaging, authentic pattern of deep healing and self-actualization.

But uncovering the old story and writing a new story is still not enough. If we lived only in the ethereal dreamland of our new story – not actually acting it out in real life – we’d just be swapping a fairytale for a fantasy. Trying out our new story, and editing and improving it as we go, takes us from just surviving to actually thriving. This is what we call ‘La Dolce Vita’, or the sweet life.

Writing a Book, pt. II – The Philosophical Side of a Creative Project’s Journey

Recently on the Heart & Soul blog we talked about embarking on a long-term project and how it stacks up in the scheme of our lives. While there’s a thrill from the potential of the project and a motivation to keep going, there is at times also a wistful aura around it when interruptions force a temporary separation.

But interruptions aren’t actually separate from our creative life’s journey; they are part of the journey. Like being on a road trip and having to pull over to change a tire… It is simply a detour to a new and unexpected experience. And it should be savored (or at least accepted) rather than viewed as something that’s not supposed to be happening.

So then what exactly does a creative project mean as it relates to our lives? Because there’s always some connection and some grander meaning to our creative endeavors. Using our imaginations to think differently, we are connecting with a deeper part of ourselves and bringing it out into the world. Therefore, any creative or novel activity not only brings about a new facet of reality, it also reflects our private inner journeys.

A book, for example, is always somewhat autobiographical, being part of the writer’s own story. And as the story and characters evolve, so do those of us involved. A certain partnership develops not only between those working together on the same project, but between project and creator. And as these relationships strengthen, so does the potential for our lives. For example, the vision for our fiction novel Something So Obvious has expanded along with that of our practice at Middle Way Health. The project itself has become part of our inner vision, part of our personal growth, and part of our professional growth.

Collaborating with others on a long-term project requires a mutual respect and admiration. This then evokes an equality that allows us to inspire one other, be open to new ideas, brainstorm out of blocks, and keep each other on track. We stay grounded by creating a healthy sense of place, which we accomplish by meeting at the office once a week, catching up on personal stuff, and then delving into the deliciousness of letting our minds wander freely.

But it is nonetheless a process, and process implies movement. It’s almost as if we’re all on a pilgrimage together, like we’re traveling in a moving train across landscapes that continually change and yet sometimes repeat without ever being exactly the same. Our lives go on just as the train traverses boundless territory. Meanwhile, we are part of the landscape - not mere observers - affecting it as well as we go. The conversations change as we get older and grow, incorporating our newness into the story and the story’s excitement into our own lives. The settings and characters constantly evolve, just like real life.

And yet, there’s also an odd ‘Alice in Wonderland’-like quality to the journey that can cause us to wonder at times whether we’re really going anywhere or if it’s the landscape that’s actually the thing moving around us. So we pause and ingest the big picture - newness and all – and realize that our project remains a tangible thing, building a framework to which we can take hold and a structure for the relationship that enables a genuine richness to flourish.

Any relationship is unique in itself, but it takes on another dimension when we have a common goal and work through it together. Like traveling companions, our conversations and habits change when embarking on this kind of a journey. There is a familiarity that allows us to share what feels necessary or right, and a focus that then pushes us to get down to the work at hand; Work that takes effort and persistence in bridging inner and outer worlds, but includes plenty of play in the rich realms of imagination.

Creating something, imagining something to life, and working with others on its manifestation can be a dizzying process. It may be moving fast when we want to slow down or it can seem at a standstill when we’d really like to be cruising at a comfortable pace. But here’s where the lesson of the journey is: We’re not in total control of the wheel, the winds, visibility, or other variable factors. They too are our silent partners, whether supporting us, guiding us, inspiring us, or providing necessary detours along the way.

Writing a Book, pt. I – The Practical Side of a Project’s Journey

“How’s the book coming along?,” they ask – spouses, coworkers, friends, loved ones and acquaintances. Sometimes there’s a sense of pure anticipation to the question, as if they can’t wait to see what we’ve been creating all this time. Other times there’s a hint of curiosity about whether it’s really happening or ever going to be finished. And we understand the uncertainty. It’s easy to make plans for our lives, it’s easy to talk about things; but it’s harder to actually do them, to follow through, to finish. And even if we begin an inspired project… well, we all know how that can go.

“Experiencing stops and starts to a project is a lot like life’s journey,” Stephen says. It’s not all one flawless effortless process even though we struggle to make it so. “A book at the end appears seamless,” he adds, contemplating our literary journey. “But of course it isn’t.”

So what’s it like writing a book? And where are we in the process of this particular one?

Writing a book while managing a career or full-time job is a lot like raising a family… While managing a career or full-time job. You’ve got a babe on one hip and another at the table needing breakfast; a phone in one ear, a spouse in the other; one eye on the clock and one eye on what’s cooking in the kettle. The book is a passion of yours – or you wouldn’t be writing it – but it doesn’t always get top-priority status compared to what it takes to keep your life running smoothly and your work keeping you afloat. But it becomes part of that family nonetheless.

With my first book, Portals to the Soul, the Psyche & a More Enchanted Life, I was fortunate enough to be able to devote the entirety of my days to researching, writing, editing and publishing the book. And I worked hard at it. I knew I had a certain window in which to create and get this thing out into the world, and I took full advantage of it. What made it easier is that I had a very clear and strong vision for the project and so I was highly motivated and more disciplined than I’d ever been in my life. But no two creative projects unfold in precisely the same manner, and I’ve personally started (and not finished) maybe 10 books since then ~ Focus faltered, life intervened, and I let it. While I’d rather these projects have been completed, I also trust the ebb and flow of things. Sometimes what gets in the way of a specific success is simply another type of success.

When Stephen and I began visualizing and writing Something So Obvious, it was a nonfiction book and it had a different title. As we got farther into it, we realized we really had two different, albeit related books. So we then began writing two different but related books - one a nonfiction manual for future workshops, and the other a fiction novel to complement the manual, as well as simply stand alone for general reading audiences.

We’d usually meet once a week for just an hour at a time. It was Stephen’s reprieve from a busy psychotherapy practice and it was a great creative outlet for me. Although the process was rather slow in comparison, it was always rich with imagination, surprise and reward. Thus, the more invested in the book we each became.

But life has a way of getting in the way of your plans at times, and oftentimes, the book has taken a backseat to other projects requiring immediate and prolonged attention. These include visualizing Middle Way Health’s expansion and creating a new website, starting a newsletter and eventually an online magazine, designing brochures and writing a blog, inviting the Dalai Lama to Sacramento and dealing with the politics, moving offices and re-decorating, moving again and creating another website… And on the list goes of things we do in order to grow, evolve and invite greater success into our lives.

Looking back at what we’ve done so far, Something So Obvious encompasses years of hard work and persistence – although this hasn’t been painful because we’ve always enjoyed and believed in what we were doing. But the book also began to take on more life than we’d expected, not only reflecting our personal lives, but affecting our professional ones. Having to dig deep and imagine beyond boundaries opened our minds further to what we wanted from our lives and careers and thus helped shape the evolution of Middle Way Health. Creating a work of fiction – where anything is possible – also began shaping the infrastructure of the practice, which in turn now feeds back into all of our creative projects.

So meanwhile, when we get pulled away from writing the book because we’re working on other components of our success or dealing with our personal lives, she waits patiently for us to return. And yet she lingers always in our minds still with a certain unknowing and an element of ‘What will be’ intrigue. No one knows exactly when or how or what she will become, the process of creation being what it is: a mysterious journey of vision, action, patience and persistence. So instead of fighting the process, we tag along with a sense of humor, a satchel of flexibility, and a sense of gratitude for having so much we’d still like to accomplish.

http://middlewayhealth.com/books-workshops/

In the meantime, pick up a copy of our easy-to-read, practical life guide book, Falling in Love with the World Again, in our office or on Amazon.

Home... or Adventure?

When I was a young adult waking to the adult world around me, I had a pretty pastel-colored card taped to my refrigerator. On it was a picture of a little girl standing before a fork in the road. There was a signpost pointed in two different directions - one arrow was labeled ‘Home’, and the other, ‘World’. I had a deep longing for home and comfort, and yet I also understood the pull of adventure.

All of us long for that feeling of home, a place where we are always welcomed, feel safe, loved and free to be exactly who we are. But that doesn’t mean we want to be home 24/7. Most of us as well are called out into the world by beckoning dreams and burgeoning desires, hopeful that our journeys will keep us well and our adventures will deepen our lives. But how many of us actually enhance our lives and equip our spirits with a healthy balance of both Home and World?

Our families are usually a driving force behind creating and maintaining a home stronghold. We need a place in which to rest and rejuvenate, commune and connect, and dance around the living room in our pajamas. We even have an instinctual urge to nest and create a safe haven from the chaos of the world at large. Some of us try to re-create our childhood experiences in the form of home, while others attempt to fashion an entirely new nesting habitat and familial rituals.

But too much home and not enough adventure can leave us stagnant, dull and set in our ways. And too much journeying forgoing a home-front can leave us ungrounded, scattered or anxious. We need a sense of home for psychological, physical and spiritual reasons. Yet while creating a home space might seem easy to some, to be truly satisfying it requires a significant level of awareness, an openness to other people, and a willingness to sustain that feeling of ‘home’.

Sometimes, on the other hand, we actually have to leave home in order to appreciate all that it means and gives to us. We need to occasionally journey away in order to get a grander sense of things and a fresh perspective on who we are and how we’re living. Coincidentally, setting out on a journey may seem daunting or we may find ourselves clinging to home at its very onset. Journeys do require a certain amount of courage, flexibility, determination and hope. Even those that seem effortless are deepening our character and our ability to affect our lives for the better.

Our careers might provide us with adventures in the form of travel, or our search for meaning may lead us unto journeys of self discovery. But any journey, really, should lead to some sort of self-awareness or bigger-picture understanding. Then, we can head on home, equipped with an expanded perspective, a deeper wisdom - and most likely - a fresh, sincere appreciation of home.