How to See People WHOLE

My husband says that he thinks I’m pretty darn perfect most of the time (and to be fair, he usually acts like he actually thinks this). Until…He doesn’t.

Every couple of months Tom suddenly expresses a list of gripes about me – most of which I’ve heard before. And so – upset but curious - I ask him, ‘Why don’t you tell me these things as they’re happening, rather than letting them bottle up and then randomly explode?’ He never really has an answer for me.

I, on the other hand, tend to express my frustrations as we go; something many men like to call “nagging”. And yes, it’s usually a repeat gripe (so whose fault it this – mine or his? We may never settle this one, I know…).

So, the reality is, we both have issues with one another at times. Who doesn’t? No matter how much I like and/or love someone, I don’t think any relationship can ever be 100% harmonious. Even my own mother – who says her children “can do no wrong” – is occasionally upset with my brother or me. And that’s just plain real.

Each of us has enlightened/ideal qualities… As well as practical/flawed qualities. If we choose to see just one aspect in someone, it’s eventually going to backfire on the both of us.

I know I’m not the exact same person 24/7, and much of the time I can admit this. Human interactions and communications can be complex and confusing. I don’t even always know why I do what I do or say what I say; although I can at least admit that and keep trying to learn more about myself to help me, myself and I – and friends/family – grow.

Anyway, show me someone you think is ‘perfect’, and chances are you’re idealizing them, are infatuated with them, or actually love their unique blend of hard and soft, dark and light, expected and mysterious behavior. Until for a bit or a long while, it rubs you the wrong way and you think you just can’t take it any longer. Well, welcome to the Real Relationships Club.

Being realistic about our own quirky traits and those of the ones we care about helps us find the compassion it takes to understand, forgive, move on, and hopefully learn something about ourselves along the way. We are then (ideally at least) given the same understanding and respect in return.

[Original Painting by Melanie Noel Light]

Burnout – A Life Force Exhausted

Why do we push ourselves to the point of detrimental consequences such as fatigue or exhaustion, anxiety or stress, depression or isolation…? Is it the expectation we feel to act a certain way coming from society, family and friends, work associates, or ourselves?

We aren’t born this way, but it becomes engrained in our psyche. And how many of us stop to question it? Often, it’s an illness or traumatic life event that wakes us up to wondering why we’re accepting a life of stress or exhaustion rather than serenity or fulfillment. In a sense, we’re sometimes forced to free ourselves from the traps of these societal expectations of productivity and busyness.

In my 20s I accepted the “fact” that adult life was going to be fairly cold and hard. My main goal was supposed to be making a living for myself. I was ‘financially scared’ into thinking that should be first and foremost. But a little voice inside of me asked, ‘Where had the wonder gone?’

As I befriended that voice and she helped me hone a vision plus gain courage over the years, the tides began turning. There came a point when I knew I would have to do something radical – and somewhat socially unacceptable at my age – which was quit my job, move to Maine and work in a national park for a summer. What was going to happen afterward? I didn’t know the details; I just knew it was going to be a fresh start based on MY terms and conditions.

“Burnout” is also known as Compassion Fatigue for those who make a living helping others. Stephen Walker’s advice is not to give more than 49%. “Know when and how much to let go,” he says (Perhaps we could all benefit from hearing more from him on this).

“Self Care is important as a remedy,” he also says, “but often there’s a control issue (believing you’re supposed to give 100%, be in control at all times, and are responsible for it all). There’s ego behind it too, tying you to these expectations, but it’s also the work culture in America.”

Then there’s the Retirement Mentality, when you work until you hit the wall, then have to collapse instead of relaxing. Stephen’s advice: “Don’t take it to the limit because it’s just not sustainable.”

Not all burnout is the same. We each have our own “brand” of burnout depending on our lifestyle. Some of us feel overworked or overly stressed, while others feel underwhelmed or uninspired. Like depression and anxiety, they are two sides of the same coin. In fact, it is actually difficult for me to talk about burnout right now because what I am feeling is more like the former: Intermittent bouts of depression and anxiety. It feels more like a societal-lifestyle burnout in that I feel disconnected from the most basic joys of making a life rather than making a living.

For instance, my awareness is extremely heightened about the “carbon footprint” I am leaving behind. What matters most to me – aside from kindred family and friends – is recycling more and “consuming” less, growing my own food and making my own herbs, saving the bees and other endangered species, investing locally and conscientiously, stopping to smell the rosemary each and every day… Basically, living closer to the land while caring deeply for it, not just taking from it. This way of life takes me back to the basics of life. And while it may seem “survivalist”, it feels more along the lines of thriving to me. Even perhaps, thriving from the surviving. Because what do all those societal expectations mean or lead to, anyway? A distraction from our own empowerment? A distraction from the wonders of caring for our own needs? A false belief that a busy life is a truly fulfilling one?

Again, my current burnout may look and feel quite different from yours. But the more you get to know it, the more you get to know yourself and what matters most. Thus, the more you can alter the details/circumstances of your life based on your heart/soul/spirit’s truest longings. A significant door may close behind you, but the views from that newly opened window may be unforgettably majestic.

Trauma II: Spring Cleaning

Traumas happen to all of us throughout our lives, from so small that we hardly notice them to so large that they affect our every interaction with the world around us. And there’s a lot in between as well. But how many of us are actually aware of how the trauma response operates and where we are emotionally in the process?

Traumas can be physical, as in injury to the body, but there is also always an accompanying mental component. Most traumas, however, are strictly emotional, which makes them even harder to detect and heal. While none of us is immune to trauma, the question is how – and if – we deal with it. Learning to identify traumatic experiences and understanding how the internal process works is one giant step in the direction of self-healing and empowerment.

When any kind of experience occurs that triggers a traumatic response, the initial - almost instantaneous - reaction may be one of non-judgment. Like witnessing a violent or disturbing scene in slow motion, a part of you knows it’s not going to have a good outcome, but you haven’t yet formed a solid judgment around it or experienced the full flood of resulting emotions.
This means the trauma reaction has not yet kicked in. And for some, it never does kick in (a form of denial). For most people, however, they never get past one of the stages of trauma.

Basically, the trauma response is being impressioned by something that happens and imprisoned by the fight or flight. Our only options are remaining stuck in one or multiple stages… or getting through the process, out of its shackles, and on with our life.
A common reaction to the trauma response is armoring up. But this won’t help us get around the trauma because the trauma will always find a way in. It’s already in, in fact, attached at the core, and this is why it can have such a powerful hold on us if not dealt with.

Getting to the healthy wisdom place amidst trauma involves seeing the big picture, including how it all unfolds inside you – the traumatized part as well as the untraumatized part – and how the balance forms between them. Meaning, what is it inside you that can see both the pain and the logic at the same time? Getting to the place where you can feel the pain or grief while saying it’s ok is a healthy form of acceptance and letting go. The wisdom mind can re-create a place of nonjudgmental awareness and stabilize/embody it anytime.

Trauma is especially common in caregivers, rescuers and the like. But it’s not just the traumatic experiences that cause problems; it’s also our reactions to them. For instance, feeling overwhelmed, trapped, helpless, or like you really screwed up can cause PTSD (which truly is a trauma prison). You may be angry with yourself or someone else, and this is trapping you further, being obsessed with trying to change it or ruminating over it. Some people even let the trauma become their defining identity.

The only way back to a balanced state is getting out of the vicious cycle (which becomes the trauma story you live within). When you can talk about one of life’s battle scars while allowing the feelings to come through and express themselves - without being sucked back into the drama - this is healing. Getting back to positive emotions can break you of the negative cycle because they are constructive and you can use them to better your life rather than break it down.

The good news is that actively working through trauma and adding a spiritual element can lead to a real deep resolution! But… most people aren’t going to go there. Why? Fear and denial. Fear of the intensity of the feelings, fear that the pain will never end, and fear of loss of control. As for denial, it’s a powerful self “protective” mechanism that actually does quite the opposite: It doesn’t allow us to heal, to fully engage in our lives, or reach our potential as human beings.

Hey, we’ve all experienced overwhelming, upsetting or traumatic events. But some of them just might be prohibiting us from accessing all the wisdoms, joys and triumphs in life. The best way to rid of monsters (real or symbolic) is to face them and shed a light on the fears they bring up. The best way to free up sacred healing space is to clean out a closet once in a while, and maybe donate the old bones to science. The stories we live with then can at least be honest, and maybe even helpful for others.
Trauma can be accessed and worked through via talk therapy, writing therapy, hypnotherapy, shamanic healing, or meditation and mindfulness, all of which are offered at Middle Way Health. Want to know more? Watch for part 3 where we’ll get into just what the five stages of trauma are.