The Strange and the Familiar ~

Things just don’t always make sense. Sometimes they seem to make sense to someone else, but not us. “If it doesn’t make sense it might not make sense, you know?” Stephen says referring to something we’ve been discussing. “You can’t make something seem rational that’s not. On the other hand, you can’t make someone see something that’s really obvious to us, but not them. We all miss stuff.”

So then are some things just inherently more sensible? And some of us can see that while others can’t? And if so, there must also be things that exist that are less rational. For instance, it makes sense to take care of our health so we are capable of living to our fullest. It doesn’t make much sense to be so careless and destructive that we are living a subpar life or causing it to end too soon. But both of these things happen. And while we can judge one better than the other, we all have the freewill to decide how we want to go about experiencing our lives.

So for things to exist, they don’t really have to make sense, do they? And rationale is not the only way to go. We may rely on it to a large extent, but then, what I think is irrational is not always agreed upon by someone else. So their behavior will be a reflection of where they are mentally coming from. Unless, they aren’t even aware of what or how they’re feeling, and yet they’re acting out nonetheless. Awareness – or we should say lack of awareness - is often the missing link. People don’t always stop and do the work it takes to analyze the basic beliefs from which they’re operating. Which again, doesn’t make sense, but it happens all the time, right?

And then there are the limitations of all that “rational” stuff. Do you ever make a list of pros and cons, and despite the list being weighted heavily to one side, go the route of the other because you ‘just feel it’? And how often are these decisions wrong? In my experience, rational thought will only take us so far. We can rationalize something to death, but still be compelled to act against it, and not regret our decision later. This must mean we’re also guided by other forces or “senses”. What else is there at our disposal, aside from practicality? Intuition, instinct, passion, vision, emotions, thoughts, etc. that seem to come from anyplace but the mind. So is rationale just a part of a larger whole?

Along the lines of yin and yang, sense cannot exist without nonsense. So even when everything turns upside down and we see no sense in sight, it’s always there nonetheless. We might just have to wait it out, but it always shows itself again. When I’m at my wit’s end and it seems the whole cosmos is plotting against me or an aspect of my life, I vent to someone who cares. Or if I’m really feeling trapped, I mentally plot my escape route out of the situation. Even if I’m just humoring myself, I’m really trying to find whatever sanity I can in whatever order seems to be left, which is often hiding in something simple or mundane I normally procrastinate about (like doing dishes or cleaning the frig). And in immersing myself in something I can make sense and order from, I’m letting it all go until the big picture balances itself again.

In one aspect of our lives or another there’s always going to be something unresolved. But if we’re armed with a generally healthy perspective and attitude, we’re going to find joy in something else. One thing going wrong can make everything else feel wrong, but we have to recognize that it’s not. There’s always something good somewhere to hold on to.

“I’m always really interested in the balance of the strange and the familiar,” Stephen says, an acceptance we could all benefit from. But how many of us choose not to be so fascinated by the contradictions in life? We have a strong tendency to fight heartily against them, or give up altogether. But the co-existence of strange and familiar may just be one of the building blocks of our lives, which would make living not just a survival game, but a creative art-form; one that requires varying amounts of certain things… Like the ability to analyze and assess real resources at hand, balanced with a willingness to throw a little caution to the wind. Hey, if both the sensible and the absurd can come at us at once, mixing practicality with a dose of ‘come-what-may, bring-it-on’ adventurousness might sometimes be the most fruitful and freeing response.

Little Blisses ~

Why did Julie Andrews sing about her favorite things in ‘The Sound of Music’? Because she and the Colonel’s children were all distracted from sleep and frightened by a storm. It was probably a metaphor for the political storm building in a much more significant way around them. But we’ve all got “storms” of some sort brewing in our lives or proximity. We can deal with them if that’s an option, but often we have to ‘weather’ the storm: Be heartier and more long-lasting than it. When this is the case, we need pleasant distractions - Or better yet, a genuine desire to note what is uplifting. And when considering this, we shouldn’t judge the quality of the elevating entity by its size, because we’d just be selling ourselves short.

I like to call them ‘little blisses’, and I made a list of some of my favorite things today. Because noting all the sweet and bold things from which we glean pleasure on a daily basis, the significance of our actual burdens lessens somewhat and our trivial worries become that much easier to spot and swat away. Remembering the everyday things makes us stop and appreciate them, and appreciation evokes a state of grace, like a kind of everyday sacredness.

Sure, some days aren’t so productive and some don’t end so rosy, no matter how hard we try. I, for one, did not awake feeling like Julie Andrews bathed in bliss on a mountain top. But I did what needed to be done just to maintain the status quo of my life. It wasn’t until my day was nearly done that I began counting my blessings, inspired by curtains blowing in the wind.

When inspiration and meaning seem out of reach, do whatever it takes to remind yourself of the preciousness in the world and look to all the places where the sacred may reside. Light a candle (number five on my favorite list) and say a prayer or affirmation. Order take-out and give the cook a rest. Take your kids to a park and soak up the nature sounds. Or write down your woes, honor them, and then let them go for the night.

Because when we start looking at what makes us happy – instead of what doesn’t – we invoke little bits of joy. And before you know it, when you look around at what’s truly there, there are a thousand things to love in one instant. And this graceful, appreciative way of looking at our lives brings us back down to an earth that is nurturing, supportive and always providing something for which to thank our lucky stars.

Succumbing to Sickness – Necessary or Not? ~

What’s your take on getting sick? Is it mind over matter or is it only a matter of biology? Can you not “afford” to get sick or are you a bear to deal with when sick? Do you think we “catch” bugs or succumb to only some of them? Does your mental or emotional state have anything to do with whether you get sick or not? For instance, is chronic stress or running yourself ragged a catalyst? Or were you just at the wrong place at the wrong time?

We all have different theories about getting sick. Lama Jinpa believes that getting a little bit sick can build up antibodies. When he fights getting sick, that’s when he tends to get sick, he says. Can you relax into the sickness rather than pushing through it? Can you see it as an opportunity to slow down? Lama Jinpa believes this might actually aid in our recovery.

It’s natural to get sick once in a while, right? Very few of us are lucky enough to be able to say we never get sick (and is this even human?). But if we periodically get sick on the littler levels – like colds and flus – then maybe we won’t succumb to bigger illnesses, Lama la theorizes. It’s like a practice run for our immune systems; stretching them out, working them into a healthy sweat, and making them stronger in the long run.

The holistic view sees us as being healthier because of having been sick. You know that feeling – when you’re finally well again – just how good feeling normal can be, and the clarity that goes along with it? We usually only appreciate our general wellness after recovery from physical ailments, psychological angst or life turbulence. So on the mental level too, maybe getting sick serves a purpose.

Sometimes, people won’t give themselves the rest they need unless and until they become bed-ridden. But can a hearty attitude and healthy outlook actually prevent the need for such human weakness as the flu? Because if there were a way to ensure I would never, ever be sick again, I’d personally be interested in hearing about it. I just wonder if there might be any unforeseen consequences or side effects… and I’m not so sure I’m willing to be the guinea pig on this one.

A Healthy Level of Engagement

Most days as I drive around town, I see someone standing on a street corner waving a large sign advertising homes or pizzas, and more often than not they’re “tuning out” with headphones on and Ipod blaring. But some days, I spot the older gentleman with his pizza sign and I wave enthusiastically at him. I’ve actually never met him, but every time I see him he’s waving at all the cars zipping by… And it makes we wonder if we are engaged enough in the street-level sense.

Do people gather on front porches much anymore? Are there any more gas station attendants who fill your tank and check your fluids and tires? Do you frequent any neighborhood places where everybody knows your name? Or are we hiding behind our caller ID’s and online social networks so much that we’re losing our nerve or people skills?

The automated check-out lines of The Home Depot are empty whenever I’m there. Raley’s has them too, but I prefer to wait for an available clerk. It’s not because I can’t check myself out, but I’d rather have face-to-face time with a (hopefully) friendly cashier rather than interacting only with machines. To be honest, however, I don’t always choose the human route; I do love the convenience of ATMs, drive-thrus and online shopping. But I want some things to remain as they are before they become obsolete or we lose our sense of nostalgia.

What are some potentially counter-productive things we’ve learned in our modern society? Don’t talk to strangers because they have malicious motives. Don’t engage haggard-looking people because they’re probably going to ask for money. Don’t trust anyone because everyone’s out to get us. Don’t touch anything because it’s full of cooties. Whether literally or figuratively, the warnings go on. And while some may be practical, even necessary at times, we may also go too far when it comes to expecting the worst. So we lock ourselves in our houses or cars and plug our ears, rushing from place to place; weary of people, things and experiences we’re not familiar with.

One reason I like greeting the clerk at the grocery store is that it reminds me that most people are friendly and want you to have a good experience. It also keeps my social skills limber. Talking to strangers on the street? I think it keeps my compassionate nature in check – be compassionate, but know your boundaries. I guess I tend to be an engager. I smile at people I don’t know and enjoy the company of kind people. But fear and unnecessary anxieties are nevertheless things I often have to wrestle with. And when my experience does turn bad (which is rare), I check to see who instigated it. Did I attract it with my fearful or negative energy? If not - and my conscience is clean - I have to accept that it says a lot more about them than me.

If I were to let the more unpleasant experiences send me into my shell for too long, I would be a lot less likely to invite positive interactions in the future. Not to mention, a fearful person is scary in their own way… so one victim breeds another. Even if we have to practice it over and over again - playing with our boundaries and tapping into our hard-earned wisdom; even if we have to remind ourselves several times daily - let’s choose love over fear as often as possible. It is a choice, after all.

Living Within the Confines of Your Conscience

Right Livelihood. What does it mean to engage in Right Livelihood and does anyone ever talk about it? Is it about one’s career choices or the way one relates in relationships? Acting from virtues or being compassionate, responsible, aware, forgiving? Is it about doing more good than harm, having good intentions, knowing right from wrong and living from that place? Is it being true to oneself while honoring others? Considering consequences before speaking or acting? Doing things that make you feel good about yourself? Letting others be human and yourself be flawed? I’m sure we talk about these things in a round-about way, but rarely do we do it so directly as to ask ourselves or others these specific questions.

I think about my Highest Self, that person I want to be and strive to be but do not always channel as constructively as I’d like. I see her standing in a tower, wearing a long blue dress. But nor she or the tower is entirely of this world. And maybe that is exactly as it should be, always keeping me striving for more.

We all have ideals, but we must also compromise them at times in order to be fully engaged with others and with life. We can work toward our highest expectations, but that doesn’t mean they’ll pan out as we’d hoped. We can control what we think and do (although often easier said than done) but we cannot control what transpires. So the best we can do is… do the best we can as often as possible.

In our career, we can choose one that serves others – or we can at least bring honor to whatever it is that we do. In our relationships, we can be as authentic and honest as possible, hoping to bring out the best not only in others, but in ourselves. In our everyday lives and even with mundane stuff, we can make a difference by cutting down waste and negativity, engaging in honest interactions, and aiming to not only do no harm, but sometimes do a whole lot of good (even if bit by bit).

There are times in life when we wonder or ask ourselves, “What’s the point?’ It’s up to each of us to figure out what is meaningful so we don’t give up believing in something. If we lose faith, inspiration and motivation, we may even swing too far to the destructive side, harming ourselves with a dangerous lifestyle or putting others in jeopardy with no healthy conscience set firmly in place. Whatever the reasons for such a careless manner of living, there is really no excusing the actions. The best that can come out of an unpleasant situation is having learned from it. There should be no amount of money, “comfort” or “glory” worth causing others pain, even if we are doing it “unaware”. Ignorance – or denial – is no excuse for consistently bad behavior, and the immediate punishment for this may just be the pain of existing only partially alive.

To live a life based on Right Livelihood no one can be expected to be perfect. But being aware of one’s morals and how one’s decisions affect others… that alone is of the higher ground. Do you care about yourself, others and the planet, and do the majority of your actions mirror the sentiment? If not, something is most certainly off kilter, and the world feels it (even if you’re pretending not to notice).

Why should we care about what we do for a living, how we spend our free time or how we treat other beings? Because everything we do has a re-action that affects someone or something else, and somehow it always finds its way back to us. We could live ethically because of this knowing or out of guilt, or we could choose to live by a moral code that we actually feel, thus living more fully from a place of connection, awareness, intention and engagement.

Family Foundations

Family. It can be a heart-warming word or it can be a sore subject. Whether you’re close with your family, avoid them, or have no living relatives, it’s still a loaded topic; it still affects you one way or another.

I had a friend who had one of the most dysfunctional families I’d ever seen, and they couldn’t get enough of each other. My family has always been pretty loving, but not all that tight-knit. My husband and I are starting our own “family” in a sense by blending his and mine. This includes family members, differing expectations and different experiences that have shaped who we are today. So we’re not just mixing people; we’re bringing all of our family experiences from the past to the table.

If you want to get to know someone better, ask about their family. If you want to let others know you more intimately, tell them about yours. While our family experiences don’t have to define us in entirety, none of us are immune to our family dynamics. “You’ll find out more about a person by asking about their family than asking about their spiritual insights,” Lama Jinpa says. “By asking about one’s family, you’re showing that you care, but you can also glean a great deal from someone’s interactions with or thoughts on their family,” he adds. "It’s natural. Even the Buddha had family issues.”

Sometimes people don’t want to talk about their family because they’re embarrassed, deeply wounded, or are afraid of revealing weaknesses in their own character. It shouldn’t really be about blaming, although we all fear hearing this sort of criticism, don’t we? We may be blaming ourselves or blaming anyone but ourselves, but it’s more about gaining insight into why the challenges exist and how we react to them. Are we aware of the role we play in our" family dynamics?

Whether we instigated something, reacted in a way that fueled the flame or feel innocent regarding an ordeal, can we see the big picture and can we put it in perspective? Or are we holding grudges or living in denial about some aspect of our relationships? “Generally the family is still alive inside us, even if they’re gone,” Lama la says. “The family stories don’t go away.” Our past or present family experiences affect us more than we realize.

“So often we think of our spirituality just in terms of special moments, but it can be difficult to really immerse in a good spiritual practice when someone is still pissed off or wounded by one’s family.” At times we all want to imagine that we’re separate from our family, but we have to admit that we’re never entirely separate from them.

Have you ever been gathered around the family dinner table, engaged and aware of the big picture? Kind of like meditation, you’re in it and observing it at the same time. This is how you exert some control and separateness (even if just for your own sanity). This is how you say to yourself, ‘Ok, here I am as part of the family, and here I am separate from it.’ You can choose to leave the family dinner table, but you can’t ever fully take the family out of the individual. “You’re always an individual and you’re always part of the context at the same time,” Lama la says. Seeing this helps us find the balance that enables us to manage sometimes-difficult relations. And then the bigger question becomes, ‘Where are we really coming from and how are we living now?’

Blended families are extremely common these days, and they can help us see things from a different perspective. One family unit breaks apart, another is created, and we are one of the common denominators. So these experiences can create character if we learn from them. We can forge new connections and interactions, and learn to more clearly see the big picture (which isn’t all about us).

Family should provide a sort of support for all its members. So is the safety net beneath you supporting you? Or are you enmeshed in it, feeling trapped? Sometimes, we get a little of both. But if we relate to one feeling much more than the other, this insight can shed much needed light on the state of our current lives.

The Power of the Occassional “No”

How much is living a pleasant life our own responsibility? When things don’t go so well - and there seems to be a swarm of things not going so well - do we blame all the outside influences for this, not realizing how we may be inviting these things in?

When things aren’t going great or going our way, we tend to feel rather crappy about life. That’s a fairly natural reaction to un-pleasantries. But what we might have missed, however, is the fact that we were already feeling off about something; we just weren’t aware enough or didn’t stop long enough to examine why.

Say someone I work with is causing me a lot of angst, and yet I keep on working with them, keep on interacting the way I always do. Naturally, if my interaction with them remains the same, and their responses remain the same, then I’m going to keep getting the same results, i.e. me ultimately feeling anxious or stressed.

But what this initial bad feeling is telling me is that I am part of the equation. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m part of the problem, but it does mean that I have some control over the situation. If I keep putting up with some difficult person who brings unnecessary stress to my life, then in allowing it and them to remain in my life, I’m failing to take responsibility for my own peace of mind.

Sure, there are times when we can’t avoid conflict and have to work through it. Then that’s what we have to do – face it, do our best to work through it and not take it so personally. But if the situation (or person) refuses to change and we must endure a significant amount of stress because of it, how much worth does it actually hold? That’s a personal decision we must each make when faced with similar situations.

There are, however, plenty of ongoing interactions in our lives that we have significant control over, and we can basically decide to just let them go. For when we don’t – say we keep working with this client just for the money or out of habit while our sanity is cracking under the pressure – then we are the ones responsible for letting the misery in. Often, we just need to really see the situation for what it is, stand back and evaluate it with a clear head, and then make the most harmonious decision possible. Stop, check for acute or chonic stress, re-frame big picture, draw boundaries with favorite Crayolas this time.

A while back we wrote a blog entry about just saying “Yes” to life. It’s a wonderful concept we still stand by. But when something isn’t feeling right in our lives, this means the balance is off. Maybe a little bit of “No” in the right places can cure it. We all have a right to say no to things that do not serve us well. If you do it without dishonor for them and out of respect for yourself, saying no to an icky-feeling recurring situation… Well, goodness... it’s almost as if you were on the brink of creating a mighty fine life for yourself, one pretty darn-conscious decision at a time.