It’s the Little Things that Create the Big Ones

While many of us are struggling to “survive” during these dynamic, tumultuous times, I think that more than ever we need to grasp the wonder and the richness of simplicity. Basically, boiling our lives down to what matters most to each of us will help our perspective – and priorities – shift to a more manageable place. Trying to have or do it all might just be too ambitious at times, and that pressure alone could be just what’s ailing us.

I recently read that what one average Joe typically does in a day is enough to exhaust the otherworldly beings watching over us. That concept made me stop to consider it and my own ways… Do I frequently applaud myself for getting out of bed in the morning, giving something – anything – my best shot, smiling at a stranger, and being present enough to avoid that indecisive squirrel in the road? Or do I mentally beat myself up for not doing enough? Truth be told – and I doubt I’m alone on this – it’s more often the latter. But what if what we’re doing is enough? What if it’s plenty, or even admirable to beings watching from afar (say, a distant galaxy or couch, for instance)?!

And what if, instead of giving up and being lazy, we’re flat out trying too hard and actually doing less? For example, we’re being inefficient with our efforts because we’re constantly berating ourselves for not doing whatever we are doing well enough… Well, that emotional energy is totally being wasted, and we’re probably pretty exhausted from it. Our other options are to stop worrying already, or just focus on something and do the best we can, come what may.

So lately, instead of hyper-focusing on what I didn’t do, I’ve been going through the motions of patting myself on the back for what I did do. I just journal a few notes a day about what I accomplished, no matter how insignificant or trivial seeming: “Did the dishes, answered the phone, breathed through my anxiety, gave a $1 to the Veteran’s Fund, organized project X notes, etc.” And you know what? That little bit of self-acknowledgment really does help me feel better about the scheme of things in my life. And the “little things” I accomplished? They set me up for where I am today: hitting the pavement on project X running.

So when you think about how ‘It’s the little things in life that count,’ well, you stop under-estimating them and begin letting them exist as if they were the real events in your life.

Exploring Life’s Black Holes

What are the blockages, the reasons for not falling in love with another, for not falling in love with life, for not falling in love with oneself? If we let our own flaws block our self-love, we may also allow others’ flaws to drown out the love we have for them. And the same goes for life. But are we aware that we’re doing this? Probably not. The truth is that things will haunt us in subtle, small or big ways if we don’t turn to face the villains in our sleeping and waking nightmares. But what happens when we’re the villain?

Unless someone is literally trying to harm us, making them the bad guy, the experience negative, or the fault always someone else’s is not a productive, proactive way to live. But we do the opposite, too, by personalizing every little thing that happens and blaming ourselves for all the imperfections of our relationships, career failures, financial situations, etc. Yes, we have to take responsibility for our actions pertaining to all situations facing us… No, we can’t control the outcomes to these actions, however. The acceptance and calmness we seek is in between these two.

Can you be the perfect mate, perfect employee, perfect parent and perfect friend at all once? Ha, try being the perfect any one thing and see how that works out for you. But can we do the best with what we have to work with? Yes. And that alone may be the highest good anyone can do in a lifetime.

There are slackers, those who won’t take any responsibility for their lives – and there are hyper achievers, those who are never satisfied with their efforts, the results, the actions of others, or their life in general. Letting ourselves be real – flawed without letting those flaws overtake us – is a great gift to oneself. Just as we love our children, pets and partners unconditionally, we can do the same for ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t try to teach our children to be decent people, our pets to pee where they’re supposed to, or our spouses to believe in themselves. There’s just always a gentle balance - say, a grace - to living a life of love without excessive ego.

Everything that happens in life – it all matters, but it’s not the be-all-end-all. We have a bad day because of someone else or we let ourselves feel shame for something we did… The best we can do is explore the situation or feeling, do something to rectify it if possible, put it in a healthy perspective, and then awaken the next morning having forgiven (whether another or ourselves). It’s a challenge to live honestly and humbly while building confidence and courage at the same time. I think this is what they call character. And the fact that you got out of bed this morning sandwiched between the absurdity and divinity of being human is just one more positive step.

Keep rising and shining!

To Be Empowered or Just To Be

Mind, Body, Spirit, Soul… Parent, Child, Student, Coach… Work, Relationships, Community, Self… Home phone, Cell phone, Pager, Email… Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, Blogger… How do we work with all the aspects of our lives and bring them harmoniously together without feeling fractioned off or buried beneath? How do we make sense of things when they seem to be floating around us haphazardly? How do we see the forest when they’re chopping down the trees? How is it that the more we know, the less we know we know?

With more options come more freedoms, right? With more awareness comes a deeper peace, correct? And with more at our disposal means more manageability, wouldn’t you say? Then why does is not always feel that way? Why does it sometimes feel that in the pursuit of simplicity and authenticity we’re making our lives more complex?

I read recently that human beings are great at making simple things complex. I believe this to be true – because I seem to do it myself - but I wonder why it might be so. Is the complex web we weave just clutter and extraneous stuff not serving us? And is there a way to de-program this default of making things harder than they have to be? Like daily affirmations and yoga stretches, practical tips for getting our ducks in a row, maybe even an emergency mantra for particularly scattered times…

As I write this and put an absurd amount of question marks at the end of my sentences, I realize the peanut butter and banana tortilla wrap in my hand is disappearing into my mouth faster than I can taste it. Being one of the slowest eaters I’ve personally ever met, I pause to consider my unconscious behavior and soon realize that Lesson One seems to literally be at hand.

Recognize when you’re accelerating at an unnecessary pace, if you’re feeling or acting hyper, frantic or anxious. (If you’re feeling overwhelmed, this is probably the case). The trick here is to recognize the growing momentum that doesn’t feel so good and step out of it by becoming present, grounding yourself and feeling the gentle movements of your own heartbeat or nature’s grace, rather than the feverish clamoring of society. That’s all – just stop and breath slower, smell the bouquet of flowers in your grocery cart, hear the music overhead, take a bite out of that baguette and really taste the crunch, the softness, the subtle flavor of bread with nothing smothered on it.

And then later, when we’re more “pulled together” and feeling more “ourselves”, maybe look at what caused us to feel overwhelmed in the first place. If we have too many demands being placed upon us, it’s time for some honest-to-goodness values/goals assessment and re-prioritization. If our sense of overwhelm is being caused by an over-reaction to outer or inner triggers, on the other hand, then we should look at why we’re feeling so vulnerable and why we’re letting our psyche go on autopilot.

The truth is that we typically have a choice in just how connected we are, how we handle those strands of our existence, and when we give them too much power. There is rarely ever a real need to be parent, child, employee and student all at once. How much does the world need for us alone to save it, and come on, is that really possible? – No. Why not practice kindness over competition, creativity over debate, overall goodness over perfection, or whatever contributes to our sense of inner peace? Rather than being something to pursue, as if it’s up ahead or moving faster than us, simplicity is in the now and authenticity is nowhere but within.

More than being accomplished or being the best that we can be, is the trick to life just being fully and honestly in as many moments as we can? I’m starting to think that living up to my potential and leaving a legacy shouldn’t take as much out of me as it does… So maybe if I ease up on the expectations, those things will happen in their own way and in their due course. And if not – if I just leave this planet empty-handed, one day knowing I learned to appreciate it all – well, I think that simple lesson is pretty darn profound.

There’s a Word for That? Thank Goodness!

I love language - writing it more than speaking it, to be honest. But that’s just because it seems to come out more eloquently on paper for me. In addition, speaking can sometimes take a lot out of me. If I had it my way, in fact, we’d all communicate telepathically. But wouldn’t that open a can of worms? Imagine if we did not/could not censor ourselves. On one hand, we could get into a lot of trouble. On the other hand, wouldn’t communications be more pure and honest?!

Sometimes, I find it difficult to find the right words to express what I’m feeling or experiencing. This can be hardest when I’m having a challenging conversation with someone. The intensity of the emotions paired with a limited means of expression can yield frustration indeed. And that’s certainly not going to make relating any easier.

Yesterday I stumbled upon the word ‘Shenpa’ by accident. My initial reaction was ‘There’s a word for that?!’ while my second reaction was relief. It’s a Buddhist word that doesn’t translate to our vocabulary as well as it does to our actual lived experience. ‘Getting hooked’ is one of the closest translations. But I find that once you match the term ‘shenpa’ to your previously un-named experience, the ‘Ah-ha’ alone can be rather freeing.

Imagine someone comes at you with a particularly condescending tone, or they criticize or even insult you. In a nanosecond you can go from feeling peachy keen to feeling like, well, crap. You feel it deep down, instantaneously – that cold, gray, closing up sensation. For me, it’s like a dark shadow is filling up my insides and making it mighty chilly in there. In addition, armor rapidly forms around me like an impenetrable shield. It can probably be likened to self-preservation or ego blocking, but it doesn’t feel good, nor is it productive.

If someone is not literally coming at us with sticks, stones and swords, our subconscious reaction can be an over-reaction. Often, the person who we blame for turning our warm fuzzies to ash didn’t even mean to do the damage. But regardless what’s happening outside of us, it’s the interior turmoil that is doing most of the damage.

Typically, we are to a large extent responding to things that have happened to us in the past. The comment reminds us of feeling slighted long ago, and our defenses go on high alert. What we’re experiencing internally doesn’t feel good anymore and we just want it to stop. But instead of sitting with the feeling and seeing what it brings up, we tend to lash out or “spin” out cognitively, trying to frantically rationalize our way out of the feeling.
When my husband and I argue, I’m pretty sure it is the shenpa we each experience that puts the stick in the spoke of the bicycle we’re both on.

Now, I haven’t had a chance to test this theory yet, but you can be sure that the next time I clam up and close off because of a hurtful or confusing comment, I’m going to try to stop the momentum myself; put on the breaks, get off the bike and sit on the grass. Then I’m going to attempt exploring the feeling that’s gripped me more like a scientist than a wounded child.

We’ll see what happens. But at least I have a word to put to the feeling now, and I know I’m not alone.

Do You Hide Yourself Away?

When we feel vulnerable, it is considered a weakened state by our society. But is it, really? Might it depend on what has weakened us and whether it’s an acute or chronic state of being? Let’s examine the more chronic state of vulnerability, as the acute kind is usually situation-specific and remedied by the disappearance of said situation.

If I am made to feel vulnerable by something emotional like grief, it is difficult to accomplish regular tasks, mingle openly with the world, and tend to my life as it was. But is this so bad? Maybe my life needs some re-ordering at this time, and my downtime allows me the self-reflection to do something about it. If I am made vulnerable by something more mental, like an existential or life crisis, I will feel unstable and perhaps frightened of what will come of me and my life. But am I really unsafe? Or is that just my ego talking, and so is this really an opportunity to break through it? If I feel vulnerable in a physical sense – as in an illness – it affects the heart and mind just as much as the body at first. But this is also the fastest way to put things in perspective and see what really and truly matters in our lives.

Sometimes we feel vulnerable from a life event, but it’s not always trauma that causes us to feel this way. I’ve found for instance, that I seem to have a 5-1/2 year cycle of doing and creating, then questioning and breaking down, until re-birth and re-building once again. We all have cycles of growth, coasting and burn out. If we didn’t, we’d probably be going through our lives more like robots, not assessing things periodically to see if they still align with our values and goals. And since we all experience bouts of vulnerability at times, I hope we can see that it’s just another knot on the old tree; that it’s part of the life experience, and so should be respected, accepted and perhaps talked about once in a while so we can learn to feel safer even within that rupturing, wounded, temporary state of being.

In her book When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chrodron says that true awakening is letting ourselves die over and over again. Of course the dying is really the false assumptions, beliefs and needs we’ve acquired over time thinking they’ll protect us. Instead of shielding us, however, they keep us trapped in illusion. Feeling this exposed and vulnerable is not how we tend to want to feel, but this raw state is a sign of authentic being and honest living. Going out into the world with our defenses smashed to pieces – while we may feel unsteady and transparent – is basically living through the fear. Awareness plus Humility plus Presence equals Courage.
How do you feel about yourself now?

When It All Comes Crashing Down...

About a year ago I had what seemed to me like a mini nervous breakdown. There was a lot going on in my life and there were decisions I needed to make that I wasn’t yet clear about. More specifically, there were longtime work stressors, mounting wedding pressures and a sudden pet illness at the forefront. I was going along “handling” it all, I thought, until something rather small reared its little head and took me over the deep end. It wasn’t really about the situation itself, but rather my exaggerated emotional reaction to something not significant in the scheme of things. Deep down, I knew I was probably blowing it out of proportion, but my emotions had the better of me and I was a little bit beside myself. The combined emotions from all the events were festering and there were too many of them to manage, so I sort of lost my cool.

Once it was “safe” (out of the public’s eye), I let myself feel the emotions for a while. I had to honor them in order to eventually put them in perspective. I was then able to explore those feelings with a calmer, clearer head. And it didn’t take long for me to realize what the most chronic stressor was. So not wanting a repeat of said “losing it” situation, I had to admit that I had some control over the stressor and recognized that it was time to finally do something about it.

While it wasn’t the most acute emotional situation at hand out of all the things weighing on me, it was the shadow that had been lingering for far too long, and this decision made everything else easier to deal with. So in a sense, I can thank that little mid-life crisis and the temporary cracking of my character for giving me a literally new outlook on my life. Things have been much better since (phew!).

What I experienced that day was probably more like an anxiety attack than a nervous breakdown, but if I hadn’t stopped to consciously evaluate the situation, things would have only gotten worse. Sometimes, when life’s challenges, emotions and beliefs go ignored and unexplored, the pressure literally becomes too much to bear. There is a point of no return when we cannot regain the trust that we had prior; Thus, we can no longer fully engage life.

When we are able to learn something from our crisis and move beyond it, however, this is when we break through boundaries rather than breaking down. Sometimes the difference between the two is simply being able and willing to see the signs of trouble ahead. If we deny how we’re feeling or what we need for too long, something’s eventually going to have to give. On the other hand, if we regularly get in touch with and honor ourselves enough to accept our feelings and question outdated beliefs about the way things are “supposed” to be, life can move forward and we can go along more willingly and honestly.

Messy Dreams - Can They Bring Order to Life?

I had a series of dreams the other night where people had good intentions, but ended up causing more chaos than comfort. Even though our car went off the road, our accommodations were cold and disorganized, and our pre-arranged plans became hindered and monotonous, no one seemed to care but me.

Although it was supposed to be a fun occasion - I think it was my birthday - nothing was as it should be. Everything felt foreign, I was too far from home, and yet I had little control. Although I was grateful for their efforts, I really wanted to take the reins and chart a new course. But everyone was too busy - unconsciously wrapped up in the unnecessary chaos – to notice my growing desperation and attempts at getting everyone’s attention.

So while I was the ‘guest of honor’ in these dreams, why did I feel so invisible??

Upon waking, the dreams didn’t specifically seem to relate to any part of my life. But because they were weighing on my mind, I figured I’d better ask: Where in my life might I feel this way? Where in my life could I be feeling helpless to the events that transpire? Where in my life might I be feeling invisible (and not even know it)? Where in my life might I need to take more initiative and exert more control?

Although these dreams were rather unpleasant – and especially because they didn’t at first feel significant to me – I figured I’d better explore them further. In writing my impressions of the dreams now, I see certain word choices standing out and resonating with me. Because it’s not literally about my mom driving the car off the road, being inconvenienced, or my husband choosing a boring place to hang out. It’s about how I felt about these events, which translates to how I currently feel about something in my life.

So I break it down. What’s with the car going off the road? We didn’t end up being in any danger, but I was worried about damage to the car and was peeved that my mother wasn’t being as responsible and aware as usual. So what did these feelings make me want to do? Take the wheel and more deliberately steer my own life.

How about the lack of luxury when we were supposed to be in the lap of luxury? What really bothered me was the lack of hominess and comfort. I wasn’t where I belonged, I knew it, and yet I felt trapped since my loved ones all seemed so content. While this could be over-interpreted as me needing an entire life overhaul, sometimes dreams communicate to us in exaggerated and dramatic ways so we’ll take notice. It could have just been a reminder that I know best about what feels right to me, regardless what others around me are thinking or doing.

And finally, the old standard hangout and birthday “celebration” void of any fun… I was simply downright bored, but didn’t feel in control of where I was or what I was doing. Again, the word “control” comes up. While it can have a negative connotation – as in someone being ‘over-controlling’ and unable to go with the flow – perhaps I am under-utilizing my own ability to control something in my life; something that needs some facilitating and mastering. It could also just be that I’m bored with some aspect of our social life and need to think outside the box to freshen it.

As for the birthday reference, birthdays are a celebration of someone’s life, a reminder of the innocence and purity they were born with, a call back to one’s true essence, perhaps. And it just so happens that like never before, I am deliberately designing my life based on this essence. It is an experiment in faith and meaning, passion and personal power… And so it is imperative that I - as the re-affirmed captain of this ship - take the wheel, steer the course, make the executive decisions… and take time to plan my own celebrations once in a while!