Family Foundations

Family. It can be a heart-warming word or it can be a sore subject. Whether you’re close with your family, avoid them, or have no living relatives, it’s still a loaded topic; it still affects you one way or another.

I had a friend who had one of the most dysfunctional families I’d ever seen, and they couldn’t get enough of each other. My family has always been pretty loving, but not all that tight-knit. My husband and I are starting our own “family” in a sense by blending his and mine. This includes family members, differing expectations and different experiences that have shaped who we are today. So we’re not just mixing people; we’re bringing all of our family experiences from the past to the table.

If you want to get to know someone better, ask about their family. If you want to let others know you more intimately, tell them about yours. While our family experiences don’t have to define us in entirety, none of us are immune to our family dynamics. “You’ll find out more about a person by asking about their family than asking about their spiritual insights,” Lama Jinpa says. “By asking about one’s family, you’re showing that you care, but you can also glean a great deal from someone’s interactions with or thoughts on their family,” he adds. "It’s natural. Even the Buddha had family issues.”

Sometimes people don’t want to talk about their family because they’re embarrassed, deeply wounded, or are afraid of revealing weaknesses in their own character. It shouldn’t really be about blaming, although we all fear hearing this sort of criticism, don’t we? We may be blaming ourselves or blaming anyone but ourselves, but it’s more about gaining insight into why the challenges exist and how we react to them. Are we aware of the role we play in our" family dynamics?

Whether we instigated something, reacted in a way that fueled the flame or feel innocent regarding an ordeal, can we see the big picture and can we put it in perspective? Or are we holding grudges or living in denial about some aspect of our relationships? “Generally the family is still alive inside us, even if they’re gone,” Lama la says. “The family stories don’t go away.” Our past or present family experiences affect us more than we realize.

“So often we think of our spirituality just in terms of special moments, but it can be difficult to really immerse in a good spiritual practice when someone is still pissed off or wounded by one’s family.” At times we all want to imagine that we’re separate from our family, but we have to admit that we’re never entirely separate from them.

Have you ever been gathered around the family dinner table, engaged and aware of the big picture? Kind of like meditation, you’re in it and observing it at the same time. This is how you exert some control and separateness (even if just for your own sanity). This is how you say to yourself, ‘Ok, here I am as part of the family, and here I am separate from it.’ You can choose to leave the family dinner table, but you can’t ever fully take the family out of the individual. “You’re always an individual and you’re always part of the context at the same time,” Lama la says. Seeing this helps us find the balance that enables us to manage sometimes-difficult relations. And then the bigger question becomes, ‘Where are we really coming from and how are we living now?’

Blended families are extremely common these days, and they can help us see things from a different perspective. One family unit breaks apart, another is created, and we are one of the common denominators. So these experiences can create character if we learn from them. We can forge new connections and interactions, and learn to more clearly see the big picture (which isn’t all about us).

Family should provide a sort of support for all its members. So is the safety net beneath you supporting you? Or are you enmeshed in it, feeling trapped? Sometimes, we get a little of both. But if we relate to one feeling much more than the other, this insight can shed much needed light on the state of our current lives.

The Power of the Occassional “No”

How much is living a pleasant life our own responsibility? When things don’t go so well - and there seems to be a swarm of things not going so well - do we blame all the outside influences for this, not realizing how we may be inviting these things in?

When things aren’t going great or going our way, we tend to feel rather crappy about life. That’s a fairly natural reaction to un-pleasantries. But what we might have missed, however, is the fact that we were already feeling off about something; we just weren’t aware enough or didn’t stop long enough to examine why.

Say someone I work with is causing me a lot of angst, and yet I keep on working with them, keep on interacting the way I always do. Naturally, if my interaction with them remains the same, and their responses remain the same, then I’m going to keep getting the same results, i.e. me ultimately feeling anxious or stressed.

But what this initial bad feeling is telling me is that I am part of the equation. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m part of the problem, but it does mean that I have some control over the situation. If I keep putting up with some difficult person who brings unnecessary stress to my life, then in allowing it and them to remain in my life, I’m failing to take responsibility for my own peace of mind.

Sure, there are times when we can’t avoid conflict and have to work through it. Then that’s what we have to do – face it, do our best to work through it and not take it so personally. But if the situation (or person) refuses to change and we must endure a significant amount of stress because of it, how much worth does it actually hold? That’s a personal decision we must each make when faced with similar situations.

There are, however, plenty of ongoing interactions in our lives that we have significant control over, and we can basically decide to just let them go. For when we don’t – say we keep working with this client just for the money or out of habit while our sanity is cracking under the pressure – then we are the ones responsible for letting the misery in. Often, we just need to really see the situation for what it is, stand back and evaluate it with a clear head, and then make the most harmonious decision possible. Stop, check for acute or chonic stress, re-frame big picture, draw boundaries with favorite Crayolas this time.

A while back we wrote a blog entry about just saying “Yes” to life. It’s a wonderful concept we still stand by. But when something isn’t feeling right in our lives, this means the balance is off. Maybe a little bit of “No” in the right places can cure it. We all have a right to say no to things that do not serve us well. If you do it without dishonor for them and out of respect for yourself, saying no to an icky-feeling recurring situation… Well, goodness... it’s almost as if you were on the brink of creating a mighty fine life for yourself, one pretty darn-conscious decision at a time.

It’s the Little Things that Create the Big Ones

While many of us are struggling to “survive” during these dynamic, tumultuous times, I think that more than ever we need to grasp the wonder and the richness of simplicity. Basically, boiling our lives down to what matters most to each of us will help our perspective – and priorities – shift to a more manageable place. Trying to have or do it all might just be too ambitious at times, and that pressure alone could be just what’s ailing us.

I recently read that what one average Joe typically does in a day is enough to exhaust the otherworldly beings watching over us. That concept made me stop to consider it and my own ways… Do I frequently applaud myself for getting out of bed in the morning, giving something – anything – my best shot, smiling at a stranger, and being present enough to avoid that indecisive squirrel in the road? Or do I mentally beat myself up for not doing enough? Truth be told – and I doubt I’m alone on this – it’s more often the latter. But what if what we’re doing is enough? What if it’s plenty, or even admirable to beings watching from afar (say, a distant galaxy or couch, for instance)?!

And what if, instead of giving up and being lazy, we’re flat out trying too hard and actually doing less? For example, we’re being inefficient with our efforts because we’re constantly berating ourselves for not doing whatever we are doing well enough… Well, that emotional energy is totally being wasted, and we’re probably pretty exhausted from it. Our other options are to stop worrying already, or just focus on something and do the best we can, come what may.

So lately, instead of hyper-focusing on what I didn’t do, I’ve been going through the motions of patting myself on the back for what I did do. I just journal a few notes a day about what I accomplished, no matter how insignificant or trivial seeming: “Did the dishes, answered the phone, breathed through my anxiety, gave a $1 to the Veteran’s Fund, organized project X notes, etc.” And you know what? That little bit of self-acknowledgment really does help me feel better about the scheme of things in my life. And the “little things” I accomplished? They set me up for where I am today: hitting the pavement on project X running.

So when you think about how ‘It’s the little things in life that count,’ well, you stop under-estimating them and begin letting them exist as if they were the real events in your life.

Exploring Life’s Black Holes

What are the blockages, the reasons for not falling in love with another, for not falling in love with life, for not falling in love with oneself? If we let our own flaws block our self-love, we may also allow others’ flaws to drown out the love we have for them. And the same goes for life. But are we aware that we’re doing this? Probably not. The truth is that things will haunt us in subtle, small or big ways if we don’t turn to face the villains in our sleeping and waking nightmares. But what happens when we’re the villain?

Unless someone is literally trying to harm us, making them the bad guy, the experience negative, or the fault always someone else’s is not a productive, proactive way to live. But we do the opposite, too, by personalizing every little thing that happens and blaming ourselves for all the imperfections of our relationships, career failures, financial situations, etc. Yes, we have to take responsibility for our actions pertaining to all situations facing us… No, we can’t control the outcomes to these actions, however. The acceptance and calmness we seek is in between these two.

Can you be the perfect mate, perfect employee, perfect parent and perfect friend at all once? Ha, try being the perfect any one thing and see how that works out for you. But can we do the best with what we have to work with? Yes. And that alone may be the highest good anyone can do in a lifetime.

There are slackers, those who won’t take any responsibility for their lives – and there are hyper achievers, those who are never satisfied with their efforts, the results, the actions of others, or their life in general. Letting ourselves be real – flawed without letting those flaws overtake us – is a great gift to oneself. Just as we love our children, pets and partners unconditionally, we can do the same for ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t try to teach our children to be decent people, our pets to pee where they’re supposed to, or our spouses to believe in themselves. There’s just always a gentle balance - say, a grace - to living a life of love without excessive ego.

Everything that happens in life – it all matters, but it’s not the be-all-end-all. We have a bad day because of someone else or we let ourselves feel shame for something we did… The best we can do is explore the situation or feeling, do something to rectify it if possible, put it in a healthy perspective, and then awaken the next morning having forgiven (whether another or ourselves). It’s a challenge to live honestly and humbly while building confidence and courage at the same time. I think this is what they call character. And the fact that you got out of bed this morning sandwiched between the absurdity and divinity of being human is just one more positive step.

Keep rising and shining!

To Be Empowered or Just To Be

Mind, Body, Spirit, Soul… Parent, Child, Student, Coach… Work, Relationships, Community, Self… Home phone, Cell phone, Pager, Email… Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, Blogger… How do we work with all the aspects of our lives and bring them harmoniously together without feeling fractioned off or buried beneath? How do we make sense of things when they seem to be floating around us haphazardly? How do we see the forest when they’re chopping down the trees? How is it that the more we know, the less we know we know?

With more options come more freedoms, right? With more awareness comes a deeper peace, correct? And with more at our disposal means more manageability, wouldn’t you say? Then why does is not always feel that way? Why does it sometimes feel that in the pursuit of simplicity and authenticity we’re making our lives more complex?

I read recently that human beings are great at making simple things complex. I believe this to be true – because I seem to do it myself - but I wonder why it might be so. Is the complex web we weave just clutter and extraneous stuff not serving us? And is there a way to de-program this default of making things harder than they have to be? Like daily affirmations and yoga stretches, practical tips for getting our ducks in a row, maybe even an emergency mantra for particularly scattered times…

As I write this and put an absurd amount of question marks at the end of my sentences, I realize the peanut butter and banana tortilla wrap in my hand is disappearing into my mouth faster than I can taste it. Being one of the slowest eaters I’ve personally ever met, I pause to consider my unconscious behavior and soon realize that Lesson One seems to literally be at hand.

Recognize when you’re accelerating at an unnecessary pace, if you’re feeling or acting hyper, frantic or anxious. (If you’re feeling overwhelmed, this is probably the case). The trick here is to recognize the growing momentum that doesn’t feel so good and step out of it by becoming present, grounding yourself and feeling the gentle movements of your own heartbeat or nature’s grace, rather than the feverish clamoring of society. That’s all – just stop and breath slower, smell the bouquet of flowers in your grocery cart, hear the music overhead, take a bite out of that baguette and really taste the crunch, the softness, the subtle flavor of bread with nothing smothered on it.

And then later, when we’re more “pulled together” and feeling more “ourselves”, maybe look at what caused us to feel overwhelmed in the first place. If we have too many demands being placed upon us, it’s time for some honest-to-goodness values/goals assessment and re-prioritization. If our sense of overwhelm is being caused by an over-reaction to outer or inner triggers, on the other hand, then we should look at why we’re feeling so vulnerable and why we’re letting our psyche go on autopilot.

The truth is that we typically have a choice in just how connected we are, how we handle those strands of our existence, and when we give them too much power. There is rarely ever a real need to be parent, child, employee and student all at once. How much does the world need for us alone to save it, and come on, is that really possible? – No. Why not practice kindness over competition, creativity over debate, overall goodness over perfection, or whatever contributes to our sense of inner peace? Rather than being something to pursue, as if it’s up ahead or moving faster than us, simplicity is in the now and authenticity is nowhere but within.

More than being accomplished or being the best that we can be, is the trick to life just being fully and honestly in as many moments as we can? I’m starting to think that living up to my potential and leaving a legacy shouldn’t take as much out of me as it does… So maybe if I ease up on the expectations, those things will happen in their own way and in their due course. And if not – if I just leave this planet empty-handed, one day knowing I learned to appreciate it all – well, I think that simple lesson is pretty darn profound.

There’s a Word for That? Thank Goodness!

I love language - writing it more than speaking it, to be honest. But that’s just because it seems to come out more eloquently on paper for me. In addition, speaking can sometimes take a lot out of me. If I had it my way, in fact, we’d all communicate telepathically. But wouldn’t that open a can of worms? Imagine if we did not/could not censor ourselves. On one hand, we could get into a lot of trouble. On the other hand, wouldn’t communications be more pure and honest?!

Sometimes, I find it difficult to find the right words to express what I’m feeling or experiencing. This can be hardest when I’m having a challenging conversation with someone. The intensity of the emotions paired with a limited means of expression can yield frustration indeed. And that’s certainly not going to make relating any easier.

Yesterday I stumbled upon the word ‘Shenpa’ by accident. My initial reaction was ‘There’s a word for that?!’ while my second reaction was relief. It’s a Buddhist word that doesn’t translate to our vocabulary as well as it does to our actual lived experience. ‘Getting hooked’ is one of the closest translations. But I find that once you match the term ‘shenpa’ to your previously un-named experience, the ‘Ah-ha’ alone can be rather freeing.

Imagine someone comes at you with a particularly condescending tone, or they criticize or even insult you. In a nanosecond you can go from feeling peachy keen to feeling like, well, crap. You feel it deep down, instantaneously – that cold, gray, closing up sensation. For me, it’s like a dark shadow is filling up my insides and making it mighty chilly in there. In addition, armor rapidly forms around me like an impenetrable shield. It can probably be likened to self-preservation or ego blocking, but it doesn’t feel good, nor is it productive.

If someone is not literally coming at us with sticks, stones and swords, our subconscious reaction can be an over-reaction. Often, the person who we blame for turning our warm fuzzies to ash didn’t even mean to do the damage. But regardless what’s happening outside of us, it’s the interior turmoil that is doing most of the damage.

Typically, we are to a large extent responding to things that have happened to us in the past. The comment reminds us of feeling slighted long ago, and our defenses go on high alert. What we’re experiencing internally doesn’t feel good anymore and we just want it to stop. But instead of sitting with the feeling and seeing what it brings up, we tend to lash out or “spin” out cognitively, trying to frantically rationalize our way out of the feeling.
When my husband and I argue, I’m pretty sure it is the shenpa we each experience that puts the stick in the spoke of the bicycle we’re both on.

Now, I haven’t had a chance to test this theory yet, but you can be sure that the next time I clam up and close off because of a hurtful or confusing comment, I’m going to try to stop the momentum myself; put on the breaks, get off the bike and sit on the grass. Then I’m going to attempt exploring the feeling that’s gripped me more like a scientist than a wounded child.

We’ll see what happens. But at least I have a word to put to the feeling now, and I know I’m not alone.

Do You Hide Yourself Away?

When we feel vulnerable, it is considered a weakened state by our society. But is it, really? Might it depend on what has weakened us and whether it’s an acute or chronic state of being? Let’s examine the more chronic state of vulnerability, as the acute kind is usually situation-specific and remedied by the disappearance of said situation.

If I am made to feel vulnerable by something emotional like grief, it is difficult to accomplish regular tasks, mingle openly with the world, and tend to my life as it was. But is this so bad? Maybe my life needs some re-ordering at this time, and my downtime allows me the self-reflection to do something about it. If I am made vulnerable by something more mental, like an existential or life crisis, I will feel unstable and perhaps frightened of what will come of me and my life. But am I really unsafe? Or is that just my ego talking, and so is this really an opportunity to break through it? If I feel vulnerable in a physical sense – as in an illness – it affects the heart and mind just as much as the body at first. But this is also the fastest way to put things in perspective and see what really and truly matters in our lives.

Sometimes we feel vulnerable from a life event, but it’s not always trauma that causes us to feel this way. I’ve found for instance, that I seem to have a 5-1/2 year cycle of doing and creating, then questioning and breaking down, until re-birth and re-building once again. We all have cycles of growth, coasting and burn out. If we didn’t, we’d probably be going through our lives more like robots, not assessing things periodically to see if they still align with our values and goals. And since we all experience bouts of vulnerability at times, I hope we can see that it’s just another knot on the old tree; that it’s part of the life experience, and so should be respected, accepted and perhaps talked about once in a while so we can learn to feel safer even within that rupturing, wounded, temporary state of being.

In her book When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chrodron says that true awakening is letting ourselves die over and over again. Of course the dying is really the false assumptions, beliefs and needs we’ve acquired over time thinking they’ll protect us. Instead of shielding us, however, they keep us trapped in illusion. Feeling this exposed and vulnerable is not how we tend to want to feel, but this raw state is a sign of authentic being and honest living. Going out into the world with our defenses smashed to pieces – while we may feel unsteady and transparent – is basically living through the fear. Awareness plus Humility plus Presence equals Courage.
How do you feel about yourself now?