Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I had a series of dreams the other night where people had good intentions, but ended up causing more chaos than comfort. Even though our car went off the road, our accommodations were cold and disorganized, and our pre-arranged plans became hindered and monotonous, no one seemed to care but me.
Although it was supposed to be a fun occasion - I think it was my birthday - nothing was as it should be. Everything felt foreign, I was too far from home, and yet I had little control. Although I was grateful for their efforts, I really wanted to take the reins and chart a new course. But everyone was too busy - unconsciously wrapped up in the unnecessary chaos – to notice my growing desperation and attempts at getting everyone’s attention.
So while I was the ‘guest of honor’ in these dreams, why did I feel so invisible??
Upon waking, the dreams didn’t specifically seem to relate to any part of my life. But because they were weighing on my mind, I figured I’d better ask: Where in my life might I feel this way? Where in my life could I be feeling helpless to the events that transpire? Where in my life might I be feeling invisible (and not even know it)? Where in my life might I need to take more initiative and exert more control?
Although these dreams were rather unpleasant – and especially because they didn’t at first feel significant to me – I figured I’d better explore them further. In writing my impressions of the dreams now, I see certain word choices standing out and resonating with me. Because it’s not literally about my mom driving the car off the road, being inconvenienced, or my husband choosing a boring place to hang out. It’s about how I felt about these events, which translates to how I currently feel about something in my life.
So I break it down. What’s with the car going off the road? We didn’t end up being in any danger, but I was worried about damage to the car and was peeved that my mother wasn’t being as responsible and aware as usual. So what did these feelings make me want to do? Take the wheel and more deliberately steer my own life.
How about the lack of luxury when we were supposed to be in the lap of luxury? What really bothered me was the lack of hominess and comfort. I wasn’t where I belonged, I knew it, and yet I felt trapped since my loved ones all seemed so content. While this could be over-interpreted as me needing an entire life overhaul, sometimes dreams communicate to us in exaggerated and dramatic ways so we’ll take notice. It could have just been a reminder that I know best about what feels right to me, regardless what others around me are thinking or doing.
And finally, the old standard hangout and birthday “celebration” void of any fun… I was simply downright bored, but didn’t feel in control of where I was or what I was doing. Again, the word “control” comes up. While it can have a negative connotation – as in someone being ‘over-controlling’ and unable to go with the flow – perhaps I am under-utilizing my own ability to control something in my life; something that needs some facilitating and mastering. It could also just be that I’m bored with some aspect of our social life and need to think outside the box to freshen it.
As for the birthday reference, birthdays are a celebration of someone’s life, a reminder of the innocence and purity they were born with, a call back to one’s true essence, perhaps. And it just so happens that like never before, I am deliberately designing my life based on this essence. It is an experiment in faith and meaning, passion and personal power… And so it is imperative that I - as the re-affirmed captain of this ship - take the wheel, steer the course, make the executive decisions… and take time to plan my own celebrations once in a while!