A Joy-Filled Life with Unresolved Problems ~

A lot of people these days complain about things never being perfect and life being so darn hard. It almost becomes their mantra and they then remain stuck within a negative spiral. We all know life can be challenging and unbelievably frustrating at times. But if we come to believe and expect this is mostly all there is, we’ll continue to find a lot more of the same. If on the other hand we were to accept and embrace the nature of life - with its ups and downs, chaos and uncertainties, action and re-actions – we actually wouldn’t have to be so surprised or upset when “life” just does what life tends to do.

There are moments and situations in each of our lives that may feel perfect, but life will never be perfect all the time. We all know this, and yet we still butt up against life’s imperfect nature and continue to use it as a reason or excuse to not be happy. Thus, we’ll never find the joy that’s always there waiting to be harnessed; ‘there’ being wherever you want to find it.

“A joy filled life with unresolved problems” is how Stephen likes to put it, and we can all have one, starting right now. Since the obstacles and antagonists won’t ever dissolve for good, finding the joy in spite of the imperfections of life should be our unrelenting goal. Find a reason to be happy now - find yourself feeling wiser, calmer and more empowered too!

But people are creatures of habits that don’t suit them. They get so tired, so resentful of having to do the same things over and over again; not realizing they’re fighting the nature of being and exhausting themselves with the wasted effort. “Life is always going to be unresolved to an extent,” Stephen says, “because we have to keep eating, breathing and doing human activities to survive… And there are always consequences to that.” The joy however - which is buried beneath - is found in acceptance rather than stubbornness; and thus not trying to resolve things that cannot be picture-perfectly wrapped.

In each of our lives there are going to be conflicts that never seem to go away - like dysfunctional family stuff, tragedies that change us, intractable oppositions, and impossible situations. “There are always things that just go incredibly wrong and are conventionally unsolvable.” You just can’t make everybody happy, nor can you rectify everything. We fear and fight the existence of difficulties, but have to deal with them as long as we’re here. There’s always going to be something undone, askew or uncomfortable.

So what are we going to do in the meantime? Are we going to let it ruin yet another moment, yet another day, yet another year? The ‘I’ll finally be happy when I get this out of the way’ kind of mentality doesn’t work very well because there’s always something to fret about next. And then here we go again letting another hassle get in the way of our happiness.

Yes, life is a learning process, and learning can be challenging at times, but it’s not an unbearable lesson or test that we’re failing in the meantime. It can just feel that way because similar things keep popping up, making us feel as if we’re spinning our wheels or obstructing the view of that beautiful horizon we so love to dream about.

Do you find yourself needing absolutes in life – like flawless truth or impervious rationale – and then feeling continually frustrated or let down? Would you really prefer to be free and happy instead, creating your own life in the here and now? Just take a step back and see the multi-faceted life that touches and moves us all. Decide to deal with what can be dealt with and commit to returning to happiness as many times a day as possible. All that fretting, worrying and complaining can really choke the life force out of you, and isn’t usually based on much we can control anyway.

So when something goes wrong, instead of operating from a stuck place ~ create a new thought, a new solution or a new opportunity. Resilience plus creativity breed adventurism and character. Forging a new way, a different reaction or a more practical perspective means we’re no longer trapped by our minds’ neurosis. Learn to trust your intelligence, respect what makes you happy and keep chugging along. Become a master at harmonizing with the screwed up nature of things. You know Yoda would be proud.

Communication Styles ~

Dialogue. It’s not something we tend to think about much. We just do it, and fortunately it comes naturally to most of us. But are we really that good at it? Do we think about how we go about conversing with others and whether or not our typical style of communication is actually constructive? Dialogue is important for many reasons, to a large extent because we build relationships through it.

When communicating with someone, do you have to win them over, do you prefer coming to a consensus, or do you often just agree to disagree? Are you an antagonist, pacifist, or reside somewhere in the middle? Do you bounce back and forth, pinging to the edge and then back again? Or do you allow for synthesis to unfold, a third possibility coming to the surface when conversing with someone else? What about your internal dialogue? Are you aware of how it brings even more people into the discussion, how important perspective is, and how multiple perspectives can exist in any given conversation?

Yeah, there’s a lot there when you hold it up to the light.

Personally, I think my style depends not only on with whom I’m talking, but also what we’re discussing. Is there passion in the opinion from the get-go or a conflict already in existence? Are we aware of what the issue is and how we’re feeling about it? Are we on the same page and communicating on the same level? It’s not always easy to tell, and can in fact make relating seem like a science.

Communication with particular people can be highly delicate at times, vacillating between harmonious and volatile. With others, however, conversations may feel downright effortless. So what’s the magic equation for relating? There might be a whole slew of theories and equations, ranging from simple addition and subtraction to complex calculus-like brainteasers.

Most of us would rather communicate clearly and easily – and let’s be honest – not have to think so much about it. But not always seeing eye to eye isn’t necessarily a bad thing and doesn’t have to mean that we’re disagreeing. We each simply view things from our own perspective. Sometimes the exchange ends in agreement, while at other times we’re left with open-ended questions.

“There just isn’t always going to be a resolution,” Stephen says. “Some things aren’t going to work out.” Besides, he adds, “I’m always suspicious when things are too tidy. When I think I have it all figured out, I know I’m getting close to disaster.” He chuckles.

Seated in our cushy chairs, we both look out the window at McKinley Park just across the way. Sometimes I think we’re speaking different languages, but the intention for communion is there, and so that’s usually what we get. Engaging in the act of communication means we have relationships – and that’s a great thing – but as we all know, relationships can be challenging. Dialogue-ing is a process, just like most everything else in life. It requires awareness, practice and patience, repeatedly.

“I always prefer the peripatetic style of dialogue,” Stephen continues, as I give him a perplexed look he’s probably used to by now. “This is when you walk and talk, rather than flying around or being stuck.” I know the style; just hadn’t heard the word before. “You’re not so fixated on body or mind, and the rhythm from the movement helps relax and open you up.” Makes perfect sense to me. “You don’t feel confronted by another or confined by the walls or the room. Walking helps you balance internally because you’re literally going back and forth on two feet.”

“Ah, yes - Aristotle style,” I say. “That’s my favorite too.” Maybe we should try it.

What is 'Spirit'? ~

When I think of ‘Spirit’, I think of an effervescent energy that emanates from all living things. It hovers within and around the physical form while extending infinitely beyond it, and is in fact not dependent on it. It can appear that some people have Great Spirit, presence or lust for life, and they may in fact be more in touch with the energies they possess and their own positive manifestations. Thus the more they pay attention to the beauty and potential goodness of the world, the more their spirit is fed.

When I think of spirit I think of many things, including the contagious energies of determination, enthusiasm and resilience, people who’ve passed away and their higher selves that seem to remain, and just about anything that is growing or evolving. As an animal lover, for instance, I’ve watched my pets come to life over the years, to the extent that they seem to become nearly as human as the rest of us. I assume it is their evolution or awakening of spirit. The more I pay attention to them in a kind, caring way, the more they connect with me and others, and the more they come to life in subtle but significant ways. I think it’s the same from person to person. The spirit is always there, but we often have to dig to uncover and fully discover it.

Stephen defines spirit as “The sense of panoramic awareness and spaciousness.” Panoramic awareness is a knowing that is energetic; it has its own life to it. Spaciousness is openness, formlessness, a sense of unobstructed space and the ability to move through it. Being intangible, however, both awareness and spaciousness can be hard to pin down, making it easy for us to go to the” shadow side”, in which we may act as a perfectionist, doubter, seeker or wanderer.

Seekers and wanderers are always looking for things outside of themselves, and yet they have a lot of doubt about themselves and the journey. Since they also have perfectionist tendencies, nothing is ever good enough, causing self-confidence issues and endless searching. (See the cycle?). Always having two poles or opposites, shadows can pull at each other and leave us feeling trapped within.

The healthy balance of Spirit, on the other hand, comes from embodying the forms of guide and student rather than doubter and seeker. We can do this by being open to the lessons at hand, accepting and utilizing wisdom that shows itself, and knowing that life is not a monkey wrench-free ride. Since none of us is completely lacking of the shadow sides, we must be willing to be a student and we need a good guide when it comes to residing in the “spirit world” (which is not as bewitching or otherworldly as we think; we often do this without necessarily realizing it). While the space has no form or color and can be hard to see, moving through it is not as predictable or linear as we expect. Like walking through a mansion’s rooms without seeing the blueprint of the whole structure, the exploration can be scary without the awareness of the larger picture and some guidance along the way.

So how do we go about getting this? Considering what the big picture really is and what it means to us; Being open to spiritual or spirit-driven teachers or mentors who help us make sense of things; Making our mental and emotional well-being as important as anything else in our lives; And encouraging others to do the same. Because by including spirit in our healing – integrating with a higher spirit and allowing our spirits to heal – we are engaging the full healing model and all aspects of ourselves.

“When you get the warm, familiar feeling of being home,” Stephen says, “you’ll know you’re not wandering and doubting anymore.” Being in spirit is being in the center of the labyrinth of life: You are operating from a more stable place, you have a healthier perspective and outlook, and you as well become the guide.

The Strange and the Familiar ~

Things just don’t always make sense. Sometimes they seem to make sense to someone else, but not us. “If it doesn’t make sense it might not make sense, you know?” Stephen says referring to something we’ve been discussing. “You can’t make something seem rational that’s not. On the other hand, you can’t make someone see something that’s really obvious to us, but not them. We all miss stuff.”

So then are some things just inherently more sensible? And some of us can see that while others can’t? And if so, there must also be things that exist that are less rational. For instance, it makes sense to take care of our health so we are capable of living to our fullest. It doesn’t make much sense to be so careless and destructive that we are living a subpar life or causing it to end too soon. But both of these things happen. And while we can judge one better than the other, we all have the freewill to decide how we want to go about experiencing our lives.

So for things to exist, they don’t really have to make sense, do they? And rationale is not the only way to go. We may rely on it to a large extent, but then, what I think is irrational is not always agreed upon by someone else. So their behavior will be a reflection of where they are mentally coming from. Unless, they aren’t even aware of what or how they’re feeling, and yet they’re acting out nonetheless. Awareness – or we should say lack of awareness - is often the missing link. People don’t always stop and do the work it takes to analyze the basic beliefs from which they’re operating. Which again, doesn’t make sense, but it happens all the time, right?

And then there are the limitations of all that “rational” stuff. Do you ever make a list of pros and cons, and despite the list being weighted heavily to one side, go the route of the other because you ‘just feel it’? And how often are these decisions wrong? In my experience, rational thought will only take us so far. We can rationalize something to death, but still be compelled to act against it, and not regret our decision later. This must mean we’re also guided by other forces or “senses”. What else is there at our disposal, aside from practicality? Intuition, instinct, passion, vision, emotions, thoughts, etc. that seem to come from anyplace but the mind. So is rationale just a part of a larger whole?

Along the lines of yin and yang, sense cannot exist without nonsense. So even when everything turns upside down and we see no sense in sight, it’s always there nonetheless. We might just have to wait it out, but it always shows itself again. When I’m at my wit’s end and it seems the whole cosmos is plotting against me or an aspect of my life, I vent to someone who cares. Or if I’m really feeling trapped, I mentally plot my escape route out of the situation. Even if I’m just humoring myself, I’m really trying to find whatever sanity I can in whatever order seems to be left, which is often hiding in something simple or mundane I normally procrastinate about (like doing dishes or cleaning the frig). And in immersing myself in something I can make sense and order from, I’m letting it all go until the big picture balances itself again.

In one aspect of our lives or another there’s always going to be something unresolved. But if we’re armed with a generally healthy perspective and attitude, we’re going to find joy in something else. One thing going wrong can make everything else feel wrong, but we have to recognize that it’s not. There’s always something good somewhere to hold on to.

“I’m always really interested in the balance of the strange and the familiar,” Stephen says, an acceptance we could all benefit from. But how many of us choose not to be so fascinated by the contradictions in life? We have a strong tendency to fight heartily against them, or give up altogether. But the co-existence of strange and familiar may just be one of the building blocks of our lives, which would make living not just a survival game, but a creative art-form; one that requires varying amounts of certain things… Like the ability to analyze and assess real resources at hand, balanced with a willingness to throw a little caution to the wind. Hey, if both the sensible and the absurd can come at us at once, mixing practicality with a dose of ‘come-what-may, bring-it-on’ adventurousness might sometimes be the most fruitful and freeing response.

Little Blisses ~

Why did Julie Andrews sing about her favorite things in ‘The Sound of Music’? Because she and the Colonel’s children were all distracted from sleep and frightened by a storm. It was probably a metaphor for the political storm building in a much more significant way around them. But we’ve all got “storms” of some sort brewing in our lives or proximity. We can deal with them if that’s an option, but often we have to ‘weather’ the storm: Be heartier and more long-lasting than it. When this is the case, we need pleasant distractions - Or better yet, a genuine desire to note what is uplifting. And when considering this, we shouldn’t judge the quality of the elevating entity by its size, because we’d just be selling ourselves short.

I like to call them ‘little blisses’, and I made a list of some of my favorite things today. Because noting all the sweet and bold things from which we glean pleasure on a daily basis, the significance of our actual burdens lessens somewhat and our trivial worries become that much easier to spot and swat away. Remembering the everyday things makes us stop and appreciate them, and appreciation evokes a state of grace, like a kind of everyday sacredness.

Sure, some days aren’t so productive and some don’t end so rosy, no matter how hard we try. I, for one, did not awake feeling like Julie Andrews bathed in bliss on a mountain top. But I did what needed to be done just to maintain the status quo of my life. It wasn’t until my day was nearly done that I began counting my blessings, inspired by curtains blowing in the wind.

When inspiration and meaning seem out of reach, do whatever it takes to remind yourself of the preciousness in the world and look to all the places where the sacred may reside. Light a candle (number five on my favorite list) and say a prayer or affirmation. Order take-out and give the cook a rest. Take your kids to a park and soak up the nature sounds. Or write down your woes, honor them, and then let them go for the night.

Because when we start looking at what makes us happy – instead of what doesn’t – we invoke little bits of joy. And before you know it, when you look around at what’s truly there, there are a thousand things to love in one instant. And this graceful, appreciative way of looking at our lives brings us back down to an earth that is nurturing, supportive and always providing something for which to thank our lucky stars.

Succumbing to Sickness – Necessary or Not? ~

What’s your take on getting sick? Is it mind over matter or is it only a matter of biology? Can you not “afford” to get sick or are you a bear to deal with when sick? Do you think we “catch” bugs or succumb to only some of them? Does your mental or emotional state have anything to do with whether you get sick or not? For instance, is chronic stress or running yourself ragged a catalyst? Or were you just at the wrong place at the wrong time?

We all have different theories about getting sick. Lama Jinpa believes that getting a little bit sick can build up antibodies. When he fights getting sick, that’s when he tends to get sick, he says. Can you relax into the sickness rather than pushing through it? Can you see it as an opportunity to slow down? Lama Jinpa believes this might actually aid in our recovery.

It’s natural to get sick once in a while, right? Very few of us are lucky enough to be able to say we never get sick (and is this even human?). But if we periodically get sick on the littler levels – like colds and flus – then maybe we won’t succumb to bigger illnesses, Lama la theorizes. It’s like a practice run for our immune systems; stretching them out, working them into a healthy sweat, and making them stronger in the long run.

The holistic view sees us as being healthier because of having been sick. You know that feeling – when you’re finally well again – just how good feeling normal can be, and the clarity that goes along with it? We usually only appreciate our general wellness after recovery from physical ailments, psychological angst or life turbulence. So on the mental level too, maybe getting sick serves a purpose.

Sometimes, people won’t give themselves the rest they need unless and until they become bed-ridden. But can a hearty attitude and healthy outlook actually prevent the need for such human weakness as the flu? Because if there were a way to ensure I would never, ever be sick again, I’d personally be interested in hearing about it. I just wonder if there might be any unforeseen consequences or side effects… and I’m not so sure I’m willing to be the guinea pig on this one.

A Healthy Level of Engagement

Most days as I drive around town, I see someone standing on a street corner waving a large sign advertising homes or pizzas, and more often than not they’re “tuning out” with headphones on and Ipod blaring. But some days, I spot the older gentleman with his pizza sign and I wave enthusiastically at him. I’ve actually never met him, but every time I see him he’s waving at all the cars zipping by… And it makes we wonder if we are engaged enough in the street-level sense.

Do people gather on front porches much anymore? Are there any more gas station attendants who fill your tank and check your fluids and tires? Do you frequent any neighborhood places where everybody knows your name? Or are we hiding behind our caller ID’s and online social networks so much that we’re losing our nerve or people skills?

The automated check-out lines of The Home Depot are empty whenever I’m there. Raley’s has them too, but I prefer to wait for an available clerk. It’s not because I can’t check myself out, but I’d rather have face-to-face time with a (hopefully) friendly cashier rather than interacting only with machines. To be honest, however, I don’t always choose the human route; I do love the convenience of ATMs, drive-thrus and online shopping. But I want some things to remain as they are before they become obsolete or we lose our sense of nostalgia.

What are some potentially counter-productive things we’ve learned in our modern society? Don’t talk to strangers because they have malicious motives. Don’t engage haggard-looking people because they’re probably going to ask for money. Don’t trust anyone because everyone’s out to get us. Don’t touch anything because it’s full of cooties. Whether literally or figuratively, the warnings go on. And while some may be practical, even necessary at times, we may also go too far when it comes to expecting the worst. So we lock ourselves in our houses or cars and plug our ears, rushing from place to place; weary of people, things and experiences we’re not familiar with.

One reason I like greeting the clerk at the grocery store is that it reminds me that most people are friendly and want you to have a good experience. It also keeps my social skills limber. Talking to strangers on the street? I think it keeps my compassionate nature in check – be compassionate, but know your boundaries. I guess I tend to be an engager. I smile at people I don’t know and enjoy the company of kind people. But fear and unnecessary anxieties are nevertheless things I often have to wrestle with. And when my experience does turn bad (which is rare), I check to see who instigated it. Did I attract it with my fearful or negative energy? If not - and my conscience is clean - I have to accept that it says a lot more about them than me.

If I were to let the more unpleasant experiences send me into my shell for too long, I would be a lot less likely to invite positive interactions in the future. Not to mention, a fearful person is scary in their own way… so one victim breeds another. Even if we have to practice it over and over again - playing with our boundaries and tapping into our hard-earned wisdom; even if we have to remind ourselves several times daily - let’s choose love over fear as often as possible. It is a choice, after all.