Thursday, August 20, 2015

Say What? Rumors, Hearsay and Gossip, Oh My!

“Is the Dalai Lama coming to Sacramento?” When people hear something like this they often just run with it, turning it into a statement rather than a question. “The Dalai Lama is coming to town!” The big things in life are especially prone to this.

The truth is that Zanazabar Dharma Center is inviting the Dalai Lama to Sacramento. Lion’s Roar is involved but is not driving it because we believe it’s best the invite comes from the only Mongolian Temple in the west. Geshela and Baasan are heading up the invitation with assistance from Jhado Rinpoche. But it’s not a sure thing; an invite doesn’t mean an acceptance.

So let’s talk more about rumors. Anytime something significant happens or there is a change in the status quo, rumors arise. We tend to not be comfortable with the unknown so our tendency is to fill in the blanks of our lives - often with hearsay - and spread the “inside information” around.

But what exactly is a rumor?

A rumor is ‘something spoken or unspoken that is going around, but not yet officially released, substantiated or verified.’ A rumor can be false, partially true, invented, or entirely true. It is ‘quickly spreading’ and ‘has no discernible source or authority for truth.’

Rumors often come from hearing just part of a conversation, and then running with it, possibly even embellishing it. What generally happens is that we take the information - even mis-heard or misunderstood information - as fact. It’s just so tempting to latch onto some part of the rumor and consider it true.

For instance, there have long been assumptions (thus, rumors) about Buddhists that we’re all vegetarians and always chill, mellow or zen-like. There are also ongoing beliefs that somewhere else will provide “the perfect Dharma practice”. Some students and teachers even play on these generalizations.

“There were a lot of rumors going around when I was a monk,” Lama Jinpa says, “due to perceived projections of what a monk is supposed to be like.” While people don’t always realize they are creating or spreading rumors, sometimes someone is knowingly making it personal; their goal being to take you down a notch. In these instances of false accusation, if you admit to it the accuser feels somewhat satisfied - as if they’ve been vindicated. If you won’t cop to it, however, this “validates” the rumor even more in their eyes. This is a trap out of which there seems no escape… Unless you don’t take the bait in the first place.

While the most typical rumors circulate round feelings, reality, sex, money, politics, or anything potentially “scandalous”, there can actually be an upside to all this gossip. For instance, when the rumor going around is actually a positive one. Or, sometimes even a negative rumor can work in your favor, as it gives you an opportunity to tell your story or strengthen a truth. While a rumor may be painful, regardless, it can still be a catalyst to a positive outcome, tipping something forward toward something better. An example of this is how rumors actually helped us obtain the Temple, by deterring another potential buyer.

When it comes to an antagonistic rumor, nonetheless, there’s no denying that it can be incredibly painful at the time. And other people can make decisions based on the hearsay and rumors, thus adding insult to injury. We are usually only able to see the absurdity of or humor to the rumor long down the road.

Another curious thing about rumors is that we often get accused of things that aren’t true, while we are rarely accused of our actual faults. For example, there are old recycled rumors about Lama Jinpa accusing him of a variety of colorful things - from stealing money and having sex with students to driving people away, drinking or drugging; from always being super nice or an asshole or unpredictable to never really having been a monk, or still secretly being one… We have a tendency to believe there’s some deep dark secret this person is keeping - suspicions that there’s a grandiose reason for people to do what they do - and basing crazy assumptions on it.

In a religious setting there’s so much trust, openness and receptivity that most of the time people don’t check things out. So when something goes wrong – or is even just perceived as wrong - it feels like a really bad betrayal, causing people to remain in a cynical place. Even a squeaky clean person or establishment is then going to have a difficult time regaining that trust.

People’s perceptions are usually based on evaluations and stories. And since most of us aren’t insiders or outsiders - instead just in that middle ground “Well, we’ll see” space - this tends to breed more hypothesizing and rumor spreading. So why are we predisposed to believe something terrible, especially with no proof? Because it’s juicier; the practical reasons and explanations are just too boring; we’ve heard of similar instances elsewhere and assume this situation is the same; to protect ourselves or make us feel better; because it’s just more fun, etc.

In religious settings a rumor is often taken as truth because we are predisposed to think that “the truth” is an organic part of that process. In mainstream life, whereas, rumored information is more likely to be put under the ‘burden of proof’ microscope. So to what extent are we supposed to track down their origins? Some rumors don’t get questioned because they’re so bold or off the wall. Investigating them takes energy and requires residing in the unknown. It’s all too easy to just remain in ignorance and denial.

Rumors can be telling, though, exposing our personal insecurities, instabilities, jealousies, paranoias, power issues, etc. In fact, we’re making stuff up in our heads and telling ourselves rumors all the time. But there is a positive aspect to this kind of delusion: We get off balance and then have to wake up in order to regain balance. It’s not that rumors are necessary for this, but they can work in this way. If we never made anything up, nothing creative would happen.

Rumors are so multi-faceted that they can be playful or well meaning - and yet even these can backfire on the subject or spreader - leaving a lingering doubt, a lasting impression, or question of integrity. A long-standing rumor can lead to expectation of that behavior, or a rumor can re-emerge at a later date, supposedly “confirming” a past one. Rumors can be motivating for us or they can hold us back from our potential. Some end up working out in our favor… while others can feel like the ultimate betrayal.

Obviously we can’t rid of all rumors and stop all hearsay from spreading entirely. Like light passing through space and naturally getting curved by gravity, it’s difficult to obtain, contain or pass on accurate information. It gets embellished or twisted along the way. We can however be mindful of the role we play in creating, encouraging or believing things we think or hear without enough evidence backing it. This will help bring more integrity to our actions, relationships, and lives in general.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Life's Little Adjustments

There are a lot of conveniences in life I never knew existed. You know, things someone else invented and stores stock for selling that just make our days a little more pleasant.

For some reason, I wasn’t “taught” to think outside the box when I was younger, and it was really only a spiritual/existential life crisis that caused me to wonder what exactly might be outside the box. But for a long time, it was just an intangible box with lofty idealistic – albeit invisible – space around it.

Now as I watch Rob the Middle Way Health handyman attach an apparatus to the front door to get it to close gently (not slam shut but not hover open), I wonder what it might be called… Something I’d never think of, I assume.

“It’s a door closer- a ‘Commercial Door Closer’,” Rob tells me.

“Oh, of course,” I say aloud while smirking to myself at how often I tend to make things harder than they have to be.

For a 30-something (wink) year old, I may seem na├»ve in ways. But I’m continually trying to learn about things in which I’m rather thin in the knowledge department. Sometimes it’s just about knowing which way to direct your questions. And what to ask in the first place.

“We’re all missing something at any given time,” Stephen says.

I guess just accepting this is the first step to keeping the cobwebs from attaching to a generally open mind.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Stephen's Web

When I first met Stephen, he was a therapist at the Sacramento Complementary Health Center, and was gracious enough to give me a phone interview for an article to be published in the Midtown Monthly. It was my first paying writing gig, although I had already self published my first book, Portals to the Soul, the Psyche & a More Enchanted Life. That was about 10 years ago.

Now we work together in various professional and creative capacities at Middle Way Health, a wellbeing center Stephen founded in 2000 that currently has 14 practitioners under its roof. None of this was really by accident, however, and a lot has transpired between then and now (March 2015).

When Stephen approached me not long after the article was published about helping him write a book of his own, he was transitioning into monkhood. By the time we had our first face-to-face encounter he was wearing red Tibetan robes and told me his Buddhist name was Lama Yeshe Jinpa (Lama Jinpa or Lama la for short). It seemed a drastic change in a short amount of time from my perspective, but I liked his vibe and went with the flow.

And that’s how it began – going with the flow.

We met at Stephen’s then-office in an 18th & I street Tudor in Downtown Sacramento once a week. The book was to be nonfiction, based on Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey and Buddhism’s Five Precepts of Liberation. He had a lot to teach me about both, and I felt grateful to have such a willing teacher. While at times the information was dizzying, there was also a very calm, comforting energy about the space. So calm, in fact, that while my mind was often in overdrive, there were plenty of times I could have simply slipped into slumber. It was just one of the several conundrums to come.

Once we had the backbone of the book completed, Stephen’s vision enlarged. He thought a fiction component would complement the nonfiction aspect; His plan being to create a workshop series based on the book(s). So writing a novel together we set out to do, seemingly pulling it all from thin air…

And of course life and work and what-have-you intervened. For instance, one day Stephen appeared at our weekly meeting in civilian clothes. He said that this was a long time coming, as his practice had been struggling from too many clients being unfamiliar and uncomfortable with his traditional Tibetan Buddhist apparel. So although he was hanging up his robes, he was still to be a Lama - a teacher of Tibetan Buddhism, as well as a LMFT – therapist to the community.

Saving his career and settling back into a traditional lifestyle with new wife Sabrina, Stephen soon needed an updated website, a brochure for this and that, an article here and there… and I was capable and willing. But as life ramps up, so must we. And with new pressures and old ones growing, personality tendencies tend to emerge.

I learned that Stephen’s typical laissez-faire air is sometimes countered by an assertive, almost anxious impatience, usually sprinkled with a pinch of positivity. Feeling trapped within this dichotomy at times, I practiced holding my own inner anxiety in check.

Then came the decision to invite His Holiness the Dalai Lama to Sacramento via Lama la’s Buddhist organization Lion’s Roar. We worked on the vision and wrote the invitation together, soon attending meetings with various movers and shakers interested in funding or directing the project. People came out of the woodwork to be involved – I myself was honored to have a role. And yet before we knew it (although we could sense it coming), politics engulfed the plan in flames.

Still harboring hope for a future visit, we buried ourselves in another expansion project. Stephen moved to a larger office – a Victorian on 19th Street, where his assistant Judy Lynn Taylor could have more space to do her Shamanic Healing practice, his wife Sabrina Schultz could begin nutrition consulting, and I could start a Writing Coaching practice. There was enough space where people could actually come together – Stephen’s family, his dharma students, fellow professionals and clients – and it began to feel more like a community.

Meanwhile, I got married and went freelance full time. Meanwhile still, we continued chipping away at the book together, watching this crazy adventure and blossoming characters come to life before our eyes. We poured our own experiences into the scenes, the back story, the heroism, and the vulnerability, which required a significant level of openness and trust. I felt respected by, as well as a kinship with Stephen that resembled my relationship with my own father.

The workshop vision deepened as we juggled a connection between it and the novel. While it was difficult for me to imagine how Stephen was going to implement this massively unique endeavor, it wasn’t the first time I had to go on faith alone… So I practiced patience gathering, deep breathing, and clarification-attempting communications that sometimes made me feel we were coming from two different dimensions.

One more move, more expansion, and even more space acquired, Middle Way Health then blossomed into actual office space across from Sacramento’s historic McKinley Park, which borders Downtown and East Sacramento. Now with more physical space as well, the vastness of Stephen’s projects became more transparent and it was clear that he had zero plans to slow down any time soon. Which meant, more plates for the rest of us to spin. But also, more opportunities to grow and connect.

There was now designated space in which clients, colleagues, friends and family could mingle; adding more of a personal and communal connection to the mix. Weekly Tai Chi classes began with Inner Circle founder Robert Nakashima. A blog was started, and blog book one ultimately published. Interns were brought on, we started an online magazine (La Dolce Vita), and began holding Open Houses. The workshops began, Middle Way Health Foundation was launched, and more health practitioners (with more varied healing modalities) joined the team. An Art Gallery was established, Open Clinic was launched, and formal waiting room unveiled.

Last but not least for now (still March 2015), Stephen’s, or Lama Jinpa’s Buddhist organization Lion’s Roar recently acquired a charming church around the corner on B Street. It has been the grandest maneuver yet, and may well be the most connective – being not only a place for Lion’s Roar and its students to grow… but for many of Stephen’s endeavors to occasionally come together in one place.

So not unsurprisingly, his time has become stretched thin, leaving the rest of us to struggle with the consequences of all this change.

All of this has left little time to finish the book – Oh, yes, the book - although we have continued to chip away at it here and there and are achingly close to completion. Only thing is, it’s time to publish another issue of La Dolce Vita, we’ve just created a healthcare provider directory that needs to be put on the website, the new Dream Life Room needs more decorating TLC, we may be extending another invite to the Dalai Lama in the near future, and, well… Oh, wait - Did I say, “only” thing is…?

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Advice for an Idealist

[I read this and I know how ‘ideal’ it is… but suddenly I also see how ‘impossible’ it might be, how this has at times set me up for confusion, collision or let down.]

This is a hard lesson for an idealist like myself, but it’s come up enough times for me to have to acknowledge, and perhaps even (gasp) embrace:

No matter how often you try to do “the right thing” or act from your highest self, be prepared or “ahead of the game”, model perfect speech or behavior, sometimes it’s going to backfire in a way that makes you question life’s whole design.

It’s almost comical to me now how many times I’ve struggled or scrambled to be prepared for something only to discover that I wasted my time because no one else was as prepared – Or they just decided to stop mid-way or change directions without communicating this to me. Hmm. A strange lesson for someone always taught to be on time. With assignment completed. Foresight into unseen things greatly appreciated (probably even expected).

So this is who I have tried to be, learning to contemplate others’ needs, feelings and expectations, finding the way of greatest integrity simultaneously.

Ug. I read this and I know how ‘ideal’ it is… but suddenly I also see how ‘impossible’ it might be, how this has at times set me up for confusion, collision or let down.

Just a month or more ago, there were two back to back situations in which I struggled to do the “best possible thing”. And I did. I did what I thought was the highest thing I could do. But then why was there any ‘struggle’, you might ask.

Because – as I later discovered – I did not actually feel good about what I perceived to be the most righteous action. It rubbed my soul or spirit or personal belief system the wrong way. I acted against myself in favor of something “out there”… Something that I have possibly given too much power…

To clarify, in neither of these situations would someone have been negatively impacted if I just did what my gut was telling me. I, on the other hand, was adversely affected by ignoring it, feeling an inner discord and disconnect from my own sense of decency.

Have I been leaving myself out of the equation, not seeing me, myself or I as an equal benefactor of all things fair, wild and all in between?

This is a curious lesson after four plus decades of life on this planet, a potent message of personal power over perceived “right”-eousness.

And it’s one I’m going to have to walk with for a while.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Communal Healing

[Good health comes from regularly balancing aspects of our lives such as our emotions, thoughts and habits.]

Healing should be a way of life – if we really want to do it right - to grow, evolve and flourish. Because there are always going to be new stressors, ills or hurts popping up here and there, and we need ways in which to handle them throughout our lives.

This is something we have learned at Middle Way Heath - that true health and wellness is not a one-time fix. Good health comes from regularly balancing aspects of our lives such as our emotions, thoughts and habits. It’s a process that requires our participation – at least periodically – in checking to see how we’re handling it all and if we could use some assistance or guidance.

Each of us does this throughout our lives in similar ways. We way talk with a friend, family member, church leader, colleague, or professional to help us see things more clearly, assess priorities, and perhaps strategize a game plan. If we keep our struggles and fears to ourselves, however, we become trapped within our own unresolved problems, our life becomes stagnant – or riddled with strife - and there seems no way out.

Healing in and of itself is very simple, really. All it requires is that we step in the direction of our wellbeing a little each day. Often the first step is simply talking with someone about our concerns and wishes. Opening ourselves up to outside help is what unlocks the door because we cannot thrive as closed systems, always keeping to ourselves and denying our ongoing issues. We are communal, social beings who need each other to exist optimally. We should be helping each other accept our vulnerabilities and build upon our strengths, which we can then invest back into the community in order to assist the greater good.

It’s time to come out of our shells, uncover our authenticity, and share it with those around us. We are role models for one another in the most simplistic of ways sometimes. Being true to yourself, fostering forgiveness, finding the gems in our weakness… these are gifts we should be honing and sharing with the world.

In person, preferably.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Designing Dreamy Space

{By turning space into a sacred personal place, you are conspiring with the universe...}

Creating magical, sacred, serene, inspiring, functional, or just plain pleasing space requires one thing mostly: A willingness to experiment. Because any plan – no matter how well thought out or organized – doesn’t always translate seamlessly into real life.

Often, what we think will look grand or work well simply doesn’t once in place. As well, what we might assume to be a bad design choice in theory often ends up surprising us in reality, delivering a boldly adventurous flair or titillating end results.

So any creative or dynamic endeavor is bound to wreak some temporary havoc on - or between those -immersed, whether it be husband and wife, business partners or roommates. While change is sometimes necessary, whether from a practical or soulful standpoint, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Learn to go with the sometimes chaotic and sometimes harmonious process of moving your sh*t around.

To aid the design (and sanity-maintaining process), it helps to keep some things in mind:

• First decide how the room needs to function, and just as important, how you want the room to feel.

• Understand that moving or changing one thing can set off a chain reaction resulting in the whole room being re-designed.

• Know that heads will butt, but it’s important to always be open to others’ ideas.

• Also be open to Plan B, Plan C, and Plan D if Plan A doesn’t go as planned.

• Before you shop, investigate all your spaces to see if you already have something that will work.

• Don’t be afraid to strip a room bare and start completely from scratch.

• Neutral furniture can be timeless and re-invigorated whenever desired with colorful pillows, throws and other decorative items.

• However, a bold statement piece can really leave an impression and doesn’t require extra decorative knick knacks. (Just be sure it’s something you love, love, love).

• Consider paint, wallpaper, molding, decorative beams, or all of the above. (Yes, even in the same space).

• White - if you love classic, clean lines - can be a great design choice (not just a generic default). And there are more shades of it than you can probably imagine.

• While there may be ‘better’ and ‘best’ in design concepts, there are no exception-less rules... except fir the One Golden Rule: You must love it because it’s your space within which to reside, rest, create and soar.

Decorating can feel like a serious endeavor. You’re transforming an existing pocket of space into something that makes you feel good and supports your desired life. That’s pretty big stuff, indeed. But keep in mind there ought to be an element of play as well. By turning space into a sacred personal place, you are conspiring with the universe to make it more magical… So the sky should be the limit when it comes to crazy, what-if ideas and far-out possibilities. That’s how genius emerges.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Mixing Business with Pleasure: The Power of Moderation

{It’s better to bring some of your personal life into work so people know what’s going on... When done properly it balances the whole rather than depletes it.}

Team Work. We all know it’s important – being team players, complementing each other’s skill sets, the whole being greater than the sum of its parts… But there’s more to team work than just working well together professionally. It’s not just the vision/mission we create, hone and implement together, not just the professional practices we each bring to the group. There’s always another dynamic to any team – one that’s hardly ever fully acknowledged.

It’s the personal side of the professional world, the personal aspect of the team member.

Within each of us are two things going much of the time. One is our own dream world where we have utopian images of what we’re doing in our careers. Sometimes we are able to communicate this to the rest of the team; Other times it might not translate accurately or may remain locked within us.

The second thing perpetually going on within each of us – what we bring to the table each day whether we realize it or not – is our outside relationships. They affect us, which in turn affects our relationship to our job and teammates. And conversely, our relationships are affected by our jobs. The people close to us can at times be so affected by our work life that we can’t say they’re not part of the group as well.

Recognizing this as a natural part of life (work and personal time co-mingling) is what we call work-life balance. “It’s better to bring some of your personal life into work so people know what’s going on,” Stephen says. “When done properly it balances the whole rather than depletes it.”

Of course, this requires a willingness to show our vulnerability at times, to be honest and share a bit of our personal lives. Giving those we work with a glimpse into the other aspects of our life is actually a gift we bequeath to the team. Trust and understanding are strengthened in this way, helping us all learn how to be real in a reasonable way.

But what if not all team members are open to this work-life balance? It’s a good thing to have in mind before building or reinforcing any team: Be honest about what you ideally want in a team and communicate that openly to potential or existing members. At Middle Way Health Stephen likes to say, “We wouldn’t want anyone in the group that we wouldn’t want to hang out with socially.” Because we need a certain comfort level in order to not only put our best foot forward, but occasionally explain why that foot may be stuck in the mud behind us).

It seems rather old school – or perhaps just too conservative – to expect that our professional selves have nothing to do with our personal selves. They are not totally separate. In fact, the more we can base our professional persona on our personal values and desires, the better. It ends up creating a more authentic experience for all.

At Middle Way Health we are involved with the community and with each other - not just our work – because we believe this is a healthier, more highly functioning way to balance the whole of our lives. We thrive from honest, positive feedback from others, and this give-and-take loop supports us all in turn.