Heart & Soul:Falling in Love with the World Again

A Healthy Level of Engagement

2012-02-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

Most days as I drive around town, I see someone standing on a street corner waving a large sign advertising homes or pizzas, and more often than not they’re “tuning out” with headphones on and Ipod blaring. But some days, I spot the older gentleman with his pizza sign and I wave enthusiastically at him. I’ve actually never met him, but every time I see him he’s waving at all the cars zipping by… And it makes we wonder if we are engaged enough in the street-level sense.

Do people gather on front porches much anymore? Are there any more gas station attendants who fill your tank and check your fluids and tires? Do you frequent any neighborhood places where everybody knows your name? Or are we hiding behind our caller ID’s and online social networks so much that we’re losing our nerve or people skills?

The automated check-out lines of The Home Depot are empty whenever I’m there. Raley’s has them too, but I prefer to wait for an available clerk. It’s not because I can’t check myself out, but I’d rather have face-to-face time with a (hopefully) friendly cashier rather than interacting only with machines. To be honest, however, I don’t always choose the human route; I do love the convenience of ATMs, drive-thrus and online shopping. But I want some things to remain as they are before they become obsolete or we lose our sense of nostalgia.

What are some potentially counter-productive things we’ve learned in our modern society? Don’t talk to strangers because they have malicious motives. Don’t engage haggard-looking people because they’re probably going to ask for money. Don’t trust anyone because everyone’s out to get us. Don’t touch anything because it’s full of cooties. Whether literally or figuratively, the warnings go on. And while some may be practical, even necessary at times, we may also go too far when it comes to expecting the worst. So we lock ourselves in our houses or cars and plug our ears, rushing from place to place; weary of people, things and experiences we’re not familiar with.

One reason I like greeting the clerk at the grocery store is that it reminds me that most people are friendly and want you to have a good experience. It also keeps my social skills limber. Talking to strangers on the street? I think it keeps my compassionate nature in check – be compassionate, but know your boundaries. I guess I tend to be an engager. I smile at people I don’t know and enjoy the company of kind people. But fear and unnecessary anxieties are nevertheless things I often have to wrestle with. And when my experience does turn bad (which is rare), I check to see who instigated it. Did I attract it with my fearful or negative energy? If not - and my conscience is clean - I have to accept that it says a lot more about them than me.

If I were to let the more unpleasant experiences send me into my shell for too long, I would be a lot less likely to invite positive interactions in the future. Not to mention, a fearful person is scary in their own way… so one victim breeds another. Even if we have to practice it over and over again - playing with our boundaries and tapping into our hard-earned wisdom; even if we have to remind ourselves several times daily - let’s choose love over fear as often as possible. It is a choice, after all.

Living Within the Confines of Your Conscience

2012-01-09T14:03:00.000-08:00

Right Livelihood. What does it mean to engage in Right Livelihood and does anyone ever talk about it? Is it about one’s career choices or the way one relates in relationships? Acting from virtues or being compassionate, responsible, aware, forgiving? Is it about doing more good than harm, having good intentions, knowing right from wrong and living from that place? Is it being true to oneself while honoring others? Considering consequences before speaking or acting? Doing things that make you feel good about yourself? Letting others be human and yourself be flawed? I’m sure we talk about these things in a round-about way, but rarely do we do it so directly as to ask ourselves or others these specific questions.

I think about my Highest Self, that person I want to be and strive to be but do not always channel as constructively as I’d like. I see her standing in a tower, wearing a long blue dress. But nor she or the tower is entirely of this world. And maybe that is exactly as it should be, always keeping me striving for more.

We all have ideals, but we must also compromise them at times in order to be fully engaged with others and with life. We can work toward our highest expectations, but that doesn’t mean they’ll pan out as we’d hoped. We can control what we think and do (although often easier said than done) but we cannot control what transpires. So the best we can do is… do the best we can as often as possible.

In our career, we can choose one that serves others – or we can at least bring honor to whatever it is that we do. In our relationships, we can be as authentic and honest as possible, hoping to bring out the best not only in others, but in ourselves. In our everyday lives and even with mundane stuff, we can make a difference by cutting down waste and negativity, engaging in honest interactions, and aiming to not only do no harm, but sometimes do a whole lot of good (even if bit by bit).

There are times in life when we wonder or ask ourselves, “What’s the point?’ It’s up to each of us to figure out what is meaningful so we don’t give up believing in something. If we lose faith, inspiration and motivation, we may even swing too far to the destructive side, harming ourselves with a dangerous lifestyle or putting others in jeopardy with no healthy conscience set firmly in place. Whatever the reasons for such a careless manner of living, there is really no excusing the actions. The best that can come out of an unpleasant situation is having learned from it. There should be no amount of money, “comfort” or “glory” worth causing others pain, even if we are doing it “unaware”. Ignorance – or denial – is no excuse for consistently bad behavior, and the immediate punishment for this may just be the pain of existing only partially alive.

To live a life based on Right Livelihood no one can be expected to be perfect. But being aware of one’s morals and how one’s decisions affect others… that alone is of the higher ground. Do you care about yourself, others and the planet, and do the majority of your actions mirror the sentiment? If not, something is most certainly off kilter, and the world feels it (even if you’re pretending not to notice).

Why should we care about what we do for a living, how we spend our free time or how we treat other beings? Because everything we do has a re-action that affects someone or something else, and somehow it always finds its way back to us. We could live ethically because of this knowing or out of guilt, or we could choose to live by a moral code that we actually feel, thus living more fully from a place of connection, awareness, intention and engagement.

Family Foundations

2011-12-27T16:14:00.000-08:00

Family. It can be a heart-warming word or it can be a sore subject. Whether you’re close with your family, avoid them, or have no living relatives, it’s still a loaded topic; it still affects you one way or another.

I had a friend who had one of the most dysfunctional families I’d ever seen, and they couldn’t get enough of each other. My family has always been pretty loving, but not all that tight-knit. My husband and I are starting our own “family” in a sense by blending his and mine. This includes family members, differing expectations and different experiences that have shaped who we are today. So we’re not just mixing people; we’re bringing all of our family experiences from the past to the table.

If you want to get to know someone better, ask about their family. If you want to let others know you more intimately, tell them about yours. While our family experiences don’t have to define us in entirety, none of us are immune to our family dynamics. “You’ll find out more about a person by asking about their family than asking about their spiritual insights,” Lama Jinpa says. “By asking about one’s family, you’re showing that you care, but you can also glean a great deal from someone’s interactions with or thoughts on their family,” he adds. "It’s natural. Even the Buddha had family issues.”

Sometimes people don’t want to talk about their family because they’re embarrassed, deeply wounded, or are afraid of revealing weaknesses in their own character. It shouldn’t really be about blaming, although we all fear hearing this sort of criticism, don’t we? We may be blaming ourselves or blaming anyone but ourselves, but it’s more about gaining insight into why the challenges exist and how we react to them. Are we aware of the role we play in our" family dynamics?

Whether we instigated something, reacted in a way that fueled the flame or feel innocent regarding an ordeal, can we see the big picture and can we put it in perspective? Or are we holding grudges or living in denial about some aspect of our relationships? “Generally the family is still alive inside us, even if they’re gone,” Lama la says. “The family stories don’t go away.” Our past or present family experiences affect us more than we realize.

“So often we think of our spirituality just in terms of special moments, but it can be difficult to really immerse in a good spiritual practice when someone is still pissed off or wounded by one’s family.” At times we all want to imagine that we’re separate from our family, but we have to admit that we’re never entirely separate from them.

Have you ever been gathered around the family dinner table, engaged and aware of the big picture? Kind of like meditation, you’re in it and observing it at the same time. This is how you exert some control and separateness (even if just for your own sanity). This is how you say to yourself, ‘Ok, here I am as part of the family, and here I am separate from it.’ You can choose to leave the family dinner table, but you can’t ever fully take the family out of the individual. “You’re always an individual and you’re always part of the context at the same time,” Lama la says. Seeing this helps us find the balance that enables us to manage sometimes-difficult relations. And then the bigger question becomes, ‘Where are we really coming from and how are we living now?’

Blended families are extremely common these days, and they can help us see things from a different perspective. One family unit breaks apart, another is created, and we are one of the common denominators. So these experiences can create character if we learn from them. We can forge new connections and interactions, and learn to more clearly see the big picture (which isn’t all about us).

Family should provide a sort of support for all its members. So is the safety net beneath you supporting you? Or are you enmeshed in it, feeling trapped? Sometimes, we get a little of both. But if we relate to one feeling much more than the other, this insight can shed much needed light on the state of our current lives.

The Power of the Occassional “No”

2011-12-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

How much is living a pleasant life our own responsibility? When things don’t go so well - and there seems to be a swarm of things not going so well - do we blame all the outside influences for this, not realizing how we may be inviting these things in?

When things aren’t going great or going our way, we tend to feel rather crappy about life. That’s a fairly natural reaction to un-pleasantries. But what we might have missed, however, is the fact that we were already feeling off about something; we just weren’t aware enough or didn’t stop long enough to examine why.

Say someone I work with is causing me a lot of angst, and yet I keep on working with them, keep on interacting the way I always do. Naturally, if my interaction with them remains the same, and their responses remain the same, then I’m going to keep getting the same results, i.e. me ultimately feeling anxious or stressed.

But what this initial bad feeling is telling me is that I am part of the equation. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m part of the problem, but it does mean that I have some control over the situation. If I keep putting up with some difficult person who brings unnecessary stress to my life, then in allowing it and them to remain in my life, I’m failing to take responsibility for my own peace of mind.

Sure, there are times when we can’t avoid conflict and have to work through it. Then that’s what we have to do – face it, do our best to work through it and not take it so personally. But if the situation (or person) refuses to change and we must endure a significant amount of stress because of it, how much worth does it actually hold? That’s a personal decision we must each make when faced with similar situations.

There are, however, plenty of ongoing interactions in our lives that we have significant control over, and we can basically decide to just let them go. For when we don’t – say we keep working with this client just for the money or out of habit while our sanity is cracking under the pressure – then we are the ones responsible for letting the misery in. Often, we just need to really see the situation for what it is, stand back and evaluate it with a clear head, and then make the most harmonious decision possible. Stop, check for acute or chonic stress, re-frame big picture, draw boundaries with favorite Crayolas this time.

A while back we wrote a blog entry about just saying “Yes” to life. It’s a wonderful concept we still stand by. But when something isn’t feeling right in our lives, this means the balance is off. Maybe a little bit of “No” in the right places can cure it. We all have a right to say no to things that do not serve us well. If you do it without dishonor for them and out of respect for yourself, saying no to an icky-feeling recurring situation… Well, goodness... it’s almost as if you were on the brink of creating a mighty fine life for yourself, one pretty darn-conscious decision at a time.

It’s the Little Things that Create the Big Ones

2011-10-31T12:16:00.000-07:00

While many of us are struggling to “survive” during these dynamic, tumultuous times, I think that more than ever we need to grasp the wonder and the richness of simplicity. Basically, boiling our lives down to what matters most to each of us will help our perspective – and priorities – shift to a more manageable place. Trying to have or do it all might just be too ambitious at times, and that pressure alone could be just what’s ailing us.

I recently read that what one average Joe typically does in a day is enough to exhaust the otherworldly beings watching over us. That concept made me stop to consider it and my own ways… Do I frequently applaud myself for getting out of bed in the morning, giving something – anything – my best shot, smiling at a stranger, and being present enough to avoid that indecisive squirrel in the road? Or do I mentally beat myself up for not doing enough? Truth be told – and I doubt I’m alone on this – it’s more often the latter. But what if what we’re doing is enough? What if it’s plenty, or even admirable to beings watching from afar (say, a distant galaxy or couch, for instance)?!

And what if, instead of giving up and being lazy, we’re flat out trying too hard and actually doing less? For example, we’re being inefficient with our efforts because we’re constantly berating ourselves for not doing whatever we are doing well enough… Well, that emotional energy is totally being wasted, and we’re probably pretty exhausted from it. Our other options are to stop worrying already, or just focus on something and do the best we can, come what may.

So lately, instead of hyper-focusing on what I didn’t do, I’ve been going through the motions of patting myself on the back for what I did do. I just journal a few notes a day about what I accomplished, no matter how insignificant or trivial seeming: “Did the dishes, answered the phone, breathed through my anxiety, gave a $1 to the Veteran’s Fund, organized project X notes, etc.” And you know what? That little bit of self-acknowledgment really does help me feel better about the scheme of things in my life. And the “little things” I accomplished? They set me up for where I am today: hitting the pavement on project X running.

So when you think about how ‘It’s the little things in life that count,’ well, you stop under-estimating them and begin letting them exist as if they were the real events in your life.

Exploring Life’s Black Holes

2011-10-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

What are the blockages, the reasons for not falling in love with another, for not falling in love with life, for not falling in love with oneself? If we let our own flaws block our self-love, we may also allow others’ flaws to drown out the love we have for them. And the same goes for life. But are we aware that we’re doing this? Probably not. The truth is that things will haunt us in subtle, small or big ways if we don’t turn to face the villains in our sleeping and waking nightmares. But what happens when we’re the villain?

Unless someone is literally trying to harm us, making them the bad guy, the experience negative, or the fault always someone else’s is not a productive, proactive way to live. But we do the opposite, too, by personalizing every little thing that happens and blaming ourselves for all the imperfections of our relationships, career failures, financial situations, etc. Yes, we have to take responsibility for our actions pertaining to all situations facing us… No, we can’t control the outcomes to these actions, however. The acceptance and calmness we seek is in between these two.

Can you be the perfect mate, perfect employee, perfect parent and perfect friend at all once? Ha, try being the perfect any one thing and see how that works out for you. But can we do the best with what we have to work with? Yes. And that alone may be the highest good anyone can do in a lifetime.

There are slackers, those who won’t take any responsibility for their lives – and there are hyper achievers, those who are never satisfied with their efforts, the results, the actions of others, or their life in general. Letting ourselves be real – flawed without letting those flaws overtake us – is a great gift to oneself. Just as we love our children, pets and partners unconditionally, we can do the same for ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t try to teach our children to be decent people, our pets to pee where they’re supposed to, or our spouses to believe in themselves. There’s just always a gentle balance - say, a grace - to living a life of love without excessive ego.

Everything that happens in life – it all matters, but it’s not the be-all-end-all. We have a bad day because of someone else or we let ourselves feel shame for something we did… The best we can do is explore the situation or feeling, do something to rectify it if possible, put it in a healthy perspective, and then awaken the next morning having forgiven (whether another or ourselves). It’s a challenge to live honestly and humbly while building confidence and courage at the same time. I think this is what they call character. And the fact that you got out of bed this morning sandwiched between the absurdity and divinity of being human is just one more positive step.

Keep rising and shining!

To Be Empowered or Just To Be

2011-09-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

Mind, Body, Spirit, Soul… Parent, Child, Student, Coach… Work, Relationships, Community, Self… Home phone, Cell phone, Pager, Email… Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, Blogger… How do we work with all the aspects of our lives and bring them harmoniously together without feeling fractioned off or buried beneath? How do we make sense of things when they seem to be floating around us haphazardly? How do we see the forest when they’re chopping down the trees? How is it that the more we know, the less we know we know?

With more options come more freedoms, right? With more awareness comes a deeper peace, correct? And with more at our disposal means more manageability, wouldn’t you say? Then why does is not always feel that way? Why does it sometimes feel that in the pursuit of simplicity and authenticity we’re making our lives more complex?

I read recently that human beings are great at making simple things complex. I believe this to be true – because I seem to do it myself - but I wonder why it might be so. Is the complex web we weave just clutter and extraneous stuff not serving us? And is there a way to de-program this default of making things harder than they have to be? Like daily affirmations and yoga stretches, practical tips for getting our ducks in a row, maybe even an emergency mantra for particularly scattered times…

As I write this and put an absurd amount of question marks at the end of my sentences, I realize the peanut butter and banana tortilla wrap in my hand is disappearing into my mouth faster than I can taste it. Being one of the slowest eaters I’ve personally ever met, I pause to consider my unconscious behavior and soon realize that Lesson One seems to literally be at hand.

Recognize when you’re accelerating at an unnecessary pace, if you’re feeling or acting hyper, frantic or anxious. (If you’re feeling overwhelmed, this is probably the case). The trick here is to recognize the growing momentum that doesn’t feel so good and step out of it by becoming present, grounding yourself and feeling the gentle movements of your own heartbeat or nature’s grace, rather than the feverish clamoring of society. That’s all – just stop and breath slower, smell the bouquet of flowers in your grocery cart, hear the music overhead, take a bite out of that baguette and really taste the crunch, the softness, the subtle flavor of bread with nothing smothered on it.

And then later, when we’re more “pulled together” and feeling more “ourselves”, maybe look at what caused us to feel overwhelmed in the first place. If we have too many demands being placed upon us, it’s time for some honest-to-goodness values/goals assessment and re-prioritization. If our sense of overwhelm is being caused by an over-reaction to outer or inner triggers, on the other hand, then we should look at why we’re feeling so vulnerable and why we’re letting our psyche go on autopilot.

The truth is that we typically have a choice in just how connected we are, how we handle those strands of our existence, and when we give them too much power. There is rarely ever a real need to be parent, child, employee and student all at once. How much does the world need for us alone to save it, and come on, is that really possible? – No. Why not practice kindness over competition, creativity over debate, overall goodness over perfection, or whatever contributes to our sense of inner peace? Rather than being something to pursue, as if it’s up ahead or moving faster than us, simplicity is in the now and authenticity is nowhere but within.

More than being accomplished or being the best that we can be, is the trick to life just being fully and honestly in as many moments as we can? I’m starting to think that living up to my potential and leaving a legacy shouldn’t take as much out of me as it does… So maybe if I ease up on the expectations, those things will happen in their own way and in their due course. And if not – if I just leave this planet empty-handed, one day knowing I learned to appreciate it all – well, I think that simple lesson is pretty darn profound.

There’s a Word for That? Thank Goodness!

2011-08-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

I love language - writing it more than speaking it, to be honest. But that’s just because it seems to come out more eloquently on paper for me. In addition, speaking can sometimes take a lot out of me. If I had it my way, in fact, we’d all communicate telepathically. But wouldn’t that open a can of worms? Imagine if we did not/could not censor ourselves. On one hand, we could get into a lot of trouble. On the other hand, wouldn’t communications be more pure and honest?!

Sometimes, I find it difficult to find the right words to express what I’m feeling or experiencing. This can be hardest when I’m having a challenging conversation with someone. The intensity of the emotions paired with a limited means of expression can yield frustration indeed. And that’s certainly not going to make relating any easier.

Yesterday I stumbled upon the word ‘Shenpa’ by accident. My initial reaction was ‘There’s a word for that?!’ while my second reaction was relief. It’s a Buddhist word that doesn’t translate to our vocabulary as well as it does to our actual lived experience. ‘Getting hooked’ is one of the closest translations. But I find that once you match the term ‘shenpa’ to your previously un-named experience, the ‘Ah-ha’ alone can be rather freeing.

Imagine someone comes at you with a particularly condescending tone, or they criticize or even insult you. In a nanosecond you can go from feeling peachy keen to feeling like, well, crap. You feel it deep down, instantaneously – that cold, gray, closing up sensation. For me, it’s like a dark shadow is filling up my insides and making it mighty chilly in there. In addition, armor rapidly forms around me like an impenetrable shield. It can probably be likened to self-preservation or ego blocking, but it doesn’t feel good, nor is it productive.

If someone is not literally coming at us with sticks, stones and swords, our subconscious reaction can be an over-reaction. Often, the person who we blame for turning our warm fuzzies to ash didn’t even mean to do the damage. But regardless what’s happening outside of us, it’s the interior turmoil that is doing most of the damage.

Typically, we are to a large extent responding to things that have happened to us in the past. The comment reminds us of feeling slighted long ago, and our defenses go on high alert. What we’re experiencing internally doesn’t feel good anymore and we just want it to stop. But instead of sitting with the feeling and seeing what it brings up, we tend to lash out or “spin” out cognitively, trying to frantically rationalize our way out of the feeling.
When my husband and I argue, I’m pretty sure it is the shenpa we each experience that puts the stick in the spoke of the bicycle we’re both on.

Now, I haven’t had a chance to test this theory yet, but you can be sure that the next time I clam up and close off because of a hurtful or confusing comment, I’m going to try to stop the momentum myself; put on the breaks, get off the bike and sit on the grass. Then I’m going to attempt exploring the feeling that’s gripped me more like a scientist than a wounded child.

We’ll see what happens. But at least I have a word to put to the feeling now, and I know I’m not alone.

Do You Hide Yourself Away?

2011-07-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

When we feel vulnerable, it is considered a weakened state by our society. But is it, really? Might it depend on what has weakened us and whether it’s an acute or chronic state of being? Let’s examine the more chronic state of vulnerability, as the acute kind is usually situation-specific and remedied by the disappearance of said situation.

If I am made to feel vulnerable by something emotional like grief, it is difficult to accomplish regular tasks, mingle openly with the world, and tend to my life as it was. But is this so bad? Maybe my life needs some re-ordering at this time, and my downtime allows me the self-reflection to do something about it. If I am made vulnerable by something more mental, like an existential or life crisis, I will feel unstable and perhaps frightened of what will come of me and my life. But am I really unsafe? Or is that just my ego talking, and so is this really an opportunity to break through it? If I feel vulnerable in a physical sense – as in an illness – it affects the heart and mind just as much as the body at first. But this is also the fastest way to put things in perspective and see what really and truly matters in our lives.

Sometimes we feel vulnerable from a life event, but it’s not always trauma that causes us to feel this way. I’ve found for instance, that I seem to have a 5-1/2 year cycle of doing and creating, then questioning and breaking down, until re-birth and re-building once again. We all have cycles of growth, coasting and burn out. If we didn’t, we’d probably be going through our lives more like robots, not assessing things periodically to see if they still align with our values and goals. And since we all experience bouts of vulnerability at times, I hope we can see that it’s just another knot on the old tree; that it’s part of the life experience, and so should be respected, accepted and perhaps talked about once in a while so we can learn to feel safer even within that rupturing, wounded, temporary state of being.

In her book When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chrodron says that true awakening is letting ourselves die over and over again. Of course the dying is really the false assumptions, beliefs and needs we’ve acquired over time thinking they’ll protect us. Instead of shielding us, however, they keep us trapped in illusion. Feeling this exposed and vulnerable is not how we tend to want to feel, but this raw state is a sign of authentic being and honest living. Going out into the world with our defenses smashed to pieces – while we may feel unsteady and transparent – is basically living through the fear. Awareness plus Humility plus Presence equals Courage.
How do you feel about yourself now?

When It All Comes Crashing Down...

2011-05-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I had what seemed to me like a mini nervous breakdown. There was a lot going on in my life and there were decisions I needed to make that I wasn’t yet clear about. More specifically, there were longtime work stressors, mounting wedding pressures and a sudden pet illness at the forefront. I was going along “handling” it all, I thought, until something rather small reared its little head and took me over the deep end. It wasn’t really about the situation itself, but rather my exaggerated emotional reaction to something not significant in the scheme of things. Deep down, I knew I was probably blowing it out of proportion, but my emotions had the better of me and I was a little bit beside myself. The combined emotions from all the events were festering and there were too many of them to manage, so I sort of lost my cool.

Once it was “safe” (out of the public’s eye), I let myself feel the emotions for a while. I had to honor them in order to eventually put them in perspective. I was then able to explore those feelings with a calmer, clearer head. And it didn’t take long for me to realize what the most chronic stressor was. So not wanting a repeat of said “losing it” situation, I had to admit that I had some control over the stressor and recognized that it was time to finally do something about it.

While it wasn’t the most acute emotional situation at hand out of all the things weighing on me, it was the shadow that had been lingering for far too long, and this decision made everything else easier to deal with. So in a sense, I can thank that little mid-life crisis and the temporary cracking of my character for giving me a literally new outlook on my life. Things have been much better since (phew!).

What I experienced that day was probably more like an anxiety attack than a nervous breakdown, but if I hadn’t stopped to consciously evaluate the situation, things would have only gotten worse. Sometimes, when life’s challenges, emotions and beliefs go ignored and unexplored, the pressure literally becomes too much to bear. There is a point of no return when we cannot regain the trust that we had prior; Thus, we can no longer fully engage life.

When we are able to learn something from our crisis and move beyond it, however, this is when we break through boundaries rather than breaking down. Sometimes the difference between the two is simply being able and willing to see the signs of trouble ahead. If we deny how we’re feeling or what we need for too long, something’s eventually going to have to give. On the other hand, if we regularly get in touch with and honor ourselves enough to accept our feelings and question outdated beliefs about the way things are “supposed” to be, life can move forward and we can go along more willingly and honestly.

Messy Dreams - Can They Bring Order to Life?

2011-04-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

I had a series of dreams the other night where people had good intentions, but ended up causing more chaos than comfort. Even though our car went off the road, our accommodations were cold and disorganized, and our pre-arranged plans became hindered and monotonous, no one seemed to care but me.

Although it was supposed to be a fun occasion - I think it was my birthday - nothing was as it should be. Everything felt foreign, I was too far from home, and yet I had little control. Although I was grateful for their efforts, I really wanted to take the reins and chart a new course. But everyone was too busy - unconsciously wrapped up in the unnecessary chaos – to notice my growing desperation and attempts at getting everyone’s attention.

So while I was the ‘guest of honor’ in these dreams, why did I feel so invisible??

Upon waking, the dreams didn’t specifically seem to relate to any part of my life. But because they were weighing on my mind, I figured I’d better ask: Where in my life might I feel this way? Where in my life could I be feeling helpless to the events that transpire? Where in my life might I be feeling invisible (and not even know it)? Where in my life might I need to take more initiative and exert more control?

Although these dreams were rather unpleasant – and especially because they didn’t at first feel significant to me – I figured I’d better explore them further. In writing my impressions of the dreams now, I see certain word choices standing out and resonating with me. Because it’s not literally about my mom driving the car off the road, being inconvenienced, or my husband choosing a boring place to hang out. It’s about how I felt about these events, which translates to how I currently feel about something in my life.

So I break it down. What’s with the car going off the road? We didn’t end up being in any danger, but I was worried about damage to the car and was peeved that my mother wasn’t being as responsible and aware as usual. So what did these feelings make me want to do? Take the wheel and more deliberately steer my own life.

How about the lack of luxury when we were supposed to be in the lap of luxury? What really bothered me was the lack of hominess and comfort. I wasn’t where I belonged, I knew it, and yet I felt trapped since my loved ones all seemed so content. While this could be over-interpreted as me needing an entire life overhaul, sometimes dreams communicate to us in exaggerated and dramatic ways so we’ll take notice. It could have just been a reminder that I know best about what feels right to me, regardless what others around me are thinking or doing.

And finally, the old standard hangout and birthday “celebration” void of any fun… I was simply downright bored, but didn’t feel in control of where I was or what I was doing. Again, the word “control” comes up. While it can have a negative connotation – as in someone being ‘over-controlling’ and unable to go with the flow – perhaps I am under-utilizing my own ability to control something in my life; something that needs some facilitating and mastering. It could also just be that I’m bored with some aspect of our social life and need to think outside the box to freshen it.

As for the birthday reference, birthdays are a celebration of someone’s life, a reminder of the innocence and purity they were born with, a call back to one’s true essence, perhaps. And it just so happens that like never before, I am deliberately designing my life based on this essence. It is an experiment in faith and meaning, passion and personal power… And so it is imperative that I - as the re-affirmed captain of this ship - take the wheel, steer the course, make the executive decisions… and take time to plan my own celebrations once in a while!

When It's So Absurd You Just Have to Laugh

2011-02-28T14:34:00.000-08:00

In keeping with the theme of our last blog entry – and because we aren’t sure if the rash of unfortunate events surrounding our marketing postcard has fully subsided yet – we wanted to delve a little deeper into mischievous mythological territory. Speaking of Leprechauns and Menehune and volatile little things that never fully show themselves, Stephen brought up the Trickster archetype and “things that can go either way in life.”
What exactly is a Trickster, anyway? Loosely I knew what it meant, but was curious to uncover more, especially because I’d felt I was at the butt of several of its recent antics. And I wondered where exactly it originates from - whether the individual’s psyche, the collective conscious, the powers that be, the creative life force itself, or something I couldn’t yet comprehend.

Reading Trickster Makes This World: Mischief, Myth & Art by Lewis Hyde, if I had to choose one word to describe the Trickster, I’d say it equates with “uncertainty”. And isn’t that one particular word we tend to find hard to swallow in life?
The trickster symbolizes “the playful and disruptive side of the human imagination” as it is embodied in mythology. This makes sense to me. But Tricksters as “indispensable culture heroes”? I didn’t yet see it.

In North America, the Trickster is represented by the Coyote, in West Africa it is called ‘Eshu’, in Greece Hermes the Thief is the scapegoat, and to the western world Mercury (as in Mercury retrograde) is both trickster and teacher. Of course there are more: Raven, Vampire, Fox, Dragon, Joker, Jester, etc. What the Trickster has in common: It creates ambiguity and messiness to make this life imperfect. It is “the wild, creative genius that breaks up static institutions and saves humanity with archetypal merriment” (Robert Aitken). Aka, “subversive innovation”.

The Trickster represents confusion, blurred lines and space, that which is un-certain; leaving us always a little bit on edge. Tricksters are boundary crossers, boundary keepers and boundary changers. We create boundaries – because they make us feel safer – and Coyote or Eshu comes along in the night and moves the markers.
Tricksters are voracious wanderers whose appetites are never quite satisfied and whose home can be likened to the wind itself. Curiously, they are mostly male. In this regard it can be surmised that the world’s cultures mainly recognize the Trickster as male because they cannot give birth and therefore cannot become confined or defined by their own creations.

In a paradoxical sense, Tricksters act as “creators of culture” by stealing gifts from the heavens and giving them to humans. And yet they also break down certain rigid parts of that very culture. When you view this in a big-picture way, they “continue to keep our world lively and give it the flexibility to endure” by “uncover(ing) and disrupt(ing) the very things that cultures are based on.” The Trickster, according to Jung, is an aspect of the shadow archetype, at least in its negative traits. It has the ability to… “play havoc with the hyper-rational personality and community."

Although unwelcome annoyances at times, the Trickster is not seeking to do harm for the sake of doing harm itself. He recognizes that good and bad go together ; that yin and yang make a harmonious paradox, a paradoxical harmony, an eloquent contradiction that is just life itself.

In the highest sense, Tricksters “open the road to possible new worlds.” And although there are consequences to this, if we try to bind, suppress or deny the Trickster, even worse consequences will likely ensue. There is simply no sense fighting a strong current that will eventually get bored or distracted by some greater endeavor and move on. Trickster is a natural part of life, in order for life to go on creatively and free itself from the rigid forms a society tends to create. Frustrating as the tricks can be, little bits of freedom along the way are the ultimate gifts.

In reading the descriptions and discussions on the Trickster as portrayed by Hyde, I realized I like the Trickster and have some trickster in my blood myself. So does that mean I caused all those disruptions to our project? Or that I should simply honor the Trickster’s motives... which were.... well, who ever really knows?! To keep my eyes open to new ways of doing things? To not be trapped by expectation – my own or others’? To not take it all so seriously? To let myself fail? To let the Trickster in me come out to play? To let go of the outcome because I was too invested? Or Maybe there just became too many different sets of ‘rules’ I had to play by with this project, and maybe Hermes stepped in as one obstacle after another to get the ball rolling another direction.

Pondering the Trickster mythology makes me think of clowns... how adverse many adults are to them. I always assumed it was simply because clowns tend to have an appearance that unnerves us. But clowns also engage in activities that make us uncomfortable. For instance, they wear a “mask”, so to speak, and we don’t like when people hide behind things because we can’t fully see what we’re in for. Clowns also tend to pull foreign objects out of their sleeves or our ears, and we don’t like these little annoying surprises. But is the clown really just a trickster in human form, someone who teases us just enough to get a rise out of us, maybe hoping we’ll relax, let go, and laugh at ourselves? And what happens if we actually stop to partake in some nonsensical play? Will it all come crashing down or perhaps vibrate the unused china just to the edge of the hutch?

The answer to that, says the Magic 8-Ball, “Reply hazy – try again.”

{Coyote artist uknown}

Life Sometimes Equals Snafus

2011-02-14T11:23:00.000-08:00

I would call myself creative, but not necessarily artistic. I would call myself capable and determined, but I also have my limits. Sometimes, no matter our intentions or efforts, things don’t work out how we planned. And sometimes, those things are small, but nonetheless significant to our lives.

For instance. Stephen and I have been designing some marketing material to announce our new and expanded services at Middle Way Health. We were having fun mixing professional details with free-form imagination. And in theory, everything was hunky dory; even glorious in minute ways. We liked what we’ve created so far, we felt accomplished, and we were happy to move onto a new project. Life requires momentum and we were riding this particular wave rather effortlessly.

Until… the rocks beneath the mighty ocean of life began to reveal themselves, preventing the harmony I envisioned in my head from duplicating itself on paper.

Sometimes, approaching things with an innocent or fresh perspective can yield wondrous results. At other times, the child inside needs some reassurance. For just as we were getting ready to go to print, we found out that the images we’ve extracted and glued together are not compatible or appropriate for print layout.

“Ok, no problem, still do-able,” I think, not pushing the panic button and still genuinely hopeful. So the determined and optimistic side of me attempts to get new images and put those together just like I had the old ones. But it turns out that the online publisher we’re using needs the images in a different format yet. So I go back to my sources and attempt to secure the altered ones. But while I’m able to open those, I can’t edit or thus utilize them the way I need to. In addition, I’m still having a compatibility issue that can’t be rectified unless one of the images is totally recreated. And that’s only about half of the snafus that keep swimming by and nipping at my toes.

On one hand, the life-experienced adult in me can laugh at the absurdity. Terms like ‘Murphy’s Law’ and ‘Comedy of Errors’ come to mind as I scratch my head and wonder how I could have avoided this conundrum in the first place. But if I had foreseen this potential trouble and sidestepped the project altogether, I wouldn’t have lived it and now been richer for the experience. (At least that’s how I have to look at the situation – without too much ‘Oh, woe is me, why is this happening?!’ lamenting, with some flexible focus, and a compromising meeting of the minds with my project partner.

Certainly, I would have preferred it all go as smoothly as planned. But I know I’m only somewhat in charge of what happens in life. So I put my best foot forward and stubbed a toe – it happens sometimes. And at least I’m one step closer than I was before, even if in a ‘one step forward, two steps back’ kind of way.

How will this all turn out? Literally, hopefully with some marketing materials we can at least live with. Reactively, hopefully not afraid to try something new in the future. And figuratively, hopefully with us wiser for the wear. Wise enough at least, to know that the planets do not always align in our favor, that there is a black hole for laundry socks somewhere, and that tricksters are always in our midst.

(The folklore of many nations around the world include stories of magical little people, like the Leprechauns of Ireland. In Hawaii, it is the mischievous Menehune who are said to haunt the deep forests or the mountains. They come out mostly at night to play tricks on people.)

Resolutions & Intentions: Why 'The Secret' Isn’t Enough

2011-01-21T04:34:00.000-08:00

In general, people seem to be happy about the New Year. What’s not to like about a fresh start? Before talking about our goals for the days, weeks and months to come, however, my husband and I took some time to reflect on what we’d accomplished in 2010. To our surprise, much of what we’d hoped to create, inspire or experience actually manifested (or the momentum was at least ignited).

Having an idea of what we want our lives to be like is essential for helping to steer them in the right direction. Being mindful of our goals and setting intentions are key ingredients for the laws of attraction. But we can’t stop there. We can’t put our wishes out there and then sit idly waiting for our dreams to come to us. But then, neither should we push so aggressively that we don’t allow life to unfold naturally. Life, in general, has to go on in order for our desires to become infused with energy.

At Middle Way Health we strive to create some structure for our goals, meanwhile also being open, flexible and balanced. The structure is the framework from which our goals can manifest, but our dreams need more than nails and 2-by-4s. We need to leave some open, undesignated space in which the unknowns or unexpected can unfold. The balance is created by accepting the limbo we’re in and seeing it as potential in motion.

Last weekend, Stephen led a ‘Four Wheels of the Chariot’ meditation retreat, based on ‘The Four Chariots of Spiritual Practice’. The four wheels represent mindfulness, relaxation, friendliness, and spaciousness.

• Mindfulness is making the decision to pay attention to something (Intention)
• Relaxation requires easing into the blending of our intention and current life circumstances, as well as easing into our body
• Friendliness is having non-judgment about what occurs (not always so easy to do), along with a sense of warmth
• And Spaciousness is leaving room for possibilities (sometimes different or even greater than we had envisioned)

Most of us are familiar with the book and movie ‘The Secret’. But it’s not the only “secret” we need to know. Being mindfully present and stopping at intention is not enough. We can formulate our goals in our head and “put them out there,” so to speak, but we can’t stop there. We also need relaxation of body, not just mind. In a sense, we have to trust that things will work out (even if it’s different than we’d hoped) and actually embody this faith in the processes of life. Otherwise, intention alone can become like a demand – and nobody likes to be commanded.

If you say, for instance, that you’re going to lose 20 lbs, but you don’t embody it – actually see the results and begin to feel the desire with your physical body – you are ignoring the importance of your full role in the process. Mindfulness alone is like a unicycle – only one person/thing can get on it. With a chariot, however, we can transport several people or entities at once, and our experience becomes multi-faceted rather than singularly-focused.

Typically, nothing much happens if we just sit and wait. We have to at least stay in the stream of life and go with the flow when it feels right. Like floating on an air mattress in a pool, we should relax into it and enjoy the subtle movements, but if we stop moving our arms and legs completely or for too long, we’ll end up stagnant in a corner with the gathering leaves.

Mindfulness is more than being present. It is remembering what we’re doing. And remembering – although cognitive - implies action. Action in the sense that we have purpose and a drive to engage in our lives no matter what the current circumstances.

Happy 2011!

Magical Words and Evolutionary Leaps

2011-01-06T14:55:00.001-08:00

Sometimes we have to play with words in order to get where we want to go but have yet to fully define. This includes opening the mind and letting it “play” in the realm of possibility (aka, brainstorming). Words are important, but sometimes we (ok, I) get lazy and let the same overused words define us. But since we’re always evolving, so should our language evolve to represent where we are and where we want to go. Using the same old words to describe ourselves and our lives can keep us stuck in the past. Therefore, words have great power and that power can be harnessed.

In thinking about the new programs at Middle Way Health, Stephen and I took some time to figure out how best to convey our message genuinely and in entirety. Sometimes a word works just fine, but doesn’t feel fully encompassing. For instance, while we’re “expanding” our services, there’s really more to it than that. The expansion of services is a symbol for how Middle Way Health and its practitioners are evolving. The word ‘expanding’ for me conjures images of waist sizes around the holidays - and while it’s an adequate word - when we’re designing our future, I don’t think we should stop at “adequate”.

When we think of the changes at Middle Way Health, we see movement in all directions, so “growth” and “radiating” feel like fuller, better-rounded words to describe the progress under way. And since they evoke more holistic images in my head, that means more potential too.

Yet new services offered aren’t the only changes at Middle Way Health. There’s also our relationship with our clients, colleagues and prospective clients. Just as any kind of therapy requires some effort on both the practitioner and patient’s part, Middle Way Health is a place of interaction. We want people to get involved, participate, connect and perhaps link with others. This kind of holistic environment is created within sacred space - that atmosphere in which we can all let down our guards and be our authentic selves – and it creates more of the same. From this freedom come transformation and a blossoming of who we are, both individually and collectively.

A strong sense of who we are (or want to be) and how to best interact with the world then allows us to generate both confidence and compassion, and exude both vulnerability and empowerment. This personal branching out encourages others to show their true colors and figure out what it will take for them to blossom as well. We’re all role models for one another.

The core values of Middle Way Health have not changed; they are now simply more encompassing. Fostering awareness, empowerment, healing, creative expression, transformation and connection, Middle Way Health is a place where all of these things can converge. As a center for healing, creativity and growth, we all aim to thrive, not just survive.

The Journey of Journaling

2010-12-10T08:14:00.000-08:00

When it comes to journaling, I’ve always had a tendency to write when confused, upset or seeking something. When everything seems hunky dory, my journal often sits collecting dust. Nowadays, I do more gratitude writing, brain storming and dream designing in my journals than lamenting, but it’s still a great problem solver for me and even better listener. Journaling is very much a tool for me these days, and it morphs along with me as I grow, changing both my life and perspective.

When sad or lost as a little girl, poetry was an accepting way to just get the feelings out. I was never much of a story writer until later in life and after some serious adult soul searching. I was more often than not embarrassed to re-read what I’d written, but even then I knew it served a good purpose. Maybe now that I’ve been writing for a living, I sometimes work my issues out through my projects. But not always.

Recent topics in my journal, which is really just a lined notebook where I scribble ideas and ask open-ended questions, include thoughts on what’s missing in my life. As a newly-married woman with no plans for children, that leaves my life more wide open than I thought it would be at this point. There’s a certain amazing freedom to that, which I can appreciate. And yet, sometimes we need some boundaries so we know where to begin walking and in which direction to head.

I’ve been dreaming of little travels lately ( I say “little” because I don’t want to be away from home for too long) and wondering how I can pair that with my writing career. It dawned on me last night that I can’t wait for the journey to come to me; I have to go to it. Meaning, I have to risk something in order to gain. If I allow myself to branch out literally in my life, won’t that ripple into other areas? Won’t I undoubtedly have more to write about, and thus be more motivated to find outlets for those experiences?

I’m hopeful, and I guess that’s good enough for now.

Responsiveness v. Non-Responsiveness

2010-11-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

Stephen is a fairly extroverted person so he likes being with people, doing projects with others, and staying regularly connected. But he has a busy practice that can command much of his attention, so he’s not always as accessible as he’d like to think he is. Sometimes when friends and colleagues call him during a busy day he finds himself saying, “I’ll call you right back.” But he doesn’t, and then they get frustrated, and he ends up feeling guilty.

Why does he say it if he doesn’t mean it? It’s not that he doesn’t want to call people back. Sometimes he’s just overwhelmed and sometimes there’s really no need for a call back. But he’s the one who left it wide open, so why does he do it?

When there’s a dichotomy in one’s life, there’s always an underlying issue (although figuring out exactly what that issue is, is not always easy). That issue in this case could be Right Speech: ‘Say what you mean, mean what you say.’ But sometimes Stephen is just giving himself time to think about what’s been posed. Sometimes, it’s simply something he doesn’t want to have to deal with it at that time. But what if they want a more immediate response? There’s a rift between someone who’s ready and someone who’s not. So is the real issue: ‘Timing: My readiness does not always equal your readiness’?

How responsive do we have to be in this day and age of constant, multiple means of communication? How much do we owe it to others to respond in a certain manner? And when we don’t respond in a “timely” fashion or even respond at all, what is that saying? Are we unable to be present and focus on the issue at hand? Are we feeling overwhelmed by all that is coming at us? Are we asserting our independence and boundaries by in essence saying, “I’ll deal with it when I can deal with it”? Just because someone wants our attention – does that mean we are obligated to give it??

Is there really a concrete right and wrong answer to this? No. And so we are always juggling with and struggling through these conundrums in life. Stephen could, however, formulate a more honest, self-affirming answer when put in these situations, something like: “I’m really not sure when I can get back to you on this but I appreciate the thought.” It might not appease the person on the other end of the line, but hopefully Stephen is not left feeling so guilty for his non-responsiveness. There’s simply no perfect or complete fix in situations like these. In the big picture it doesn’t perfect the web we weave throughout life, but it might untangle one small part. In this case, only Stephen really knows. Well, him… and each person he’s meeting head on - or not.

Welcome to the 'Heart & Soul' Blog!

2010-11-15T08:24:00.000-08:00

We haven’t yet officially introduced Middle Way Health’s ‘Heart & Soul’ Blog, but since we just unveiled our new website - www.MiddleWayHealth.com – there’s no time like the present. Middle Way Health offers holistic healthcare such as Psychotherapy, Hypnotherapy and Shamanic Healing, while new healing modalities being offered include Health and Wellness Advocacy and Expressive Writing Coaching. As well, under the umbrella of Middle Way Health, Middle Way Institute offers workshops and training designed to bring meaning and balance back into our lives.

‘Heart & Soul: Falling in Love with the World Again’ is a way for us to express our personal experiences with the challenges and inspirations of life. We know that it’s not always easy being in love with the world or our own lives, and yet we also know how important a dose of realism is in accepting what we can and cannot control.

Why do we call it “Falling in Love with the World Again?” Because each of us at times has fallen out of love with our existence due to betrayal, loss, depression, bewilderment, etc. But residing at the hopeless end of the spectrum – the one where we’re pessimistically reactive or inactive – isn’t going to invite the good stuff back in. While we don’t expect anyone to go from zero to 60 in love, practicing the art of accepting what comes to us will lead us in the right direction. After all, we’re here, we’re putting some effort into this thing called life… so we might as well go through the motions with the intention of finding or creating something worthwhile.

Try this on for size: Decide to say “Yes” to the world for a while. Just accept whatever comes at you and deal with it the best way you can. People don’t realize how much they’re saying “No”, or at best “Maybe” to what unfolds for them and this resistance to life is halting the natural process. Because if we’re always saying “No” or “Maybe”, we’re going to get the same in return – negativity and ambivalence.

We’ve all been hurt by people, situations, etc., and we may wonder if it’s even possible to fall in love again after betrayal or devastation. It depends a lot on what you believe and what you want out of life, but we certainly believe it’s possible. You just have to make the conscious choice to take a risk and believe it’s worth it. Sure, you may never forget the betrayal or get a guarantee that it’ll never happen again, but love/life is always there, hoping you’ll give it a second, third and fourth chance. We’re not calling it ‘Heart & Soul: Minimizing Your Risk’, after all. We know it’s a struggle because we struggle too. And we’ll share our challenges with you here, so keep an eye peeled for our adventures!

Within the blog we will also inform you about what we’re up to at Middle Way Health. For instance, we’re currently writing a novel (Something So Obvious) that will become the backdrop to a series of workshops called the Middle Way Training. In the meantime, many of the themes and philosophies within the book will be subject-matter for our blog entries because they represent universal challenges that affect us all. Feel free to send us ideas, questions and comments. We look forward to hearing from you.

Here’s to a Spirited Life (bumps, roadblocks and all) ~ Stephen, Melanie, Sabrina & Judy

What's it Like Being a (fill in the blank)?

2010-07-07T14:35:00.000-07:00

…Psychotherapist, Writing Coach, Shamanistic Healer, or (fill in the blank)? What goes on behind the eyes of a health practitioner? What thoughts whirl around the inside of the mind?

Often, when we can’t relate to something someone does, the mystery can be disconcerting and we may feel self conscious. It can also be intriguing if we are open to the unknown. But shedding light on some of the obscurity can put us at ease, and we might feel a little wiser, a little less mesmerized by that which seems so unfamiliar.

I’m a writer, photographer and writing coach. I can tell you what it’s like to be any one of these things from my perspective, but I have no clue what it’s like being a psychotherapist or hypnotist. Because of what I do, I’m in my head a lot – feelings, impressions and ideas lead to thoughts, words and images – which then often lead back to ideas, impressions and feelings.

When I’m helping someone else write a book or any sort of writing project, however, while I’m still thinking, I’m not as much in my own head as I am trying to be in theirs. And as long as they are open to sharing their experiences with me, it’s a fun challenge putting myself in someone else’s world. Usually, I learn something about people in general that I never knew. Usually, I also learn things that we have in common. Therefore, by sharing feelings, thoughts, ideas, words and images with one another, something that once seemed to escape my comprehension is now within my grasp and something that seemed foreign is now comfortably close. Understanding others in turn makes me a better writer. But perhaps more importantly, the gap between me and the rest of the world narrows.

In essence, by helping others understand and express themselves, I better understand and express myself. I don’t see myself as the ‘expert’ and my clients as ‘students’. We all have something to teach each other, something for show and tell, and something to learn from our peers. Sometimes, it is simply my perspective that can help open someone else up to a broader reality that has more potential than the one before. And then I offer suggestions for practice which can help them remain in that space.

In order to write or help others write I have to open myself up. That can be a vulnerable place for anyone. But if we all come to the table with honest and good intentions, we’ll all leave with more of the good stuff, and more to offer others.

What’s it like writing? Exhilarating, laborious, inspiring, comforting, confusing and almost always enlightening. What’s it like helping others tell their story? Exhilarating, laborious, inspiring, comforting, confusing and almost always enlightening. One way or another, I always come away better for the wear. If we’ve opened ourselves up at all, we can’t help but to have learned something. And then we’re in a slightly different place than we were before.

Finding Self and Love

2010-07-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

Why are there so many movies that end in that fairytale way? With the main character finding true love and happily ever after just naturally occurring from that moment on? Is it because it really happens this way, because we want it to happen like this but it doesn’t or because it is a partial truth?

Do people find themselves and then true love or vice versa? Is there a formula that works for everyone or does it happen differently for each person?

Are finding oneself and true love synonymous? Do they tend to go hand in hand? Are they symbols of one another or complement each other in the highest way?

And if you do find yourself and your true love, is that the actual ‘end’ of the fairytale? Or just a continuation of the journey?

In my experience, wanting to find oneself and one’s truth – being on a quest for it and nothing less – is the best and quickest way to also find one’s true love. Because without knowing and accepting one’s truth/identity, you can’t know and accept the truth/identity of another; without being true to oneself first, one cannot be completely true to another.

Yet finding oneself is not a process that ever really ends. It’s an ongoing journey that is both heightened and softened by the love of another. Life goes on once the couple rides off into the sunset, as they continually learn how to love and respect each other as well as themselves. The journey together is the happily ever after, although there will be challenges that come in other forms and continue to plague or challenge the ‘happily’. It’s the getting through this with awareness and grace that brings you back to the ‘happily’. It’s just that there’s no permanent state of happy or promise of a halt of change. Realizing this eases the pain of morphing through it all.

But what about finding true love before one truly knows oneself? Is this possible?
There are probably an infinite number of formulas for living, so one’s own path is a unique journey that can look very different from another’s. As long as one is open, anything is possible. The opening to and joining with another is often the catalyst to self-discovery.

Style, Fashion & Possessions as Windows to the Soul

2010-07-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

We all shop, but why? We shop because we need things. But mostly, we shop because we want things. But not just things. We also want experiences. We shop to obtain things that will ready us for certain events and situations, and we shop to create certain experiences and feelings. Often the things we buy are just symbols for what we want to experience and who we are inside.

I go through periods where my shopping is really frantic. It doesn’t take Einstein to figure out that my life also feels frantic during these times, but we do have to stop and pay attention to our lives in order to uncover these hidden gems of genius. When I do this I realize that if my life feels frantic, nothing – not even shopping – is going to make it better. I have to make it better from the inside out, not cover it up like a band-aid on a booboo or distract myself with bright shiny objects.

Right now, I’m in a nesting phase. I’m shopping for things to fill my home with, things that radiate a soothing warmth, casual comfort and laissez faire atmosphere… because… I want my life to radiate soothing warmth, casual comfort and laissez faire sense of things.

Lama Jinpa is in the process of moving, and he’s experiencing some unpleasant late-blooming buyer’s remorse, or what I call ‘Object Overload’. “I’m looking around at all this stuff we have to move… At one point we wanted all this stuff… Now it’s all just shit. Now we’re moving and it’s just a hassle. It’s hijacked us and now it owns us.”

You have to know him to understand his sense of humor and get that he doesn’t take things too seriously. But he does bring up a good point – There are times when what we want becomes a hindrance, appearing like not just one monkey on our back but a whole load of incessantly-squawking, bouncing-up-and-down, finger-meddling monkeys that are in fact and in truth just the lot of possessions we’ve collected so passionately one by one.

But passion, too, is a curious thing. Are we passionate because we crave things outside of ourselves or because we long to share ourselves with the world? Are we passionate because we feel something is missing and we want to obtain it badly or because we have all these emotions inside of us simply needing outlets and expression?

Having you ever wanted something so badly you couldn’t concentrate on anything else? And did that passion ever fade away slowly and quietly or quickly with a thud? Lama Jinpa wants a pair of snakeskin boots he saw at Shoefly. And he’s now walking around in them. But if you don’t see them on his feet it’s because he’s only imagining that he’s wearing them. And he’s doing such a good job at it that he might not actually have to go out and buy any. Because sometimes, the pleasure is all in the mind.

Betrayal Vs. Trust

2010-07-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

Being or feeling betrayed really sucks, doesn’t it? It’s just one of those feelings that rocks both our inner and outer world. The shock of thinking we know the person, and so by extension ourselves – but discovering that we don’t – is enough to make us question “it all”. And worse than being worked over is that we then second-guess ourselves. So nothing is secure in the world. We feel we can’t or shouldn’t trust. We perhaps even retaliate to make someone else feel as crappy as we do.

But the key to betrayal is in how we react to it.
The upset of our lives and emotions by betrayal often causes us to come up with a brand new sense of who we are. But this is a healthy response. We are dynamic beings who thrive from learning, growing and evolving. So everything we experience can and should be utilized as a learning opportunity.

An unhealthy reaction on the other hand would be keeping the same sense of self but armoring up to protect ourselves from further attack or betrayal, or even strategizing to ensure we are never caught exposed again. The problem with this is that if we refuse to ever be vulnerable again, we become a closed system that cannot change and improve. And by creating and living from certain “operating systems” designed to shield and protect us, we are under an illusion of ‘control’ and don’t accept that our experiences are life’s way of nudging us to evolve.

Being a little bit fragile and sensitive sometimes is a good thing. It means you’re alive, for one. But it also means you’re human and that you’re healing. During healing we need to nurture – not harden – ourselves, because it is actually by stiffening up that more scarring occurs.
Be wary of extremes in reaction; they mean we are out of balance.

How do you deal with disappointment and betrayal? This says a lot about a person. Seeking answers and remaining open can make one a little foolish, but we have to be willing to be somewhat foolish at times – full of innocent ‘wonder’ – in order to grow in the healthiest sense. If you are too afraid to look foolish you are trying to control too much about your life. It is a façade to think that we can keep it all together 100% of the time. If someone else appears to be able to do that, don’t buy into the grass being greener. Optimism is one thing; but refusing to accept that we all have challenges to overcome is more detrimental than sometimes admitting you just don’t know what you’re doing. How refreshing, and relieving, is it when someone is as real as they can be?!

Who doesn’t want to trust another? It’s human nature and is necessary for relating and building relationships. We can’t get close to others without trusting. And we can’t achieve or be all we can be without others in our lives. It’s just that occasionally our tendency to trust is put in check.

We’ve all been “screwed over” on some level and in some way by friends, lovers, parents, society… We’ve all felt lost at times and reacted like a victim, failing to see the big picture; that the reality to life is that there is a darkness paired with the light, another side to the coin, a yin to the yang. We’ve all at times questioned ourselves, felt we “should have known better, cursed our own intelligence for betraying us.

But the reality is: Shit happens.

While a survivor is someone who learns coping skills, real thriving is coming up with a new sense of who we are in an even more inclusive world; a world that is, yes, full of jerks, mishaps and mosquitoes… but is all in all still a pretty good place to be.

And as for those who could care less about who they hurt, if we refuse to put up with their selfish nonsense, they’ll be stuck with their own shit as their very own self-created punishment, self-imposed hell. Karma, baby. As for the non-vindictive folks that we are, we’ll eventually have to get to the forgiveness. Because we have to let go of what’s harmed us in order to finally stop the bleeding.

BUDDHISM & PSYCHOTHERAPY: Conversing Candidly with Lama Jinpa

2010-07-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

Lama Yeshe Jinpa is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Midtown. He’s also a Buddhist teacher and is working on a novel. While Stephen Walker is his western name, his Dharma (or Buddhist) name is Lama Yeshe Jinpa. Lama means ‘teacher’, Yeshe means ‘transcendent awareness’ and Jinpa is ‘generosity’. While it’s traditional to call him ‘Lama la’ for short, Lama Jinpa works just fine too.

“Pairing Buddhism and psychotherapy is not at all uncommon, especially on the Coast, back East and in the UK,” Lama Jinpa tells me. He wants to reach people with not just therapeutic techniques, but meditative as well. “I’ve been practicing some sort of Dharma practice for a long time. It’s been a lifelong kind of path.”

“I have a deep appreciation for people of other persuasions and religions,” He adds, but knows that “there are a lot of people with tons of guilt who are wondering if they’re good people. Or they may even feel broken inside.” So a lot of people “get spiritual” with him, he says. He offers an environment in which “they feel safe to open up,” and he provides the skills to help them in return.

As for why he’s been on a lifelong path toward integrating Dharma and psychotherapy, Lama la explains that he grew up Presbyterian and enjoyed going to church. But then his father passed away when he was 11. “That started me wondering what was going on, and my church couldn’t answer all my questions. So I became a rather serious kid, studying philosophy and books on personal existential crises until stumbling on some Buddhist books, which immediately made sense to me.”

Then, when he went to Japan with his family as a teenager and “felt a very close affinity with the temples there,” thus began the forming of his Buddhist identity.” His quest wasn’t about being bored and seeking things because of it. He simply had questions needing answers and wanted greater understanding of his own life.

Fully embracing not just the spiritual but the practical too, Lama la continues, “You can be on the spiritual path, but there are many things that also have to be worked out on the personal level. You can’t use your spiritual practice to avoid everyday life. I think you have to deal with the practicalities of being someone in this society. There’s an absolute level (spiritual) and a relative level (life). They both exist. And people need someone to talk to about personal issues.”

I mention a dream that just bubbled to the surface from something Yeshe Jinpa has said, and he tells me that he likes working with dreams. “The point is not to wake up so we don’t dream anymore. You wake up to the dream. That’s mindfulness. Waking up to the dream-like nature of the world.”

“People come in for all reasons,” he continues, “situational, traumatic, really deep existential reasons… I like just common problems too. There’s nothing wrong with helping people through regular suffering.” Lama la also sees more couples nowadays than he ever has before. But his bottom line when it comes to therapy is this: “It’s not a path of perfection. I think people need a living teacher to have permission to get off that rat race kind of thing.”

And his reality is this: “There isn’t a situation or diagnosis I haven’t worked with. And I don’t think therapy or Dharma is just for the upper crust of elite. Being present with loving kindness and empathy for others and ourselves – something happens, something’s liberated. Without the generosity of spirit, nothing really happens.”

The “transpersonal and practical is where the spark happens… There’s a spark, an energy connection, a transfer of energy… a healing that arises” And it “heals on both sides – I just don’t get burned out.”

In fact, he seems to be constantly expanding and enriching. Lama Jinpa gives Middle Way Training workshops (designed from his own blend of Buddhism and psychotherapy) that help people balance, heal and improve their lives. He’s also working on his first book, Something So Obvious, which is a spiritual fiction adventure story, as well as a subsequent book Zen and the
Art of Shopping.

He’s a busy man with as much vision as he has compassion. And it’s how he blends the two that equips him to help others in both intimate settings and greater good ways. Lama Jinpa/Stephen B. Walker, MA, LMFT, can be reached at swalker@middlewayhealth.com or (916) 492-9007. His office is located at Middle Way Health, 1809 19th Street, lower unit, Sacramento, CA 95811].

Collaboration

2010-07-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

When I headed out to meet Lama Jinpa for our regular Tuesday meeting it was a cold teaser of a morning, with the sun trying to get through the hazy clouds after a weeklong storm spell. When LJ greeted me at the threshold of his office, I noticed he was wearing all black and a lot more hair than this time last year. It didn’t take me long, either, to sense a certain impatience about him – something I likened to crabbiness and he equated to edginess - the difference between the two, as he put it, being an “anxiousness to make things happen.”

On this day, the priority of our collaboration (understanding, respect and cooperation) was to create a column that would serve as a soundboard for Lama Jinpa’s psychotherapy practice Middle Way Health, his Buddhist meditations and ruminations, his Middle Way workshops, our book projects and the miscellaneous happenings currently encircling us (for instance, the Dalai Lama’s visit to Sacramento in 2010). And somewhere in there as well, we decided - perhaps too subtle to detect - would be a sprinkling of my thoughts and perspectives on the experiences.

But where to begin the introductions, I wondered? How to begin updating our readers on the happenings of the collaboration between myself and LJ?! I suppose one simply begins by recognizing a pivotal moment in time… It all started a few years ago when I was writing my very first article for Midtown Monthly. I chose a complementary health clinic Downtown and Lama Jinpa was one of the only practitioners there to return my call. Never mind the fact that the article went to print with the words ‘complementary’ and ‘complimentary’ sloppily interchanged throughout, Lama la saw something of substance in it. And when the time came for him to begin writing his first book a couple of years later, he called upon me… and so began the beginning of a very fruitful working relationship. Since then, we’ve partnered on the creation of a newsletter and a series of workshops, and have collaborated on a plethora of projects, including both a fiction and nonfiction book.

Often, community (cooperation, collaboration, kindness) begins when the simplest of equations – like two people – have a multiplying effect that produces benevolent thought and action. Meaning, we work together because we have similar visions for the good of our own lives and the betterment of the greater good. Yet it’s all cyclical, it’s all connected… so the consequences of and reactions to our actions always somehow come back to us.

Lama Jinpa teaches me how to make sense of, make peace with, design and harmonize my own life. I in turn reiterate and write about this knowledge so that together we can share it creatively within our communities. It’s a balancing act that helps us reach our potential as individuals, hopefully do the world some good and fuel our own fires so we keep heading in a healthy direction.

Being open and honest with ourselves and each other, being lighthearted but focused, being complete by being balanced… Life doesn’t have to be as hard as we often make it. We don’t have to choose to live by extremes. There’s a much easier, kinder, gentler way… and it resides within the vast, magical and practical space between the extremes ~ The Middle Way.