The Incredible Lightness of Getting Away

Do you need a vacation, or a vacation from your vacation?

Just the anticipation of an upcoming getaway is sometimes enough to help us get through a little more of what we thought we could no longer bear. We’ll push that much harder just to get through to the long-awaited time off and trip away. We may even be willing to lose sleep to get done what needs to get done, tie up those loose ends, and make our transition back that much (hopefully) easier.

I love the anticipation of vacation, even if it’s months away. I’ll make lists of things to pack, places to go and things to do before I set off on the horizon. When I have enough time in which to do this, I enjoy the planning and slow anticipation of a carefree lifestyle and renewed outlook. But often, this ends up being a luxury I can’t really afford, with time and serenity being somewhere off in the elusive distance.

Ideally, who doesn’t plan at least somewhat for vacation? We have to plan the destination, the getting there, getting around and getting back. We might plan activities ahead of time. Are we swimsuit ready, do we have the right suitcase, who will feed the pets, will we get all our work done at the office, and will we be able to foresee and sidestep any mishaps that may arise?
Even with all of this strategizing, we feel fortunate to be able to get away, don’t we? With our busy, demanding lives, vacation at times and to some can seem just a pipe dream, however. But I will argue that not making some time to ‘get away’ – whatever that means to you – actually hurts us more in the long run.

Whatever ‘high maintenance’ qualities vacation can take on, think about the demands of our daily lives. There’s so much coming and going, preparation and expectation, consequence-handling and reacting. When one problem is solved or dissolved, we move right onto the next one. Many of us feel responsible for everything around us going smoothly while we’re being pulled in multiple directions at one time. We probably don’t feel we have much – if any – of a cushion to fall back on, whether in terms of money, support or sanity. To ‘drop it all’ for a week or so can even bring on more stress and anxiety.

But again, I argue - To question not just how we got here, but why we’re still here (in this frantic pace) is precisely what the subconscious will do while you’re “away”. That part of you that knows what joy and peace and wellbeing feel like will shed its business suit and languish in every moment of free time you allow it. It will frolic, laugh and play, siesta in the afternoon, and buy silly souvenirs. But when you’re not paying attention, it will do some of the most important work - It will evaluate your life, hone in on what matters most, and point to what’s getting in the way.

This dialogue between our frantic self and our serene self is crucial in the balancing of our lives. And since vacation is the serene self’s time to shine, the frantic self (usually willingly) steps aside. Yet it is only by working together – being whole - that we can see the grains of wisdom falling through our butterfly net or out of the vast cosmos. And the easy feelings that vacation eventually brings relaxes us enough to let the clarity and meaning in.

“The best news of all is that we never really lose vacation mind,” Stephen says. It is entirely possible to feel peace in the midst of the anxiety and whatever else is going on; we don’t have to always remove the anxiety first. With vacation, Stephen adds, “You’re rolling to a stop rather than putting on the breaks. You are simply enjoying yourself naturally, rather than trying to force it.”

So have you taken a break from your typical life lately or are you at least planning to?

A new perspective can truly be a blessing, even if we simply replace a fraction of our usual daily routine with a dose of vacation bliss. What can really be so important that we don’t take care of our deepest needs? Whose world are we trying to keep spinning atop those various plates and dancing puppets? And if it’s our most personal, intimate world that’s got us so uptight and anxious, now’s the chance to rethink, re-focus and recreate. Starting someplace exotic.

Winter Solstice 2012

This is a unique time in history. We may not know exactly why, but many of us are feeling it in some way, shape or form. And so all the more reason to take care of ourselves, figure out what matters most to each of us, and focus on (and create) the wondrous.

In some ways, this December feels like the beginning of a fresh start, while also having a profound, ancient quality to it. What’s in between? Time and space to relax, reflect, and mostly, be in the present moment more presently than before. If we choose, we could even re-envision a new future for ourselves. How we think, feel and act today will affect that future more than anything.

As the holidays are upon us, we can find meaning inherent in them (whether we’re religious or not) or create new traditions that speak to the soul. Being with loved ones, slowing down, appreciating our surroundings, realizing the importance of our health, creating and enjoying peace and harmony… We are reminded of the significance of these things this time of year, as it is an opportunity to awaken the spirit. This, however, requires moving past societal pressures while connecting with earthly and spiritual ones.

Eclipses, full moons, solstices, planetary alignments and shifts signal powerful energies lining up. They are natural rhythms that are opportunities for reflection, renewal and celebration. By connecting with the powers all around us we can ground ourselves, release stress, and tap into the most magical and meaningful things – some of which might not yet even exist.

Often, when things shift from day to night, dark to light, full to empty, one season to another, these in-between times reveal subtle places and powers we tend to miss. Time and space converge in a unique way, and we ought to be open, curious, magical in our thinking. But how do we tap into the potential that lies in the in-between moment and the opportunities for us to become more aware, calm and connected?

This is done by holding the two polarities (day and night, light and dark, etc.) together at one time, even if just for a moment. Just notice them and that place where their energies are even; then hold them in awareness without judgment. When we’re in an innocent state something happens in between, something forms between the gap. That’s where the real energy, the real self is. It’s not just happening outside of us; it’s felt in the body too. What’s happening in the universe in also happening in us.

Whether it’s our nature or something we’ve learned, we tend to be antagonistic about opposites, always thinking we have to choose just one and reject the other. But when we begin to experience these polarities working together – when we’re somewhere between ‘holding on’ and ‘let go’ - a special energy happens in the gap and something appears out of that space that is new. This newness can be tapped into by being present and open, and catching a wave of inspiration or insight.

Tapping into nature’s power - the earth beneath us, the energies around us, and the cosmic powers above us – help us tap into our personal power. By thinking of our highest intentions, we can bring about our highest potential, one moment at a time. Simple and profound.

Ignorance, Oblivion and Living in Extremes

We’re all oblivious to something in our lives at any given time. Usually in hindsight – if we bother to look back – we can see it. But how do we do it in the present moment? Are we not capable of seeing it, is it some sort of denial, or are we just not versed in how to see it? How do we start to see what we’re currently not seeing?

Practically speaking, when we focus on something in front of us, we can’t see what’s behind us. We weren’t born with eyes in the back of our heads for a reason, right? However, we do sometimes need to know what’s going on behind us, and we can utilize our senses in order to do so, whether we turn around and literally look or just hone in with general awareness.

But in other situations, we have a feeling we’re missing something; we just don’t know what or where that something is. So how do we know what the right questions are to ask and/or where to look for the answers? Should we stay put and wait for them to come to us or should we go out looking for them?

Often, just talking with someone else is enough to widen our perspective and see something we hadn’t before. But sometimes the problem is that we don’t want to see the other side because we’re hyper-focused on one extreme. For instance, we may choose to not see someone else’s side of things because we’re too wrapped up in our own suffering. We might also be ignoring the big picture because we’ve created a habit of vacillating between two extremes. For example, we might not see that a relationship is unfulfilling because we’ve become too accustomed to swinging directly from misery to bliss, and vice versa.

The problem is that in preferring one specific feeling or bouncing between two extreme ones, we’re ignoring the balancing of our human processes and the work it takes to keep finding healthy middle ground. It takes constant awareness and energy to be flexible in this way, and many of us aren’t accustomed to living like this. But by shedding light on our unconscious patterns, we can free up the trapped energies and utilize them to create more efficient and pleasant ways of living.

Watch for part II - where we elaborate further on 'What We're Missing' - to come~

A Joy-Filled Life with Unresolved Problems ~

A lot of people these days complain about things never being perfect and life being so darn hard. It almost becomes their mantra and they then remain stuck within a negative spiral. We all know life can be challenging and unbelievably frustrating at times. But if we come to believe and expect this is mostly all there is, we’ll continue to find a lot more of the same. If on the other hand we were to accept and embrace the nature of life - with its ups and downs, chaos and uncertainties, action and re-actions – we actually wouldn’t have to be so surprised or upset when “life” just does what life tends to do.

There are moments and situations in each of our lives that may feel perfect, but life will never be perfect all the time. We all know this, and yet we still butt up against life’s imperfect nature and continue to use it as a reason or excuse to not be happy. Thus, we’ll never find the joy that’s always there waiting to be harnessed; ‘there’ being wherever you want to find it.

“A joy filled life with unresolved problems” is how Stephen likes to put it, and we can all have one, starting right now. Since the obstacles and antagonists won’t ever dissolve for good, finding the joy in spite of the imperfections of life should be our unrelenting goal. Find a reason to be happy now - find yourself feeling wiser, calmer and more empowered too!

But people are creatures of habits that don’t suit them. They get so tired, so resentful of having to do the same things over and over again; not realizing they’re fighting the nature of being and exhausting themselves with the wasted effort. “Life is always going to be unresolved to an extent,” Stephen says, “because we have to keep eating, breathing and doing human activities to survive… And there are always consequences to that.” The joy however - which is buried beneath - is found in acceptance rather than stubbornness; and thus not trying to resolve things that cannot be picture-perfectly wrapped.

In each of our lives there are going to be conflicts that never seem to go away - like dysfunctional family stuff, tragedies that change us, intractable oppositions, and impossible situations. “There are always things that just go incredibly wrong and are conventionally unsolvable.” You just can’t make everybody happy, nor can you rectify everything. We fear and fight the existence of difficulties, but have to deal with them as long as we’re here. There’s always going to be something undone, askew or uncomfortable.

So what are we going to do in the meantime? Are we going to let it ruin yet another moment, yet another day, yet another year? The ‘I’ll finally be happy when I get this out of the way’ kind of mentality doesn’t work very well because there’s always something to fret about next. And then here we go again letting another hassle get in the way of our happiness.

Yes, life is a learning process, and learning can be challenging at times, but it’s not an unbearable lesson or test that we’re failing in the meantime. It can just feel that way because similar things keep popping up, making us feel as if we’re spinning our wheels or obstructing the view of that beautiful horizon we so love to dream about.

Do you find yourself needing absolutes in life – like flawless truth or impervious rationale – and then feeling continually frustrated or let down? Would you really prefer to be free and happy instead, creating your own life in the here and now? Just take a step back and see the multi-faceted life that touches and moves us all. Decide to deal with what can be dealt with and commit to returning to happiness as many times a day as possible. All that fretting, worrying and complaining can really choke the life force out of you, and isn’t usually based on much we can control anyway.

So when something goes wrong, instead of operating from a stuck place ~ create a new thought, a new solution or a new opportunity. Resilience plus creativity breed adventurism and character. Forging a new way, a different reaction or a more practical perspective means we’re no longer trapped by our minds’ neurosis. Learn to trust your intelligence, respect what makes you happy and keep chugging along. Become a master at harmonizing with the screwed up nature of things. You know Yoda would be proud.

The Strange and the Familiar ~

Things just don’t always make sense. Sometimes they seem to make sense to someone else, but not us. “If it doesn’t make sense it might not make sense, you know?” Stephen says referring to something we’ve been discussing. “You can’t make something seem rational that’s not. On the other hand, you can’t make someone see something that’s really obvious to us, but not them. We all miss stuff.”

So then are some things just inherently more sensible? And some of us can see that while others can’t? And if so, there must also be things that exist that are less rational. For instance, it makes sense to take care of our health so we are capable of living to our fullest. It doesn’t make much sense to be so careless and destructive that we are living a subpar life or causing it to end too soon. But both of these things happen. And while we can judge one better than the other, we all have the freewill to decide how we want to go about experiencing our lives.

So for things to exist, they don’t really have to make sense, do they? And rationale is not the only way to go. We may rely on it to a large extent, but then, what I think is irrational is not always agreed upon by someone else. So their behavior will be a reflection of where they are mentally coming from. Unless, they aren’t even aware of what or how they’re feeling, and yet they’re acting out nonetheless. Awareness – or we should say lack of awareness - is often the missing link. People don’t always stop and do the work it takes to analyze the basic beliefs from which they’re operating. Which again, doesn’t make sense, but it happens all the time, right?

And then there are the limitations of all that “rational” stuff. Do you ever make a list of pros and cons, and despite the list being weighted heavily to one side, go the route of the other because you ‘just feel it’? And how often are these decisions wrong? In my experience, rational thought will only take us so far. We can rationalize something to death, but still be compelled to act against it, and not regret our decision later. This must mean we’re also guided by other forces or “senses”. What else is there at our disposal, aside from practicality? Intuition, instinct, passion, vision, emotions, thoughts, etc. that seem to come from anyplace but the mind. So is rationale just a part of a larger whole?

Along the lines of yin and yang, sense cannot exist without nonsense. So even when everything turns upside down and we see no sense in sight, it’s always there nonetheless. We might just have to wait it out, but it always shows itself again. When I’m at my wit’s end and it seems the whole cosmos is plotting against me or an aspect of my life, I vent to someone who cares. Or if I’m really feeling trapped, I mentally plot my escape route out of the situation. Even if I’m just humoring myself, I’m really trying to find whatever sanity I can in whatever order seems to be left, which is often hiding in something simple or mundane I normally procrastinate about (like doing dishes or cleaning the frig). And in immersing myself in something I can make sense and order from, I’m letting it all go until the big picture balances itself again.

In one aspect of our lives or another there’s always going to be something unresolved. But if we’re armed with a generally healthy perspective and attitude, we’re going to find joy in something else. One thing going wrong can make everything else feel wrong, but we have to recognize that it’s not. There’s always something good somewhere to hold on to.

“I’m always really interested in the balance of the strange and the familiar,” Stephen says, an acceptance we could all benefit from. But how many of us choose not to be so fascinated by the contradictions in life? We have a strong tendency to fight heartily against them, or give up altogether. But the co-existence of strange and familiar may just be one of the building blocks of our lives, which would make living not just a survival game, but a creative art-form; one that requires varying amounts of certain things… Like the ability to analyze and assess real resources at hand, balanced with a willingness to throw a little caution to the wind. Hey, if both the sensible and the absurd can come at us at once, mixing practicality with a dose of ‘come-what-may, bring-it-on’ adventurousness might sometimes be the most fruitful and freeing response.

It’s the Little Things that Create the Big Ones

While many of us are struggling to “survive” during these dynamic, tumultuous times, I think that more than ever we need to grasp the wonder and the richness of simplicity. Basically, boiling our lives down to what matters most to each of us will help our perspective – and priorities – shift to a more manageable place. Trying to have or do it all might just be too ambitious at times, and that pressure alone could be just what’s ailing us.

I recently read that what one average Joe typically does in a day is enough to exhaust the otherworldly beings watching over us. That concept made me stop to consider it and my own ways… Do I frequently applaud myself for getting out of bed in the morning, giving something – anything – my best shot, smiling at a stranger, and being present enough to avoid that indecisive squirrel in the road? Or do I mentally beat myself up for not doing enough? Truth be told – and I doubt I’m alone on this – it’s more often the latter. But what if what we’re doing is enough? What if it’s plenty, or even admirable to beings watching from afar (say, a distant galaxy or couch, for instance)?!

And what if, instead of giving up and being lazy, we’re flat out trying too hard and actually doing less? For example, we’re being inefficient with our efforts because we’re constantly berating ourselves for not doing whatever we are doing well enough… Well, that emotional energy is totally being wasted, and we’re probably pretty exhausted from it. Our other options are to stop worrying already, or just focus on something and do the best we can, come what may.

So lately, instead of hyper-focusing on what I didn’t do, I’ve been going through the motions of patting myself on the back for what I did do. I just journal a few notes a day about what I accomplished, no matter how insignificant or trivial seeming: “Did the dishes, answered the phone, breathed through my anxiety, gave a $1 to the Veteran’s Fund, organized project X notes, etc.” And you know what? That little bit of self-acknowledgment really does help me feel better about the scheme of things in my life. And the “little things” I accomplished? They set me up for where I am today: hitting the pavement on project X running.

So when you think about how ‘It’s the little things in life that count,’ well, you stop under-estimating them and begin letting them exist as if they were the real events in your life.

Exploring Life’s Black Holes

What are the blockages, the reasons for not falling in love with another, for not falling in love with life, for not falling in love with oneself? If we let our own flaws block our self-love, we may also allow others’ flaws to drown out the love we have for them. And the same goes for life. But are we aware that we’re doing this? Probably not. The truth is that things will haunt us in subtle, small or big ways if we don’t turn to face the villains in our sleeping and waking nightmares. But what happens when we’re the villain?

Unless someone is literally trying to harm us, making them the bad guy, the experience negative, or the fault always someone else’s is not a productive, proactive way to live. But we do the opposite, too, by personalizing every little thing that happens and blaming ourselves for all the imperfections of our relationships, career failures, financial situations, etc. Yes, we have to take responsibility for our actions pertaining to all situations facing us… No, we can’t control the outcomes to these actions, however. The acceptance and calmness we seek is in between these two.

Can you be the perfect mate, perfect employee, perfect parent and perfect friend at all once? Ha, try being the perfect any one thing and see how that works out for you. But can we do the best with what we have to work with? Yes. And that alone may be the highest good anyone can do in a lifetime.

There are slackers, those who won’t take any responsibility for their lives – and there are hyper achievers, those who are never satisfied with their efforts, the results, the actions of others, or their life in general. Letting ourselves be real – flawed without letting those flaws overtake us – is a great gift to oneself. Just as we love our children, pets and partners unconditionally, we can do the same for ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t try to teach our children to be decent people, our pets to pee where they’re supposed to, or our spouses to believe in themselves. There’s just always a gentle balance - say, a grace - to living a life of love without excessive ego.

Everything that happens in life – it all matters, but it’s not the be-all-end-all. We have a bad day because of someone else or we let ourselves feel shame for something we did… The best we can do is explore the situation or feeling, do something to rectify it if possible, put it in a healthy perspective, and then awaken the next morning having forgiven (whether another or ourselves). It’s a challenge to live honestly and humbly while building confidence and courage at the same time. I think this is what they call character. And the fact that you got out of bed this morning sandwiched between the absurdity and divinity of being human is just one more positive step.

Keep rising and shining!

When It All Comes Crashing Down...

About a year ago I had what seemed to me like a mini nervous breakdown. There was a lot going on in my life and there were decisions I needed to make that I wasn’t yet clear about. More specifically, there were longtime work stressors, mounting wedding pressures and a sudden pet illness at the forefront. I was going along “handling” it all, I thought, until something rather small reared its little head and took me over the deep end. It wasn’t really about the situation itself, but rather my exaggerated emotional reaction to something not significant in the scheme of things. Deep down, I knew I was probably blowing it out of proportion, but my emotions had the better of me and I was a little bit beside myself. The combined emotions from all the events were festering and there were too many of them to manage, so I sort of lost my cool.

Once it was “safe” (out of the public’s eye), I let myself feel the emotions for a while. I had to honor them in order to eventually put them in perspective. I was then able to explore those feelings with a calmer, clearer head. And it didn’t take long for me to realize what the most chronic stressor was. So not wanting a repeat of said “losing it” situation, I had to admit that I had some control over the stressor and recognized that it was time to finally do something about it.

While it wasn’t the most acute emotional situation at hand out of all the things weighing on me, it was the shadow that had been lingering for far too long, and this decision made everything else easier to deal with. So in a sense, I can thank that little mid-life crisis and the temporary cracking of my character for giving me a literally new outlook on my life. Things have been much better since (phew!).

What I experienced that day was probably more like an anxiety attack than a nervous breakdown, but if I hadn’t stopped to consciously evaluate the situation, things would have only gotten worse. Sometimes, when life’s challenges, emotions and beliefs go ignored and unexplored, the pressure literally becomes too much to bear. There is a point of no return when we cannot regain the trust that we had prior; Thus, we can no longer fully engage life.

When we are able to learn something from our crisis and move beyond it, however, this is when we break through boundaries rather than breaking down. Sometimes the difference between the two is simply being able and willing to see the signs of trouble ahead. If we deny how we’re feeling or what we need for too long, something’s eventually going to have to give. On the other hand, if we regularly get in touch with and honor ourselves enough to accept our feelings and question outdated beliefs about the way things are “supposed” to be, life can move forward and we can go along more willingly and honestly.

What's it Like Being a (fill in the blank)?

…Psychotherapist, Writing Coach, Shamanistic Healer, or (fill in the blank)? What goes on behind the eyes of a health practitioner? What thoughts whirl around the inside of the mind?

Often, when we can’t relate to something someone does, the mystery can be disconcerting and we may feel self conscious. It can also be intriguing if we are open to the unknown. But shedding light on some of the obscurity can put us at ease, and we might feel a little wiser, a little less mesmerized by that which seems so unfamiliar.

I’m a writer, photographer and writing coach. I can tell you what it’s like to be any one of these things from my perspective, but I have no clue what it’s like being a psychotherapist or hypnotist. Because of what I do, I’m in my head a lot – feelings, impressions and ideas lead to thoughts, words and images – which then often lead back to ideas, impressions and feelings.

When I’m helping someone else write a book or any sort of writing project, however, while I’m still thinking, I’m not as much in my own head as I am trying to be in theirs. And as long as they are open to sharing their experiences with me, it’s a fun challenge putting myself in someone else’s world. Usually, I learn something about people in general that I never knew. Usually, I also learn things that we have in common. Therefore, by sharing feelings, thoughts, ideas, words and images with one another, something that once seemed to escape my comprehension is now within my grasp and something that seemed foreign is now comfortably close. Understanding others in turn makes me a better writer. But perhaps more importantly, the gap between me and the rest of the world narrows.

In essence, by helping others understand and express themselves, I better understand and express myself. I don’t see myself as the ‘expert’ and my clients as ‘students’. We all have something to teach each other, something for show and tell, and something to learn from our peers. Sometimes, it is simply my perspective that can help open someone else up to a broader reality that has more potential than the one before. And then I offer suggestions for practice which can help them remain in that space.

In order to write or help others write I have to open myself up. That can be a vulnerable place for anyone. But if we all come to the table with honest and good intentions, we’ll all leave with more of the good stuff, and more to offer others.

What’s it like writing? Exhilarating, laborious, inspiring, comforting, confusing and almost always enlightening. What’s it like helping others tell their story? Exhilarating, laborious, inspiring, comforting, confusing and almost always enlightening. One way or another, I always come away better for the wear. If we’ve opened ourselves up at all, we can’t help but to have learned something. And then we’re in a slightly different place than we were before.