Resolutions & Intentions: Why 'The Secret' Isn’t Enough

In general, people seem to be happy about the New Year. What’s not to like about a fresh start? Before talking about our goals for the days, weeks and months to come, however, my husband and I took some time to reflect on what we’d accomplished in 2010. To our surprise, much of what we’d hoped to create, inspire or experience actually manifested (or the momentum was at least ignited).

Having an idea of what we want our lives to be like is essential for helping to steer them in the right direction. Being mindful of our goals and setting intentions are key ingredients for the laws of attraction. But we can’t stop there. We can’t put our wishes out there and then sit idly waiting for our dreams to come to us. But then, neither should we push so aggressively that we don’t allow life to unfold naturally. Life, in general, has to go on in order for our desires to become infused with energy.

At Middle Way Health we strive to create some structure for our goals, meanwhile also being open, flexible and balanced. The structure is the framework from which our goals can manifest, but our dreams need more than nails and 2-by-4s. We need to leave some open, undesignated space in which the unknowns or unexpected can unfold. The balance is created by accepting the limbo we’re in and seeing it as potential in motion.

Last weekend, Stephen led a ‘Four Wheels of the Chariot’ meditation retreat, based on ‘The Four Chariots of Spiritual Practice’. The four wheels represent mindfulness, relaxation, friendliness, and spaciousness.

• Mindfulness is making the decision to pay attention to something (Intention)
• Relaxation requires easing into the blending of our intention and current life circumstances, as well as easing into our body
• Friendliness is having non-judgment about what occurs (not always so easy to do), along with a sense of warmth
• And Spaciousness is leaving room for possibilities (sometimes different or even greater than we had envisioned)

Most of us are familiar with the book and movie ‘The Secret’. But it’s not the only “secret” we need to know. Being mindfully present and stopping at intention is not enough. We can formulate our goals in our head and “put them out there,” so to speak, but we can’t stop there. We also need relaxation of body, not just mind. In a sense, we have to trust that things will work out (even if it’s different than we’d hoped) and actually embody this faith in the processes of life. Otherwise, intention alone can become like a demand – and nobody likes to be commanded.

If you say, for instance, that you’re going to lose 20 lbs, but you don’t embody it – actually see the results and begin to feel the desire with your physical body – you are ignoring the importance of your full role in the process. Mindfulness alone is like a unicycle – only one person/thing can get on it. With a chariot, however, we can transport several people or entities at once, and our experience becomes multi-faceted rather than singularly-focused.

Typically, nothing much happens if we just sit and wait. We have to at least stay in the stream of life and go with the flow when it feels right. Like floating on an air mattress in a pool, we should relax into it and enjoy the subtle movements, but if we stop moving our arms and legs completely or for too long, we’ll end up stagnant in a corner with the gathering leaves.

Mindfulness is more than being present. It is remembering what we’re doing. And remembering – although cognitive - implies action. Action in the sense that we have purpose and a drive to engage in our lives no matter what the current circumstances.

Happy 2011!

Magical Words and Evolutionary Leaps

Sometimes we have to play with words in order to get where we want to go but have yet to fully define. This includes opening the mind and letting it “play” in the realm of possibility (aka, brainstorming). Words are important, but sometimes we (ok, I) get lazy and let the same overused words define us. But since we’re always evolving, so should our language evolve to represent where we are and where we want to go. Using the same old words to describe ourselves and our lives can keep us stuck in the past. Therefore, words have great power and that power can be harnessed.

In thinking about the new programs at Middle Way Health, Stephen and I took some time to figure out how best to convey our message genuinely and in entirety. Sometimes a word works just fine, but doesn’t feel fully encompassing. For instance, while we’re “expanding” our services, there’s really more to it than that. The expansion of services is a symbol for how Middle Way Health and its practitioners are evolving. The word ‘expanding’ for me conjures images of waist sizes around the holidays - and while it’s an adequate word - when we’re designing our future, I don’t think we should stop at “adequate”.

When we think of the changes at Middle Way Health, we see movement in all directions, so “growth” and “radiating” feel like fuller, better-rounded words to describe the progress under way. And since they evoke more holistic images in my head, that means more potential too.

Yet new services offered aren’t the only changes at Middle Way Health. There’s also our relationship with our clients, colleagues and prospective clients. Just as any kind of therapy requires some effort on both the practitioner and patient’s part, Middle Way Health is a place of interaction. We want people to get involved, participate, connect and perhaps link with others. This kind of holistic environment is created within sacred space - that atmosphere in which we can all let down our guards and be our authentic selves – and it creates more of the same. From this freedom come transformation and a blossoming of who we are, both individually and collectively.

A strong sense of who we are (or want to be) and how to best interact with the world then allows us to generate both confidence and compassion, and exude both vulnerability and empowerment. This personal branching out encourages others to show their true colors and figure out what it will take for them to blossom as well. We’re all role models for one another.

The core values of Middle Way Health have not changed; they are now simply more encompassing. Fostering awareness, empowerment, healing, creative expression, transformation and connection, Middle Way Health is a place where all of these things can converge. As a center for healing, creativity and growth, we all aim to thrive, not just survive.

The Journey of Journaling

When it comes to journaling, I’ve always had a tendency to write when confused, upset or seeking something. When everything seems hunky dory, my journal often sits collecting dust. Nowadays, I do more gratitude writing, brain storming and dream designing in my journals than lamenting, but it’s still a great problem solver for me and even better listener. Journaling is very much a tool for me these days, and it morphs along with me as I grow, changing both my life and perspective.

When sad or lost as a little girl, poetry was an accepting way to just get the feelings out. I was never much of a story writer until later in life and after some serious adult soul searching. I was more often than not embarrassed to re-read what I’d written, but even then I knew it served a good purpose. Maybe now that I’ve been writing for a living, I sometimes work my issues out through my projects. But not always.

Recent topics in my journal, which is really just a lined notebook where I scribble ideas and ask open-ended questions, include thoughts on what’s missing in my life. As a newly-married woman with no plans for children, that leaves my life more wide open than I thought it would be at this point. There’s a certain amazing freedom to that, which I can appreciate. And yet, sometimes we need some boundaries so we know where to begin walking and in which direction to head.

I’ve been dreaming of little travels lately ( I say “little” because I don’t want to be away from home for too long) and wondering how I can pair that with my writing career. It dawned on me last night that I can’t wait for the journey to come to me; I have to go to it. Meaning, I have to risk something in order to gain. If I allow myself to branch out literally in my life, won’t that ripple into other areas? Won’t I undoubtedly have more to write about, and thus be more motivated to find outlets for those experiences?

I’m hopeful, and I guess that’s good enough for now.

Responsiveness v. Non-Responsiveness

Stephen is a fairly extroverted person so he likes being with people, doing projects with others, and staying regularly connected. But he has a busy practice that can command much of his attention, so he’s not always as accessible as he’d like to think he is. Sometimes when friends and colleagues call him during a busy day he finds himself saying, “I’ll call you right back.” But he doesn’t, and then they get frustrated, and he ends up feeling guilty.

Why does he say it if he doesn’t mean it? It’s not that he doesn’t want to call people back. Sometimes he’s just overwhelmed and sometimes there’s really no need for a call back. But he’s the one who left it wide open, so why does he do it?

When there’s a dichotomy in one’s life, there’s always an underlying issue (although figuring out exactly what that issue is, is not always easy). That issue in this case could be Right Speech: ‘Say what you mean, mean what you say.’ But sometimes Stephen is just giving himself time to think about what’s been posed. Sometimes, it’s simply something he doesn’t want to have to deal with it at that time. But what if they want a more immediate response? There’s a rift between someone who’s ready and someone who’s not. So is the real issue: ‘Timing: My readiness does not always equal your readiness’?

How responsive do we have to be in this day and age of constant, multiple means of communication? How much do we owe it to others to respond in a certain manner? And when we don’t respond in a “timely” fashion or even respond at all, what is that saying? Are we unable to be present and focus on the issue at hand? Are we feeling overwhelmed by all that is coming at us? Are we asserting our independence and boundaries by in essence saying, “I’ll deal with it when I can deal with it”? Just because someone wants our attention – does that mean we are obligated to give it??

Is there really a concrete right and wrong answer to this? No. And so we are always juggling with and struggling through these conundrums in life. Stephen could, however, formulate a more honest, self-affirming answer when put in these situations, something like: “I’m really not sure when I can get back to you on this but I appreciate the thought.” It might not appease the person on the other end of the line, but hopefully Stephen is not left feeling so guilty for his non-responsiveness. There’s simply no perfect or complete fix in situations like these. In the big picture it doesn’t perfect the web we weave throughout life, but it might untangle one small part. In this case, only Stephen really knows. Well, him… and each person he’s meeting head on - or not.

Welcome to the 'Heart & Soul' Blog!

We haven’t yet officially introduced Middle Way Health’s ‘Heart & Soul’ Blog, but since we just unveiled our new website - www.MiddleWayHealth.com – there’s no time like the present. Middle Way Health offers holistic healthcare such as Psychotherapy, Hypnotherapy and Shamanic Healing, while new healing modalities being offered include Health and Wellness Advocacy and Expressive Writing Coaching. As well, under the umbrella of Middle Way Health, Middle Way Institute offers workshops and training designed to bring meaning and balance back into our lives.

‘Heart & Soul: Falling in Love with the World Again’ is a way for us to express our personal experiences with the challenges and inspirations of life. We know that it’s not always easy being in love with the world or our own lives, and yet we also know how important a dose of realism is in accepting what we can and cannot control.

Why do we call it “Falling in Love with the World Again?” Because each of us at times has fallen out of love with our existence due to betrayal, loss, depression, bewilderment, etc. But residing at the hopeless end of the spectrum – the one where we’re pessimistically reactive or inactive – isn’t going to invite the good stuff back in. While we don’t expect anyone to go from zero to 60 in love, practicing the art of accepting what comes to us will lead us in the right direction. After all, we’re here, we’re putting some effort into this thing called life… so we might as well go through the motions with the intention of finding or creating something worthwhile.

Try this on for size: Decide to say “Yes” to the world for a while. Just accept whatever comes at you and deal with it the best way you can. People don’t realize how much they’re saying “No”, or at best “Maybe” to what unfolds for them and this resistance to life is halting the natural process. Because if we’re always saying “No” or “Maybe”, we’re going to get the same in return – negativity and ambivalence.

We’ve all been hurt by people, situations, etc., and we may wonder if it’s even possible to fall in love again after betrayal or devastation. It depends a lot on what you believe and what you want out of life, but we certainly believe it’s possible. You just have to make the conscious choice to take a risk and believe it’s worth it. Sure, you may never forget the betrayal or get a guarantee that it’ll never happen again, but love/life is always there, hoping you’ll give it a second, third and fourth chance. We’re not calling it ‘Heart & Soul: Minimizing Your Risk’, after all. We know it’s a struggle because we struggle too. And we’ll share our challenges with you here, so keep an eye peeled for our adventures!

Within the blog we will also inform you about what we’re up to at Middle Way Health. For instance, we’re currently writing a novel (Something So Obvious) that will become the backdrop to a series of workshops called the Middle Way Training. In the meantime, many of the themes and philosophies within the book will be subject-matter for our blog entries because they represent universal challenges that affect us all. Feel free to send us ideas, questions and comments. We look forward to hearing from you.

Here’s to a Spirited Life (bumps, roadblocks and all) ~ Stephen, Melanie, Sabrina & Judy

What's it Like Being a (fill in the blank)?

…Psychotherapist, Writing Coach, Shamanistic Healer, or (fill in the blank)? What goes on behind the eyes of a health practitioner? What thoughts whirl around the inside of the mind?

Often, when we can’t relate to something someone does, the mystery can be disconcerting and we may feel self conscious. It can also be intriguing if we are open to the unknown. But shedding light on some of the obscurity can put us at ease, and we might feel a little wiser, a little less mesmerized by that which seems so unfamiliar.

I’m a writer, photographer and writing coach. I can tell you what it’s like to be any one of these things from my perspective, but I have no clue what it’s like being a psychotherapist or hypnotist. Because of what I do, I’m in my head a lot – feelings, impressions and ideas lead to thoughts, words and images – which then often lead back to ideas, impressions and feelings.

When I’m helping someone else write a book or any sort of writing project, however, while I’m still thinking, I’m not as much in my own head as I am trying to be in theirs. And as long as they are open to sharing their experiences with me, it’s a fun challenge putting myself in someone else’s world. Usually, I learn something about people in general that I never knew. Usually, I also learn things that we have in common. Therefore, by sharing feelings, thoughts, ideas, words and images with one another, something that once seemed to escape my comprehension is now within my grasp and something that seemed foreign is now comfortably close. Understanding others in turn makes me a better writer. But perhaps more importantly, the gap between me and the rest of the world narrows.

In essence, by helping others understand and express themselves, I better understand and express myself. I don’t see myself as the ‘expert’ and my clients as ‘students’. We all have something to teach each other, something for show and tell, and something to learn from our peers. Sometimes, it is simply my perspective that can help open someone else up to a broader reality that has more potential than the one before. And then I offer suggestions for practice which can help them remain in that space.

In order to write or help others write I have to open myself up. That can be a vulnerable place for anyone. But if we all come to the table with honest and good intentions, we’ll all leave with more of the good stuff, and more to offer others.

What’s it like writing? Exhilarating, laborious, inspiring, comforting, confusing and almost always enlightening. What’s it like helping others tell their story? Exhilarating, laborious, inspiring, comforting, confusing and almost always enlightening. One way or another, I always come away better for the wear. If we’ve opened ourselves up at all, we can’t help but to have learned something. And then we’re in a slightly different place than we were before.

Finding Self and Love

Why are there so many movies that end in that fairytale way? With the main character finding true love and happily ever after just naturally occurring from that moment on? Is it because it really happens this way, because we want it to happen like this but it doesn’t or because it is a partial truth?

Do people find themselves and then true love or vice versa? Is there a formula that works for everyone or does it happen differently for each person?

Are finding oneself and true love synonymous? Do they tend to go hand in hand? Are they symbols of one another or complement each other in the highest way?

And if you do find yourself and your true love, is that the actual ‘end’ of the fairytale? Or just a continuation of the journey?

In my experience, wanting to find oneself and one’s truth – being on a quest for it and nothing less – is the best and quickest way to also find one’s true love. Because without knowing and accepting one’s truth/identity, you can’t know and accept the truth/identity of another; without being true to oneself first, one cannot be completely true to another.

Yet finding oneself is not a process that ever really ends. It’s an ongoing journey that is both heightened and softened by the love of another. Life goes on once the couple rides off into the sunset, as they continually learn how to love and respect each other as well as themselves. The journey together is the happily ever after, although there will be challenges that come in other forms and continue to plague or challenge the ‘happily’. It’s the getting through this with awareness and grace that brings you back to the ‘happily’. It’s just that there’s no permanent state of happy or promise of a halt of change. Realizing this eases the pain of morphing through it all.

But what about finding true love before one truly knows oneself? Is this possible?
There are probably an infinite number of formulas for living, so one’s own path is a unique journey that can look very different from another’s. As long as one is open, anything is possible. The opening to and joining with another is often the catalyst to self-discovery.